Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?
Ami:
I don't think that the N's can "help" their core dysfunction. They can help individual behaviors,like screaming at a particular person.
However,with my M, I see that her "core" is infected, as a computer would be with a virus. She is trying to be loving to me ,now, as best as she can, but all the while, she is wielding the knife in me, to prove that SHE is good and *I* am lesser -----over and over---bleh.
So, her core problem i.e. that she has little self, cannot be changed by me. She cannot give me a healthy love,which nourishes me. She can give me poisoned water and she does. I aways drank it b/c I wanted water so badly.
My Aunt's children can never know the pain of wanting a "wire monkey" to nurture you. They lived a totally different life.
Now, I have to untangle the ball of yarn which is her and me and her and me--all mixed up----bleh. Ami
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on February 22, 2008, 08:32:02 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on February 22, 2008, 07:59:34 AM ---
Thanks, Carolyn.
I recently got ANOTHER e-mail from NDoofus and I have not responded to her. She has previously complained that her brother-in-law doesn't speak to her and her sister does not talk to her as much. She has not yet asked why I have not responded. When she has been confronted by her other relatives, she continues to act completely oblivious to WHY everyone is angry at her.
Bones
--- End quote ---
Dear Bones,
I don't think she's acting... she seems to be genuinely oblivious. That doesn't mean she should receive pity or enabling as a response... only that maybe the anger at her can get chucked out the door and a new reason for not responding to her could take its place... ?
Just a thought. This is the way I'm trying to view my parents mail-contacts to me... so that they'll no longer arouse madness OR pity, but a detached understanding that this is simply the way they are.
Reason being, somewhere deep inside, I think it's possible for us to convince ourselves that we really are angry at "them"... long past the point where the anger shoulda been replaced by acceptance - not of their bad behaviour, but of our own inability to change them.
Love to you,
Carolyn
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Carolyn.
I get angry when she creates situations that are damaging to everyone around her.
Bones
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Ami on February 22, 2008, 10:40:02 AM ---I don't think that the N's can "help" their core dysfunction. They can help individual behaviors,like screaming at a particular person.
However,with my M, I see that her "core" is infected, as a computer would be with a virus. She is trying to be loving to me ,now, as best as she can, but all the while, she is wielding the knife in me, to prove that SHE is good and *I* am lesser -----over and over---bleh.
So, her core problem i.e. that she has little self, cannot be changed by me. She cannot give me a healthy love,which nourishes me. She can give me poisoned water and she does. I aways drank it b/c I wanted water so badly.
My Aunt's children can never know the pain of wanting a "wire monkey" to nurture you. They lived a totally different life.
Now, I have to untangle the ball of yarn which is her and me and her and me--all mixed up----bleh. Ami
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Ami.
Interestingly, as I was watching Judge Judy on Friday, February 22nd, there was a case where the defendant was CLEARLY an N! She was stating that her daughter-in-law "stole her son from her and SHE wants her son back"! She took money from her son and daughter-in-law and exhibited this attitude of ENTITLEMENT at Judge Judy! (Wrong move!) Judge Judy explained to the plaintiffs that the defendant clearly has a personality disorder while awarding money to the plaintiffs. The son tried to bridge the gap between himself and his mother only to have the Nmother demand ALL OR NOTHING! The only thing I could do was shake my head.
Bones
Certain Hope:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on February 23, 2008, 11:01:27 AM ---
Thanks, Carolyn.
I get angry when she creates situations that are damaging to everyone around her.
Bones
--- End quote ---
Yeah, I hear you, Bones... me, too, at times... and I know there is a version of anger which is righteous.
Where that righteous anger crosses the line in me, is when I get to feeling:
a) Self-righteous about it (like I'm better than the annoying one)
or
b) Controlling (like it's my job to work out other peoples' issues with the annoying one).
Gets me dizzy at times, but detachment helps to step back from both of the above and just work out my own issues.
Hope you have a good weekend after work!
Love,
Carolyn
Ami:
Dear Carolyn and Bones,
SinceI lost Scott ,I have gotten more of an empathy for people's issues. I tried so hard to be a good mother and to provide a "good "
life for my kids.Scott did the worst thing a kid could ever do. So, where did my 'smarts" get me?
I see my H with the same non=judging eyes(mostly). He tried to do what he was programmed to do and he "lost"--big time.
My M was (and is) underwater.
I am almost to the top---almost--not quite.
The Bible says the sins of the fathers are visited on the sons down to the third generation(paraphrase).
We, all ,get caught in the FOO web and things get beyond our control and start spinning in ways we would never imagine(IME)
Love Ami
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