I keep coming up against the idea that my mother is suffering just as much as I am. In a different way, yet the same. She sees me through the filter of her neglectful mother; I see her as my mother but through the filter of a child's eyes - at age 2, 10, 19 and all the ages in between as the occasion dictates (otherwise I couldn't experience myself as her 'victim').
Is it - ultimately - so very different??? Hmmm - only in terms of insight, I think. She has none. I struggle to 'get there'. She's dangerous to me when she's an angry 2 year old and if I'm open to her (whatever age I'm experiencing her at). So that's when NOT to get involved in attempting to 'reason'. But two people who are 'capable' of being 'grownup' should be able to go the extra mile towards mutual understanding, even when hurting.
Challenging thoughts????
Hugs to all.
R
Rosencrantz,
I find these very challenging thoughts. At first it seemed enough just to have a glimmer of understanding as to what was going on as far as life with a NMother. But what do I do now?
My mother had some tough times growing up. She was the oldest of 9 children and her mother died when my mother was 17 and her youngest brother was 4. Then her father was hit by a car and killed 10 years later. Being the oldest must certainly have been a factor in her personality. And the loss of her mother would have compounded that.
I'm not sure what the situation with her father was. She claims he was an alcoholic and extremely authoritarian; but anyone who disagrees with her is at fault, and the only time she approves of drinking is when she would like a drink. Which, thankfully, is very seldom, especially these days.
Now that she's 79 years old, does this excuse past and present cruelty? I think she must be suffering, but maybe that's just projecting.
You say your mother has no insight, and neither does mine. None whatsoever, I believe. But maybe I'm wrong. It's the not knowing that keeps my guilt running full tilt when I try to keep my distance.
One thing I'm sure of is that she's really not capable of being a "grown-up" in the real sense. And I'm almost certain there will never be any mutual understanding.
My mother's way of maintaining relationships is to deal with one family member at a time, alternating between rage and the ability to act as though nothing has ever been wrong in the relationship. Unfortunately both my sister and brother accept this and lie low when the rage is at them, resurfacing and pretending nothing happened when it's directed somewhere else.
I can't do this anymore. Or maybe I can, and I'm just being selfish. Not long ago my mother phoned me at 11:30 pm to say she was feeling unwell and wanted to let me know in case she expired during the night. "I shouldn't trouble myself," but she thought someone should know. Of course I offered to come right over, which I did, and stayed with her all night leaving at around 6:00 am when she was certain the crisis had passed.
I still don't know what the actual health problem was, some stomach discomfort...all very vague. But she later mentioned to me, as if it were perfectly reasonable, that her real reason in wanting me to come over was so that I could write down her dying words. She even had a steno pad and a pen ready when I arrived, although I didn't know that until later. I guess she couldn't quite bring herself to request that I be poised to take dictation all night. She's been preparing for her deathbed scene ever since my father died three years ago, instructing as to who she will and will not allow to be present depending on who's in favor and who's out.
The reality is that one of these days, it will be for real and I have to ask myself if I can live with myself if I'm not there for her. Or this could go on for another fifteen or more years in which case I'll be in a strait jacket and unable to take dictation anyway when the actual moment comes.
It's all VERY challenging
and I'm certain that from the perspective of anyone who has NOT had to deal with an N, that I am neither understanding, nor mature. How does one go about explaining this stuff to "normal" people without sounding like an absolute fool?
Singer
