Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Ami on August 13, 2007, 09:05:50 AM ---Dear Bones,
It is sweet how you answer everyone's posts.
The potato salad and being late with the "phony excuse" is MY MOTHER -- all the way. My M was not violent,but she did those types of things all the time.
She was meeting someone at the subway station to go to Boston to hear a lecture. My mother did not show up until much later. The person went to the lecture alone. Then ,my mother showed up much later . My mother thought the person was a jerk for getting upset. My mother did not know why the person "over reacted". She did not know why the person didn't like her.Her explanation was that the person was just a "jerk".
If it was not so sad, it would be really,really funny.
It is sweet that you want to help the mother. the mother sounds very decent. Love Ami
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Ami!
Mom is a decent person in spite of being in the late stages of Alzheimer's. I can't help but wonder what "friend" does to her own mother whenever I'm not around to say: "Hey! Now wait a minute!"
Bones
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on August 13, 2007, 10:34:07 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on August 13, 2007, 08:52:58 AM ---Thanks, Hope!
Ironically, she puts on the pseudo-stupid routine whenever anyone corrects her.
Bones
--- End quote ---
Dear Bones,
You're welcome!
Reading your last posts and thinking back to your previous mentions of this friend, I can really sense her anger toward...no, hatred of... her family.
Her plea to add celery to the heirloom potato salad sounds like a childish attempt to rewrite history... and very sad.
I feel so sorry for her and for her mother.
I wanted to say also, that I don't believe boundary invasions are always NPD behaviour, by any means... and that blank look of your friend sounds to me like an act of splitting - dissociating - which I've think implies something else going on with her... within her.
When I was a little girl, my matron aunt was always wanting to fix this or that on me, to tend to me, as I realize now, as she felt herself to have been neglected... and she could be very pushy and invasive. I think she identified so closely with me at that point, that she really thought we were the one in the same. Maybe that's what's happened on occasion with you and your friend... like at your graduation... she couldn't stand to see herself doing the things you were doing and was desperate to correct them/ you.
Anyhow, aunt lived with her mother, my grandma, all of her life, acting out her numerous resentments in a very passive-aggressive manner and consistently denying accountability, all the while defying her mother (and anyone close to her) in the most ridiculous ways. Grandma disliked clutter, so aunt would heap it in every corner of the common space they shared, especially catalogs, all around their little kitchen nook table, while she had a huge bedroom (my grandma's was a closet, in comparison) with a huge desk and floor space in which she could have kept these piles. But no - they had to be prominently displayed for the purpose of aggravating her mother. That's just one example of a kazillion.
She was always late, too. Always. And so very childish... would set her eyeglasses down in the middle of a stairway or give a young child in the family some treasured possession with which to play. All of this begged someone to say, "uhh... that's not wise", so that she could replay her "you can't make me grow up" routine. Toward the end of my grandma's life, aunt chose to get some vengeance by uncovering grandma's weaknesses in a very deliberate manner, speaking with relish of grandma's incontinence and other daily issues of a woman in her 90's.
It was really pitiful to see... and your friend reminds me of her.
Dunno whether that helps any, but just thought I'd share it :)
With love,
Hope
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hope!
This "friend" also complains often about her supervisor...referring to her as "The Nazi"...because the supervisor holds her accountable for her actions on the job. I thought it was highly ironic when she started complaining about how her supervisor was telling her to take a class in Time Management, given that she often ignores deadlines and schedules to do what she wants, which negatively impacts others. I also notice that she tends to attach "strings" to gifts. She gave me an item to store a jigsaw puzzle on and told me it was a gift. Then, she attempted to take it back for a refund because "after all, she had paid for it". I informed her that a gift is a gift...PERIOD! She backed off. She also demanded that I "let her finish my puzzle" FOR me...to which I said "NO! I will work on my own jigsaw puzzle at my own pace, NOT hers, in my own home!" She again attempted to "remind" me that SHE had paid for it! She again got reminded of her statement to me that it is a GIFT. It's hard to know what to make of this.
Bones
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 13, 2007, 02:46:47 PM ---Hi Bones,
This sounds almost like a neurological deficit of some sort, or a little PTSD-ish (you mentioned it happens when people are yelling at her). I wonder if it could be:
--- Quote ---Mother told her "NO", the recipe doesn't need those other ingredients....leave it. A minute or two later, "friend" asks her mother if she wants celery. Mother, again, told her "NO, the recipe does not need it." This was repeated over and over again for about 30-45 minutes until Mom started yelling "NO means NO!" And yet, "friend" kept repeating the same question acting pseudo-stupid. Finally I chimed in with "What part of the word "NO" do you NOT understand?!?!? Mom has said 'NO, she does NOT need celery! Please STOP!!" "Friend" gave us both the blank stare and the glazed eyes.
--- End quote ---
I have a close friend w/PTSD who often does a blank uncomprehending stare. Sometimes she appears unintelligent although I know she is not. She tells me that she has to work hard to process verbal information. When she's tired, she can barely speak coherently.
Hops
--- End quote ---
This "friend" did admit that when she gets wound up and excited about something, she doesn't listen very well. At the same time, I feel that should not give her permission to invade and violate my physical space.
Bones
Certain Hope:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on August 13, 2007, 03:53:41 PM ---
Thanks, Hope!
This "friend" also complains often about her supervisor...referring to her as "The Nazi"...because the supervisor holds her accountable for her actions on the job. I thought it was highly ironic when she started complaining about how her supervisor was telling her to take a class in Time Management, given that she often ignores deadlines and schedules to do what she wants, which negatively impacts others. I also notice that she tends to attach "strings" to gifts. She gave me an item to store a jigsaw puzzle on and told me it was a gift. Then, she attempted to take it back for a refund because "after all, she had paid for it". I informed her that a gift is a gift...PERIOD! She backed off. She also demanded that I "let her finish my puzzle" FOR me...to which I said "NO! I will work on my own jigsaw puzzle at my own pace, NOT hers, in my own home!" She again attempted to "remind" me that SHE had paid for it! She again got reminded of her statement to me that it is a GIFT. It's hard to know what to make of this.
Bones
--- End quote ---
She sure sounds like a unique individual, Bones :? I don't know what to make of it, either.
Was she wanting to take the puzzle board back for a refund because she knew that you hadn't yet finished the puzzle?
That's so odd... like she was trying to hold you to time constraints on that when she doesn't honor genuine deadlines herself.
My aunt could never get along with anyone at work and she never cared about how her tomfoolery impacted others, either.
Maybe this is some strange combination of complexes that's not yet been given an acronym :shock:
Then again, I get that blank look, too... if someone yells (which thankfully doesn't happen in real life anymore).
Love,
Hope
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on August 13, 2007, 04:56:21 PM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on August 13, 2007, 03:53:41 PM ---
Thanks, Hope!
This "friend" also complains often about her supervisor...referring to her as "The Nazi"...because the supervisor holds her accountable for her actions on the job. I thought it was highly ironic when she started complaining about how her supervisor was telling her to take a class in Time Management, given that she often ignores deadlines and schedules to do what she wants, which negatively impacts others. I also notice that she tends to attach "strings" to gifts. She gave me an item to store a jigsaw puzzle on and told me it was a gift. Then, she attempted to take it back for a refund because "after all, she had paid for it". I informed her that a gift is a gift...PERIOD! She backed off. She also demanded that I "let her finish my puzzle" FOR me...to which I said "NO! I will work on my own jigsaw puzzle at my own pace, NOT hers, in my own home!" She again attempted to "remind" me that SHE had paid for it! She again got reminded of her statement to me that it is a GIFT. It's hard to know what to make of this.
Bones
--- End quote ---
She sure sounds like a unique individual, Bones :? I don't know what to make of it, either.
Was she wanting to take the puzzle board back for a refund because she knew that you hadn't yet finished the puzzle?
That's so odd... like she was trying to hold you to time constraints on that when she doesn't honor genuine deadlines herself.
My aunt could never get along with anyone at work and she never cared about how her tomfoolery impacted others, either.
Maybe this is some strange combination of complexes that's not yet been given an acronym :shock:
Then again, I get that blank look, too... if someone yells (which thankfully doesn't happen in real life anymore).
Love,
Hope
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Hope!
I'm glad I'm not alone in this! It's just frustrating, though!
Bones
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