Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

Hey Bones,

ya know, sometimes I think it's easier to think that there aren't any "rules" - there's just people and the present moment. Some people I like - but not always, all the time. Some people are funny... sometimes. Some people are kind - and can be jerks, sometimes too. (me too) Why? Who knows!! Does it matter why? Maybe some times, but not always.

"Rules" are meant to be questioned - reviewed for relevancy - every so often. Like wearing white pants or shoes after Labor Day. Relationship rules, too. Of course, that conflicts with some built-in inner need us humans have for "certainty" - a "this is the way it's supposed to be". I run into this a lot with hubby. Just because I got mad at him once, when I was trying to read the paper - and the TV was on - and he wanted to talk to me all at the same time... he thinks it's a "rule" that he has to leave me alone while I'm reading the paper!! He can't tell when I just need to read as "downtime"... or when I can switch "channels" back & forth with my attention and talk to him, too. He wants me to wear a sign, you know? "Do not disturb".

For him, that one time is a "rule" about how he interacts with me. He doesn't get that it was just that once - or that it's not always a Greta Garbo moment: "I vant to be alone" ! It's getting better tho, now that we're almost always together these days. Don't know if I'm getting better at signalling him, or if he's getting better at reading me... doesn't matter which, really. Maybe I just need less withdrawal, turtle-ish, downtime.

At least for me, the idea that there are "rules" about "how to be | act | interact" with people - whether in social situations or one on one - comes from the "training" I got for how to exist in my FOO. Chances are, the things I find disgusting, too personal, or rude are things I'm not going to do/be... and most other people will think/act the same way. (sometimes!)

Is that more - or less - confusing?

Well, things are always confusing for me...especially when I accidentally do something, without meaning to, and the other person gets pissed off at me.  Then I try to figure out what I said or did that pissed them off.  At times, I can be "face-blind" when I encounter someone, who knows me, outside of the usual venues where I normally would see them...or if they change their hairstyle or facial hair, (i.e. shaving off a beard they've had for YEARS).  If I don't recognize them immediately, then they get REALLY pissed off!  Then there are times when I accidentally encounter sensory overload and I'm forced to leave the area in a hurry!  They get pissed off again because I left without saying anything and they perceive that as rude.  Does any of that make sense?   

Bones

[BonesMS]

 

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, Bones... that makes absolute sense to me! I don't *think* I'm an aspie, but I've experienced all of those things you described. I have a terrible time recognizing people outside of where we normally interact - say, work colleagues in Walmart. It's a kind of cognitive dissonance for me. But it's usually that I can't remember their name; face looks familiar.... it's uh.... uh....

and while it doesn't happen as much anymore, if I'm in a large group of people or somewhere really noisy and busy - I too have to escape for a "breath of fresh air" and re-ground myself.

If other people get pissed - that's their problem. I'm just takin' care of myself and it's nothing personal if I forget someone's name - I've been known to call current hubby by ex#1 or #2's name... anyone who questions the confused look in my eye's as I'm searching for the name, gets the "senior moment" excuse! 

[BonesMS]

Yes, Bones... that makes absolute sense to me! I don't *think* I'm an aspie, but I've experienced all of those things you described. I have a terrible time recognizing people outside of where we normally interact - say, work colleagues in Walmart. It's a kind of cognitive dissonance for me. But it's usually that I can't remember their name; face looks familiar.... it's uh.... uh....

and while it doesn't happen as much anymore, if I'm in a large group of people or somewhere really noisy and busy - I too have to escape for a "breath of fresh air" and re-ground myself.

If other people get pissed - that's their problem. I'm just takin' care of myself and it's nothing personal if I forget someone's name - I've been known to call current hubby by ex#1 or #2's name... anyone who questions the confused look in my eye's as I'm searching for the name, gets the "senior moment" excuse! 

Thanks, P.R.

I've had other clues which points to being an Aspie that goes way back to childhood/babyhood.  One thing that I learned the hard way,  it is extremely difficult being an Aspie growing up with an NWomb-Donor who took EVERYTHING as a personal deliberate insult to her royal self!   

Bones

[Hopalong]

No kiddin'.
Face blindness plus a tendency for senory overload because of the unique way you process things...

and then a NOT sensitive (understatement) parent...

What is good is that YOU know.

You have a real understanding of yourself and how your mind works.

Never mind about people too impatient to cut someone a break.

You don't even have to be mad back.

This is radical, but have you ever thought of just telling people now and then:
My Asperger's means I may have missed that, would you explain ____?

I would be totally receptive to that in anyone. I'd really appreciate someone clueing me in to what they need.

But with mean people, it wouldn't be worth it.

hugs
Hops

[BonesMS]

No kiddin'.
Face blindness plus a tendency for senory overload because of the unique way you process things...

and then a NOT sensitive (understatement) parent...

What is good is that YOU know.

You have a real understanding of yourself and how your mind works.

Never mind about people too impatient to cut someone a break.

You don't even have to be mad back.

This is radical, but have you ever thought of just telling people now and then:
My Asperger's means I may have missed that, would you explain ____?

I would be totally receptive to that in anyone. I'd really appreciate someone clueing me in to what they need.

But with mean people, it wouldn't be worth it.

hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops!  I'm trying to do that now that I've been able to put the "pieces" together about why I'm so socially awkward.  Unfortunately, not everyone "gets it".

Bones

[BonesMS]

I had a very profound dream last night that spoke VOLUMES!!!!!  Having a background in psychology helped me to recognize the symbolism within the dream!   

I dreamt that I encountered NDoofus and her family, including the sister that had recently died some months back.  NDoofus resembled Doctor Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show!!!!!  (THAT alone nearly had me laughing out loud!)  She was ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS with me and SCREAMED:  "HOW D-A-R-E YOU SAY N-O TO WHAT I WANT!!!!"  I just quietly and firmly repeated: "I don't need your brand of SH*T in my life!", handed her a huge package of toilet paper, and walked to my car!  As I was driving away, she's SCREAMING after my car:  "WHAT DO I DO WITH TOILET PAPER?!?!?!?  I DON'T LIKE THIS BRAND!"

This dream was telling me so much on so MANY levels!!!!!   

Bones 

[BonesMS]

Not sure what I'm feeling today.

[BonesMS]

I'm feeling VERY UPSET towards Amazon.com today!!!!  I saw a news report on television that Amazon is now selling a handbook for pedophiles!!!  WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!?!?!?!?   

Bones

[BonesMS]

Not feeling too wonderful today.  I'm seeing reminders of Thanksgiving and Christmas everywhere with the attached messages of families getting together and having a WONDERFUL time!   

[Hopalong]

I am not biting this year Bones. I am just fed up with the annual sadness.

Found a single friend who's likewise not enjoying the mad "family-joy" pressure
and we've pledged to get together Tgiving Day and watch DVDs and
eat tofu neither of us cooks.

Sounds like bliss to me.

xo
Hops

[BonesMS]

I am not biting this year Bones. I am just fed up with the annual sadness.

Found a single friend who's likewise not enjoying the mad "family-joy" pressure
and we've pledged to get together Tgiving Day and watch DVDs and
eat tofu neither of us cooks.

Sounds like bliss to me.

xo
Hops

I hear ya, Hops!

I'm thinking that if worse comes to worse, I'll go eat at a local restaurant.

Bones

[BonesMS]

Struggling with flashbacks as I'm seeing ALOT of triggers lately!

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry they flash back...
but they can't flash forward.

Forward belongs only to you, Bones.

love,
Hops

[BonesMS]

I'm sorry they flash back...
but they can't flash forward.

Forward belongs only to you, Bones.

love,
Hops

Thanks, Hops!

This time of year is always bad.  Whenever I turn on the TV, radio, pick up the paper, walk around anywhere, there are always reminders of Thanksgiving and Christmas and all the other stuff it entails, which triggers all the memories of abuse that is connected with it all.

Bones