Am I bad for playing the game??

[Overcomer]

Hi everyone.  I live in a nice home but we have four pets and the backyard is very steep and hard to mow.  A couple of years ago I started thinking of getting an acreage so the animals would have a place to run.  I also thought it would be really nice to have a swimming pool. 

My daughter and I would go to Open Houses on Sundays and look and dream.  We were looking at homes we could never afford and really setting ourselves up to be disappointed.  There was one property in particular which I loved so I asked my mom and daughter to come look at it.  We all loved it but again, it was out of our price range.  My mom called me later and said she would really be happy if we lived closer to her and my dad so they could see the grandchildren more.  She found a repo property with a pool close by so we went and looked at it and realized it was too much work.

I decided to look for properties more in our price range and close to my parents.  I found a property with almost an acre and an in-ground swimming pool.  The house was comparable to ours but had some amenities besides the pool and land that were more desirable than our home.  I went and looked at it and fell in love with it.  My husband wanted to look at it the next day so I invited my parents to go see it as well.  Everyone loved it.  We put an offer in on it and they accepted.

My mom said she would help us out financially if we couldn't get ours sold quickly enough.  It all seems to be working out.

My question is...........am I playing the game?  I asked my mom for money and she has graciously given it to us.  I think she is trying to make peace for our troubled work relationship and I might be taking advantage of her generosity.  Will I be a bad person if I try to continue setting boundaries with her when she has given us so much?  I fell into this hook once before when she paid for my H and my college and I felt so indebted to her that I allowed her to pretty much control every aspect of my life.  Or maybe now I can set boundaries (since I have learned a lot in the years....) but still accept her help without strings???

Any insight??

[Tweety]

.  Or maybe now I can set boundaries (since I have learned a lot in the years....) but still accept her help without strings???

Any insight??

Hi newcomer,
I have struggled with this as well. My mothers control over me has been her money as well.
Very tuff stuff, I sympathise with you... I just went through a similar experience with her , with giving my son money for buying his first car. ( I am a single mom, we needed the help)
I have felt and had all the same feelings and doubts that I will still Be able to maintain my boundaries. Well all I can offer up here is that since June I have been able to, and yes there have been times that she tried to suck me back in. I have retained my emotional boundaries.
Being aware of all this puts you in a better position I feel and you are more aware now, It won't be easy and hey If you slip a little, no biggie, just use that as a lesson to be more aware and don't beat yourself up over it and continue on with the boundaries. Look at it as an opportunity for growth.
 I say Go For IT. Trust yourself, you'll be OK
Love Tweety

[Gaining Strength]

Will I be a bad person if I try to continue setting boundaries with her when she has given us so much?

No you are not a bad person - period.  Boundary setting has no value attachments.  But you are wrong that there are no strings attached.  In fact you actually know this - it is revealed in this statement - will I be a bad person if I set boundaries when she has given me so much.  If the giving is free you do not owe her.  Boundaries has nothing to do with debts.

  Or maybe now I can set boundaries (since I have learned a lot in the years....) but still accept her help without strings???

I really want to hightlight that you can accept without strings but I don't believe that is what yo are doing.

I gently suggest that you are still conflicted about your boundaries with your mother.  I think you would be much better off if you would be realistic about what her strings are rather than by denying that there are strings.  There are strings and the real decision is whether you can live with them.  First you must figure out what they are and then you must figure out whether they will shift over time or not.  Then when she pulls your strings you will be far less reactive because you will be able to call them for what they are - strings.  And you will have already decided that having the house and amenities are worth the strings.

Good luck - By the way - is your surgery still set for the 23rd?  Boy, you have alot going on.  All kind of changes and good ones that I hope bring you great comfort.

your friend - Gaining Strength

[lighter]

Do you think she's doing something nice for you..... so you'll shut up and stop all this foolish boundarie enforcement, lol?

I'd normally say 'It's a traaaaap..... RUUUUUN' but....

I'm not myself these days, lol..... so....

Since she's offering....

and since your enforcing your boundaries and she's still offering....

why not continue down the road as you are.....

and refuse to compromise who you are and your very human need for empathy and dignity?

See how that works out for ya?




Lighter's saying for the day... and this is an important one.... so pay attention:





GUILT





SUCKS: )

Receive the gift in the spirit in which you'd give it to your own child. 

Let it bring joy, not pain and sickness, yes?

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
   I have no words of wisdom. I want to say that I wish all the peace ,joy and dove for you in your new home. Also, a very successful surgery for you.
                                                                                   Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

The surgery is set for Monday, August 27.  Right now we are stripping wallpaper and I cleaned out the garage in 100 degree heat.  I am sweating like a pig.  I am on a 1200 calorie diet until the surgery but I went a bit over yesterday!!

Garage Sale on Friday and Saturday........I have a LOT of stuff to sell.....

My husband will keep my mom from pulling too many strings.  He hates it when they stop by.  I am afraid they will stop by more often since we will only live five blocks away.  I want my dad to come over and swim since he needs exercise and is diabetic and can hardly walk.  So I guess from that perspective it is ok if they stop by.

My mom said that she is giving me some of my inheritance BEFORE she dies so she can enjoy seeing us benefit from their money instead of dying and then having the family fight over their wealth.  We are all starting to bicker over the log cabin that everyone loves.

So although I think my mom is definitely an N, I think deep down inside she is a descent person.  Mu aunt says her success in a MLM company ruined her because she got so used to people flocking around her like a celebrity and she made a lot of money.  Now she is well known for her donations and she also looks a lot younger than she is since she has had three face lifts and a tummy tuck.....people think we are sisters.

But I really believe she loves me and my kids.  I just don't think she thinks anyone can make a decision better than she can - you know, it's her way or the highway.  That is her major fault.  She NEVER thinks anyone has good ideas other than hers.

Oh well, I am pretty good at setting boundaries and also putting work and personal lives in separate boxes.....

Thanks to all for your support......I really cannot wait for the surgery....I have been waiting so long and now it is 13 days!!

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I have always had the intuitive feeling that your M is not in the same league with mine. Mine will destroy you. Yours seems to just be a
":big shot". Mine will knife you and leave you bleeding( while smirking)   Anyway, just wanted to share that impression of your M                    Love  Ami

[Bella_French]

Hi Overcomer,

I can relate to your confusion, as my mother makes generous offers such as co-buying property every once in a while that make me wonder if they are `bait' .

I feel that my relationship with my mother is quite good IF she doesn't hold too many` cards'. I'm not sure how many is `too many' and that is why I am confused. When she `holds all the cards' like she did when i was a child, I have seen how badly she use that leverage. Even today, she can be ridiculously cruel to those who need her (my sister and my father).

Overcomer, you have a lot of experience with being closer to your mother, and you seem to be able to get her into line when you need to. I don't think you need to worry right now. Please enjoy your lovely new property! its sounds so perfect and beautiful!

X Bella

[Overcomer]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.  We are moving into the new home in October so the pool will be closed for the season.  So this surgery should allow me to lose the 70-100 pounds and I should be able to walk out into the backyard with a (yikes) bathing suit on.  I assume I will still wear one of those suits with shorts and a tankini....I'll bet my legs will look a little crepey...

My mom isn't mean.  She can get mean if people interrupt her or contradict her.  Of course, she has to be in charge and the center of attention.  And she also thinks no one else could possibly have an idea that was better than hers.....it truly is "her way or the highway."

My husband will not allow her to step over the boundaries.  Although I do not think he would say anything.  I would have to tell her that he is uncomfortable.  At least I can blame it on him.

GS:  I know you understand.  These people with lots of money always try to attach strings to any gifts.  Obligation.  As long as her strings are not mind control, I can deal with it.  If she starts the "I think you should.."  I will have to put her in her place.  I think she is a bit intimidated by me.  I do tend to snap especially if I am PMSing.

Ami:  No.  Not evil.  I am sorry your mom is that way.  Yes, my mom has called me fat-fat and has probably told people I am unstable.  But I do not think she hates me....she just doesn't understand me and never will.  Yours?  NC is probably the best bet for you....just like Janet.

Bella and Tweety....thanks for your kind words.   I will try to keep boundaries AND enjoy the perks of having a mother with enough money to go around...

[Gaining Strength]

The surgery is set for Monday, August 27.

I'm very happy for you - and a new home to come home to.  That's very nice.  You deserve it.

[isittoolate]

parents usually would like to help the children, if they can and if they feel the child deserves it (OK OK  PUT AWAY THE BASEBALL
BATS!)

My parents were very odd but at the same time they would turn around and do something good.

When i was buying my house, I was short about $500 + in cash for the down payment, as all my money was tied up not expecting this adventure.   I invited them to see the house and Mom liked it because it was wheelchair accessible and loaned me the money. She was paid back in no time.

Another time when my eldest sister played the stock market and made enough to buy herself a new car, VW Beetle, red, 1968 and I was driving a' sh*t brindle '60 VW Beetle ready to fall apart.  My father went looking for a new one for me, found a good used one, black, '67 used only 5 momths and the guy was sent back to Germany (soldier). He arranged for a loan for me at the bank and co-signed, then they called me and told me. I was dumbfounded!!!!

It never cost him a cent, I made all the payments and it was a very nice thing for him to do--well I deserved it--well more that HE pay for it after all the beatings--but I won't say that here!

Izzy

[Hopalong]

OC,
You can make your peace I think and enjoy the house along with your brand new health.

Bodywarming and housewarming for Kel!

love
Hops