Comments please on what this 3,500 word email from my NSister does to you...

[JanetLG]

Iphi,

Yes, thanks for that insight - I'd overlooked the 'chocolates-and-flowers' bit, meaning 'people-love-me-more-than-they-do-yooo-hoo' !

My husband has mentioned that they're effed up.

Often.

And I agree with him.

What bothers me, though, is that so many times I have explained all this to people that I know well, and they have responded with 'yes, but, anyway...I'd never cut off MY family!' - as if they haven't listened to a word I've said. Talk about in denial. This forum is the first place I've ever really been heard, apart from when talking with my husband.

I LOVE the idea that my sister is a sludge monster. And you haven't ever SEEN her, either! (By the way, to give you an idea - she's 42, dresses as if she's sixteen and looks like Kylie Minogue did in the eighties. Only worse.)

My NMum has fed my Nsister's envy of me for years. I think that's because my NMum was incredibly envious of HER younger sister, born when she was 8 (it was a total surprise to her to get a baby sister, and she was 'sent away' for two months while my Nan got over the birth. Bit of a shock, I suppose, to come back and find you're not the 'baby' of the family any more). I look like the younger sister of my NMum. My aunt was also more creative than my NMum, and had blonde hair (as I did). My NMum just transferred the envy, and fed it. She always sided with my Nsister. Two peas in a pod, they are.


Janet

[gratitude28]

Janet,
There is so much more I want to write to you - so much of this hit a personal note... but before I run I wanted to tell you that my mother found out I was bulimic when I was around 18. She looked at me like I was repulsive and said, "Well, are you still doing it." I told her, "No, but I wouldn't tell you if I was." End of conversation. My dad was there too. They didn't care enough to bother doing anything. And she liked me thinner, too. I was sick for years with it. That was part of why I brought up the "save me" thing - I wanted someone, just once, to care enough to help me with anything.
Love, Beth

[JanetLG]

Beth,

Thanks for telling me that. It must have been awful to have your mother find out you're bulimic and not give  a damn. I know what that's like. The way they turn it around and make you feel like you're doing it just to show them up in some way makes me want to scream.

It's such a dangerous illness to have, like anorexia, that the response we get is just bizarre. Suppose someone went to the doctor's and said 'I think I might be diabetic' and the doctor said 'you're only doing it to draw attention to yourself, and show me up'. That's what it's like, having an eating disorder, begging for help, and not getting it. You can die from these illnesses. I nearly did. My weight was 73 pounds steady, for nearly 12 years.

I've emailed the UK eating disorder website 'Beat' (are you in the UK?), about their narrow-minded approach to how eating disorders are treated, and didn't even get the courtesy of a reply. I had the cheek to suggest that the 'do-gooder' type eating disorder so-called 'support groups' are often run by the 'concerned' *mothers* of young women with eating disorders...thereby continuing the control of very ill people by women who often have a control problem (didn't mention N by name).

I think that the comment about liking me thinner was one of the very rae instances of my NMum actually letting her mask slip, and telling the truth.


Janet

[changing]

Janet-

When I talked about M and Old Alf, I was not overly concerned about your M and the way she conducts herself (although that is extremelyhurtful to a child, and she owes you a billion apologies) - I just wanted to point out to you that these "people" are trying to take your health and safety from you, in the name of propriety and what is "right", even though their hypocrisy is so blatant, it is almost darkly humorous.  They expect you to treat them like the pillars of the community that they are NOT, and to ignore the truth about yourself , your accomplishments, and your well -being (this is NOT how love and care operates). These are the kind of insect N folks who will gladly EAT THEIR YOUNG! Get out the bug spray Janet!!!

You have done something very difficult and courageous. I admire you and cannot bear to see you or your heroic efforts damaged . Please take care and be well and happy !!

Cheering foryou,

Changing
Changing

[JanetLG]

Changing,

Thanks for that - I see what you mean. They have such a strange sense of their own kind of 'morals'. I remember reading this somewhere as being an N trait, but it was explained as being one that mainly men do - the being sexually 'lax', to put it mildly, and then expecting everyone else to approve of them - even applaud them for it. I think both Alf and my NMum must get a kick out of 'catching ' someone when they're each in their seventies. What he sees in her, I just don't know.  Bit of a slapper, really. Oh, I see

There's no way I'm going to let my health suffer like that again.


Janet

[Iphi]

Heh thanks guys, I have too much practice reading the under-messages.  It's like a language all its own.

Janet you wrote:

My NMum has fed my Nsister's envy of me for years. I think that's because my NMum was incredibly envious of HER younger sister, born when she was 8 (it was a total surprise to her to get a baby sister, and she was 'sent away' for two months while my Nan got over the birth. Bit of a shock, I suppose, to come back and find you're not the 'baby' of the family any more). I look like the younger sister of my NMum. My aunt was also more creative than my NMum, and had blonde hair (as I did). My NMum just transferred the envy, and fed it. She always sided with my Nsister. Two peas in a pod, they are.

My mother, who is schizophrenic, did this also.  She was the younger sister and I don't know what her issues with her elder sister really were, but they were/are apparently bitter and long lasting.  It took me many years to understand why she persecuted me as a young child; I was the older sister.  I mean, it's still crazy, but it came from her own life in some fashion.  

Upon reflection this topic reminds me how horrible it is to be the GC.  It seems to me that your mother has always held out something to your sister - the promise of being the favorite and loved and thus safe because there is always the implicit threat that your mother retains the ability to treat her as she has treated you - to send her to hell as she has sent you.  But in order to be 'safe' from the vengeance of the N, the GC has to give up truth.  They have to sell their soul and continue to do so.  That sucks.  Your sister may well also envy you your freedom and ability to call your soul your own and may always be trying to reassure herself that her choices were worth it.

My sister and I are at two different points of the triangle too, though our situation is much less intense.  It's hard for me - I keep erasing my sentences in this post.  I know things about us that I've never written and are hard to say.  I feel I must keep reaching out to her even though it is like grasping a sharp knife.  I haven't given up yet and there are some redeeming things, perhaps.  But perhaps not.  We are big on the appearance of civility in out dysfunctional house.  

But in the final analysis it is all a set up to serve your mom's warped needs and in a way your S is a poor lost soul whose worse nature has been cultivated since birth.  It's pretty sickening.  But that doesn't mean it isn't down to her own responsibility what she says and does.  Block that sludge!

Oh, here is the source of my sludge monster thought: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedorah
   Now put a Kylie 80's side ponytail and fedora on that smog monster.

[Gaining Strength]

What bothers me, though, is that so many times I have explained all this to people that I know well, and they have responded with 'yes, but, anyway...I'd never cut off MY family!' - as if they haven't listened to a word I've said.

Janet - I learned some time ago to keep this stuff to myself for the very reason that everyone and I mean everyone minimized my experience or explained it away much to my detriment.  That made it very, very difficult for me to validate my own feelings and experiences and difficult for me to accept validation from a therapist or people like those here.

Glad you found validation here. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[JanetLG]

Iphi,

Yes!! That's her!! (How did they get a piccy of her to put on wiki, though??!

" Now put a Kylie 80's side ponytail and fedora on that smog monster."
- don't forget the satin hotpants, too.

Even though I hate what I went through, I agree that it's worse to be the Golden Child because that never ends. The idea of keeping the myth going in order to be 'safe' from the treatment she saw being meted out to me is an important one. I think, deep down, she must have SOME awareness that I've got away, and she's still trapped. She still lives a few minutes' drive from my NMum, in a boring grey town in Essex, close to where we grew up, and they see each other virtually every day (bleh!). I, on the other hand, moved 300 miles away and live in the beautiful Peak District. She's got to listen to the endless regurgitating of past bitterness, and I haven't.

What worries me is that my NSister will probably repeat the cycle with her own daughter, as she'll know no different.

Gaining Strength,

They just don't get it, do they? Or don't want to. Too painful.
I'm glad you found validation here, too. Isn't it important?

Janet

[NoMoreMindGames]

Iphi,

Yes!! That's her!! (How did they get a piccy of her to put on wiki, though??!

" Now put a Kylie 80's side ponytail and fedora on that smog monster."
- don't forget the satin hotpants, too.

Even though I hate what I went through, I agree that it's worse to be the Golden Child because that never ends. The idea of keeping the myth going in order to be 'safe' from the treatment she saw being meted out to me is an important one. I think, deep down, she must have SOME awareness that I've got away, and she's still trapped. She still lives a few minutes' drive from my NMum, in a boring grey town in Essex, close to where we grew up, and they see each other virtually every day (bleh!). I, on the other hand, moved 300 miles away and live in the beautiful Peak District. She's got to listen to the endless regurgitating of past bitterness, and I haven't.

What worries me is that my NSister will probably repeat the cycle with her own daughter, as she'll know no different.

Gaining Strength,

They just don't get it, do they? Or don't want to. Too painful.
I'm glad you found validation here, too. Isn't it important?

Janet

you know, i was pretty much the "golden child" to my N father, up until i moved out from his house at age 19, sick of his, stepmother's and stepbrother's BS.

it's funny, because my sister sometimes indicates she is jealous that i was the "golden child", i guess because i at least had SOME sort of relationship with our father (whereas she really never did and was D&D'd from the moment she was born).  she'll sniff and say "hmph.  you were the "golden child", in a mocking tone, somewhat jokingly, but somewhat not, too.  i never, however, behaved like your sister did, Janet, nothing like that...i wasn't an N.  just confused, especially bc my father would say such horrible things about my mom, sister, brother, grandmother, and everyone, yet i still felt like i needed to be a part of that family.  it felt like my loyalties were being torn in two.  i'm not sure being the golden child to an N is necessarily any easier than being the ignored scapegoat.  my father would tell me how my mom was a pedophile, for instance...and i felt like i should believe him, even though i'd never seen evidence of that.  later, when i told my mom that, she was upset that i believed him.  but what was i to do, being 17 years old, wanting desperately to be accepted and loved by my dad, and not getting along with my mom at that time at all?  it never crossed my mind back then that he might fabricate such a horrid lie about my own mother.  those are just some of the games that get played with the "golden child". 

[JanetLG]

Authentic,

Yep, they sure can go on and on. And they have to have the last word, too.


Janet

[Gaining Strength]

Yep, they sure do!

[JanetLG]

Ha ha!!

Yeeeeess, just like that.

Janet

[NoMoreMindGames]

BAAAAAARF  on her!

 
sorry, this made me LMAO!!

[JanetLG]

S+Safe,

I'd love to " BAAAAAARF  on her!"....except I'd have to GET UP CLOSE to her to do it, and I don't intend EVER to get that close to her again. Not ever.

Perhaps I could post her some?

Thanks for saying it took real guts to post the email. I felt confident BEFORE I posted it, but as soon as I hit the 'send' button...well, you know how it is. But I feel so much better now, after the responses I've had. Truly great, this forum is!

I'm sorry you had a sister like that too. Yes, a real human one would've been nice.

Janet


Janet

[dandylife]

Janet,
I've just been catching up after not having been around a few days. Wow. Your sister is....amazingly full of herself.

Putting blame on you for her miscarriage is the pinnacle of n-ism! oh my god. I've lost 2 babies. I was never told why. Most times they can't tell you why. It just happens. I was watching Forrest Gump when I lost my 2nd baby. Something inside my mind connects Forrest Gump to something awful, but that's just feelings. I know it's not Forrest Gump's fault I lost my baby. Goodness gracious.

This is amazingly frustrating, don't you feel hopeless? Like a big mountain has been put before you? To try and surmount this? How do you even try? Some people are best left alone.

I'm so sorry, Janet.  (((((((((Janet)))))))))) You are NOT to blame. You deserve hugs and love and understanding.

Much love,
Dandylife