The only thing is, what I disconnected from was the illusion that I was ever feeling anything in the first place.
It's too early here.
Does that mean you were having real feelings all along and didn't know it?
No, I don't think so, Izzy.
What I mean is,
I don't think I had any idea how genuine emotions would feel. Or how genuine feelings would emote... lol. I didn't even understand the difference between feelings and emotions, although I know I've read all this before.
Anyhow, there was no example to follow but what was in front of me in the home (zippo), and because shyness prohibited the sharing of any feelings, the feelings just got stuffed and left behind.
It's very difficult to express.
I thought that I loved my parents, but now I see (i think) that was not genuine love at all - it was a codependent sort of need that kept me enmeshed with them. More of a childish desperation, looking for them to give me my identity.
I thought that I loved my kids' dad, but now I see that was also a codependent, needy sort of symbiotic rubbish (see above).
Now I know that I genuinely love my kids, but I can't say whether I acted out of that love in the past or simply out a trained response, although I did do alot of things with and for my children which I did NOT learn from my mother, so there must have been some feelings and intuitions at work, but I was mainly unaware of them.
However it was, I only just recognized how real love for them feels (and evidences itself!) when I went to be with my oldest daughter last month as she was hospitalized. Till then, I had not "felt" love for her in ages, because she is also very, very N'ish and because she was at the hub of a great deal of pain in our family for many years.
And finally, I'm learning through relationship with my husband now, that I was never before given the sort of unconditional, loving acceptance which I'd now define as genuine love. Knowing that, I question everything that's gone before and "feel" like it was all an illusion, with me in robot-mode and not really expressing a single honest feeling as emotion, except maybe to my kids. I know, it's very confusing. Sorry.
Here are some of the resources to which I'm appealing now in order to try to understand this myself, Iz...
http://www.hr.ucdavis.edu/ASAP/Articles/Feelings It's about "Feelings vs. Learned Reactions"
and this one... about the difference between feelings and emotions...
http://www.selfhelprecovery.com/phaseii.htmI dunno about some of it, but this makes sense to me:
"There needs to be a clear cut understanding between the differences of Emotions and Feelings. Feelings that are generated as a result of an event or situation is a natural reaction to protect our self, our natural self esteem our boundaries. If you here a rumor that your company may start layoffs and your job may be in jeopardy and you feel some anxiety and fear, this is natural. What you will eventually discover in this program,the right approach would be to actually allow your self to feel what you are feeling and when the feeling clears ( integrates ) you will have a better insight as to what action to take.
On the other hand if the same situation generates a massive anxiety attack with an overwhelming negative inner dialog…those catastrophic thoughts then you are dealing with an emotion that is attempting to clear. The process as you also will see is to allow your self to feel the pain to clear it…but normally at this level it will take time to completely clear. An emotion is a major repressed feeling(s) from the past stored in our body.
A different way to compare the two is an Emotion would be a Hurricane Katrina, a normal Feeling would be a Warm spring shower with a mild wind…"
And then there's this, of which you may already be aware (seems like you are), but I wasn't... and maybe it would help?
http://www.outsmartyourbrain.com/content/view/98/56/"The more we teach self-control and the suppression of feelings, the more we impede the positive feelings, including happiness and passion, restricting instead of increasing our mental abilities.
BRAIN TIP: The good news is that we can reteach our brains to feel. We can train the brain to “fire-up” and widen the neurotransmitters in the emotional centers through interpersonal activities, complex physical exercise and specific mental and spiritual pursuits.
It takes becoming conscious to our world in the present moment. We have to take the time to acknowledge subtle emotional reactions in the body, such as muscle tenseness, changes in breathing, throat clogging, urges to disconnect and surges in adrenalin. We also have to take the time in our busy days to stop and REALLY listen to those around us, listening for what they are feeling and what they are probably not saying. What is it that they really want and need from us?"
So... it's about creating space for listening, to ourselves and to others.
This is all news to me, so I have alot of study and work and practice to do.
Till then, I'm pretty much spittin into the wind... but maybe some of this will help you, too. I hope so. Sorry too that this is so long, but it's all so tied in together, that I didn't know how else to try to explain.
Love,
Hope
