Last night was National Night Out and I found myself in an uncomfortable situation. Normally, I would be part of a group of people setting up and maybe, MAYBE saying a word here or there. (I'm not comfortable with public speaking without some sort of script. Stage acting I can do, talking extemporaneously in front of a group of people is W-A-A-A-Y outside of my comfort zone and I often find myself, literally, chewing on my fingers in front of people to calm myself down. Part of being an Aspie, I guess.)
This year, of the four of us that were originally planning to lead last night, two had deaths in the family and were unavailable. I was the only one physically able to carry the refreshments over and start setting up as the only other remaining person is partially paralyzed and is unable to lift anything nor walk very far. Every time I opened my mouth, I kept wondering to myself if I was really saying the right things or just looking stupid. (All the old tapes were blaring LOUDLY and are hard to ignore.)
Even though things seem to have gone OK, I keep blaming myself that it wasn't any better than it was and that it's my fault.
Bones
