Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

Oh my gosh Bones,

Your conversation sounded just like my older Narcissistic sister was on the phone. But she would TRY and usually win when speaking for her adult son. Grrrrrrrr

God for you!!! and good for her daughter, giving her a voice.

Job well done. ((seasons))

Thanks, Seasons.

At times, I do get N's on the phone who try to curse at me demanding that they are ENTITLED to what they want!  One started screaming F-bombs because there were no openings available yet and I simply hung up on her.  No one should tolerate that kind of abuse.

Bones

[Hopalong]

Ditto what Seasons said.
Good lesson for the daughter, to hear someone authoritatively tell her Nmother...NO!

Bravo, Bones.

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Bones,

I really enjoyed reading about that phone interaction. Wow - - you held fast!!  Not so very long ago at all, I would not have even recognized the major boundary intrusions going on in that incident. Thank God for growing up! Sure wish everybody'd try it   

Thanks for sharing here!

Love,
Carolyn

[BonesMS]

Ditto what Seasons said.
Good lesson for the daughter, to hear someone authoritatively tell her Nmother...NO!

Bravo, Bones.

Hops

Thanks, Hops!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Bones,

I really enjoyed reading about that phone interaction. Wow - - you held fast!!  Not so very long ago at all, I would not have even recognized the major boundary intrusions going on in that incident. Thank God for growing up! Sure wish everybody'd try it   

Thanks for sharing here!

Love,
Carolyn

You're welcome, Carolyn, and thanks!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Just need to rant today.

After bf was blabbering all week about taking me out on a date on Sunday to a restaurant, he changed the plans at the last minute because HE had more important things to do for himself and couldn't understand why I was so upset.  I told him, point blank, that if he wanted to act like a roommate, then that is ALL he's going to get from me!

Bones

[Ami]

Sorry, Bones. I can tell you felt dissapointed and perhaps, unloved or uncared for. I hope your b/f can understand your feelings and give you a little TLC, anyway.
 Maybe, he can give you a raincheck. I hope so.   Love    Ami

[Certain Hope]

Oh, Bones... I remember dear Mr. Blueberry. Sounds like he needs a crash course in Remedial Romance 101!

Good for you, for telling him straight up what the problem is.

You know him best, but if he's just an ordinary guy... I'd say the fact that he's clueless   pretty much comes with the territory   and he's not unique in that. Takes alot of instruction to housebreak ermm... I mean, train... a male  
  and I'm only partly kiddin!

((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))   here's one possibility:

sometimes, I've found, when they make an announcement/hoopla like Mr. B did about this dinner date, they're testing the waters and feeling out your reaction.
If you keep it low-key and don't gush all over the place about their ideas, they may decide that it's not really a big deal to you after all, so no harm done if they renig. I know, I know... it's frustrating, but from my experience, he'll always take the path of least resistance... so if I don't show enough excitement about a proposal, that may be the last time I hear a word about it.
Unless, maybe, he was about to pop the question on that date and then chickened out.    Oh, how my mind doth wander!
Well, either way, he needs that crash course, for sure!

If you've the patience, he may be educable!

Love,
Carolyn

[BonesMS]

Sorry, Bones. I can tell you felt dissapointed and perhaps, unloved or uncared for. I hope your b/f can understand your feelings and give you a little TLC, anyway.
 Maybe, he can give you a raincheck. I hope so.   Love    Ami

He's too clueless to be bothered to do that.  This is someone who chose work over attending my graduation after he was given FOUR YEARS NOTICE!  He tells me NOTHING about ANYTHING, his family, his graduation, NOTHING and I'm TIRED OF TALKING TO A BLANK WALL!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Oh, Bones... I remember dear Mr. Blueberry. Sounds like he needs a crash course in Remedial Romance 101!

Good for you, for telling him straight up what the problem is.

You know him best, but if he's just an ordinary guy... I'd say the fact that he's clueless   pretty much comes with the territory   and he's not unique in that. Takes alot of instruction to housebreak ermm... I mean, train... a male  
  and I'm only partly kiddin!

((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))   here's one possibility:

sometimes, I've found, when they make an announcement/hoopla like Mr. B did about this dinner date, they're testing the waters and feeling out your reaction.
If you keep it low-key and don't gush all over the place about their ideas, they may decide that it's not really a big deal to you after all, so no harm done if they renig. I know, I know... it's frustrating, but from my experience, he'll always take the path of least resistance... so if I don't show enough excitement about a proposal, that may be the last time I hear a word about it.
Unless, maybe, he was about to pop the question on that date and then chickened out.    Oh, how my mind doth wander!
Well, either way, he needs that crash course, for sure!

If you've the patience, he may be educable!

Love,
Carolyn

After over SEVEN YEARS of TRYING, my patience is GONE!

Bones

[Certain Hope]

I hear you, Bones. It's perfectly understandable that you'd be tired of waiting for some reciprocity.

 I'm wondering... do you think that you've changed alot over the course of those seven years?

I mean, have your views/feelings about yourself, your needs and desires and expectations... have these taken new directions, with more fullness and depth?

That's how it's been for me and that's definitely disorienting at times... especially within the context of older relationships (from when I was the old me  )
Helps to take a fresh inventory, I think.

Also wondering... have you ever asked Blueberry Dude what is his goal in your relationship? If you want to share... and I'd sure understand if you don't... what was his response when you told him the facts of life in this last confrontation?

Love,
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

((((((((((Bones))))))))))

Sounds like that really hurt.
Is it hurt beneath the anger?

I am dittoing all Carolyn's wonderful questions,
so just a hug for the hurt in the meantime...

love,
Hops

[BonesMS]

I hear you, Bones. It's perfectly understandable that you'd be tired of waiting for some reciprocity.

 I'm wondering... do you think that you've changed alot over the course of those seven years?

I mean, have your views/feelings about yourself, your needs and desires and expectations... have these taken new directions, with more fullness and depth?

That's how it's been for me and that's definitely disorienting at times... especially within the context of older relationships (from when I was the old me  )
Helps to take a fresh inventory, I think.

Also wondering... have you ever asked Blueberry Dude what is his goal in your relationship? If you want to share... and I'd sure understand if you don't... what was his response when you told him the facts of life in this last confrontation?

Love,
Carolyn

Thanks, Carolyn!

I'm hoping that I've grown some.  As for Blueberry Dude, I've asked him point-blank and I either get a blank stare or he'll respond with:  "I dunno".

Bones

[BonesMS]

((((((((((Bones))))))))))

Sounds like that really hurt.
Is it hurt beneath the anger?

I am dittoing all Carolyn's wonderful questions,
so just a hug for the hurt in the meantime...

love,
Hops

Thanks, Hops!

I don't know what he wants from me and I'm tired of trying to figure it out.

Bones

[Overcomer]

Bones:  I am with you!!  Seven years with a serial bitcher who I cannot please, who I walk on eggshells around, who is defensive and stupid.  I am on my way (mentally) out the door............