Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[Certain Hope]

Oh, Bones... I'm sorry. He probably really doesn't know what it is he wants... other than to just blithely float through life in a noncommittal sorta way. That's my own spin on it, sure, but does seem to be a common theme.

And I do believe that you've grown alot. Just wondered whether you saw it in yourself... and if that new growth has brought about maybe some new dreams (or revitalization of some old ones).
You've always seemed so interested in learning new things/skills...
maybe some of that can be transferred over into the area of your personal life, as well?
It's never too late to develop new.. ermm... interests, you know.
Just kinda thinking aloud here, of course.
I've made the error (several times) of thinking that I needed to be in a relationship in order to be complete, so... that clearly can lead to some serious troubles.
Are you thinking that you might be ready to just fly solo?
Seems like you're feeling as though you pretty much already are alone!
((((((Bones)))))))  I know that feeling, too.

Maybe the moral of the story is... it's not about what he wants, but rather about what you want?

Love,
Carolyn

[BonesMS]

Bones:  I am with you!!  Seven years with a serial bitcher who I cannot please, who I walk on eggshells around, who is defensive and stupid.  I am on my way (mentally) out the door............

Or someone who is passive-aggressive....making promises that he conveniently forgets and/or never follows through with.

Bones

[BonesMS]

Oh, Bones... I'm sorry. He probably really doesn't know what it is he wants... other than to just blithely float through life in a noncommittal sorta way. That's my own spin on it, sure, but does seem to be a common theme.

And I do believe that you've grown alot. Just wondered whether you saw it in yourself... and if that new growth has brought about maybe some new dreams (or revitalization of some old ones).
You've always seemed so interested in learning new things/skills...
maybe some of that can be transferred over into the area of your personal life, as well?
It's never too late to develop new.. ermm... interests, you know.
Just kinda thinking aloud here, of course.
I've made the error (several times) of thinking that I needed to be in a relationship in order to be complete, so... that clearly can lead to some serious troubles.
Are you thinking that you might be ready to just fly solo?
Seems like you're feeling as though you pretty much already are alone!
((((((Bones)))))))  I know that feeling, too.

Maybe the moral of the story is... it's not about what he wants, but rather about what you want?

Love,
Carolyn

True, that.  Having been alone most of my life, it shouldn't feel new flying solo.

Bones

[Certain Hope]

Bones, are you thinking of setting some ultimatums?

It's difficult stuff...
if you want to talk about it, ever, I'll listen.

Love,
Carolyn

[BonesMS]

Bones, are you thinking of setting some ultimatums?

It's difficult stuff...
if you want to talk about it, ever, I'll listen.

Love,
Carolyn

I'm trying to figure out how to word the ultimatums so they don't come off sounding hysterical or so angry that they are ineffective.

Bones

[Certain Hope]

Bones, do you love Mr. B?

[BonesMS]

Bones, do you love Mr. B?

I'm beginning to question that as well.

Bones

[Certain Hope]

((((((Bones))))))  I question that too, at times. Not often, but there are moments... usually when I'm feeling taken for granted.

Maybe the main thing he should know now is that you need to know what are his expectations/goals for your relationship?

Just that... and then give him a deadline if you want to?  Oh, and tell him that a blank stare is not a response! Maybe he'll have to get some help/counseling in order to learn how to sort through the cobwebs and come to a resolution?

I'm guessing aloud here, what do you think?

Love,
Carolyn

[BonesMS]

((((((Bones))))))  I question that too, at times. Not often, but there are moments... usually when I'm feeling taken for granted.

Maybe the main thing he should know now is that you need to know what are his expectations/goals for your relationship?

Just that... and then give him a deadline if you want to?  Oh, and tell him that a blank stare is not a response! Maybe he'll have to get some help/counseling in order to learn how to sort through the cobwebs and come to a resolution?

I'm guessing aloud here, what do you think?

Love,
Carolyn

I've even suggested couples counseling......he refused.  He believes he can solve problems without it.

Bones

[Certain Hope]

Dear Bones,

Sounds like it's time to do more than suggest.

Counseling may be the best immediate investment that he could make into your future as a couple...
whether he goes alone or you two go together.

It's okay for you to not know how to approach him... or to address your issues with the relationship you two have, you know?
This is tricky stuff.
And it's okay for him to not know how to respond.
But it's a stalemate for now... unless one of you chooses to take a stand, isn't it?
This is just me, but I do think I'd take a stand for counseling. To my mind, that's the least someone can do in order to show a sincere interest in growing the relationship.

Love,
Carolyn

P.S.  I read your latest installment on your story thread and I'm so sorry that woman managed to taint your present-day experience that way.
Just wishing you would go out and buy a brand new, spiffy bathing suit... in honor of yourself, today!
Shopping is not my thing, but if I were there, I'd go with you!
And I can imagine the frustration that's been attached to your handicrafting. When you've never been allowed to have anything for yourself, simply because it's special to you and uniquely yours, it's very demoralizing to have someone constantly saying, "Gimme!" and refusing to acknowledge the value of the gift you have to offer... at your own discretion!

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones,

Sounds like it's time to do more than suggest.

Counseling may be the best immediate investment that he could make into your future as a couple...
whether he goes alone or you two go together.

It's okay for you to not know how to approach him... or to address your issues with the relationship you two have, you know?
This is tricky stuff.
And it's okay for him to not know how to respond.
But it's a stalemate for now... unless one of you chooses to take a stand, isn't it?
This is just me, but I do think I'd take a stand for counseling. To my mind, that's the least someone can do in order to show a sincere interest in growing the relationship.

Love,
Carolyn

P.S.  I read your latest installment on your story thread and I'm so sorry that woman managed to taint your present-day experience that way.
Just wishing you would go out and buy a brand new, spiffy bathing suit... in honor of yourself, today!
Shopping is not my thing, but if I were there, I'd go with you!
And I can imagine the frustration that's been attached to your handicrafting. When you've never been allowed to have anything for yourself, simply because it's special to you and uniquely yours, it's very demoralizing to have someone constantly saying, "Gimme!" and refusing to acknowledge the value of the gift you have to offer... at your own discretion!

Thanks, Carolyn!

I'm still trying to process a lot of things.  There's so much going through my mind and emotions that it feels like it's all a jumble.

Bones

[Ami]

Dear Bones,
 This is going to sound elementary cuz it is(lol), but I got some e books on how to communicate  with men and they really, really helped. There are some things that men and women see totally differently.Understanding that helps to mend fences and build bridges in an easy way.
 Sending greetings to you, Bones.   Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

Thanks, Carolyn!

I'm still trying to process a lot of things.  There's so much going through my mind and emotions that it feels like it's all a jumble.
ny
Bones

I understand, Bones. My suggesting a buncha stuff may only create more jumbling. Just give a holler anytime, okay? I'm pleased to listen and even spout off, as requested  

Would it help you to make a list of pros and cons?  
I know, kinda lame, but that's always helped me to sort.

Love,
Carolyn

[BonesMS]

Thanks, Carolyn!

I'm still trying to process a lot of things.  There's so much going through my mind and emotions that it feels like it's all a jumble.
ny
Bones

I understand, Bones. My suggesting a buncha stuff may only create more jumbling. Just give a holler anytime, okay? I'm pleased to listen and even spout off, as requested  

Would it help you to make a list of pros and cons?  
I know, kinda lame, but that's always helped me to sort.

Love,
Carolyn

I usually make such a list.  Right now, I'm trying to work through the jumble of emotions before I can think.

Bones

[Certain Hope]

Bones, when I get that way, it's usually time to let go and have a good cry.

Love,
Carolyn