ANXIETY

[axa]

Hi all,

I am absolutly full of anxiety today.  My stomach is in turmoil, heaving over and over again.  This has been going on for a few days.  I feel so stressed and over wrought.  I am aware of looking for distraction but am trying to stay with the feeling.  Sometimes it subsides and is replaced by sadness and here we go again anger.  I think the anger is just a cover for the sadness but if is so powerful.  I have tried to be present to the anxiety, went for a run which normally makes me feel much better, but not today.  I just want to rage and scream, damm I hate all this stuff. 

Could do with some support or words of wisdom

Axa

[finding peace]

Axa,

No words of wisdom I go through the same thing - and HATE it, but I am sending you tons of support.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Axa, hon...

I wonder if the upcoming move and all these changes are really setting off the anxiety machine? It would for me, but that truly doesn't mean it's not going to wind up being a wonderful experience.

(I know you know that in the rational part...the anxiety machine is hard to unplug sometimes though.)

If you can do some simple breathing, maybe less adrenalinized stuff than running...warm baths, getting massages regularly, to ease you through the transition, maybe that would help too.)

You're doing hard work. To move forward in your life you're tugging up some deep roots, and there's strong reistance. That's okay. Your courage is stronger.

And moving forward doesn't always look like ballet, sometimes it's more like monster trucks.

lots and lots of love to you, and don't despair, hon...

Hops

[spyralle]

Lots and lots of love and support to you Axa...

I'm gonna go in the opposite direction and say..  What do you think would happen if you did rage and scream..  What if you got a pillow and kicked the s**t out of it.....

and then did all the relaxation stuff..

Spyralle xxx

[teartracks]

Dear axa,

I do hope you're feeling better.  Keep posting.  Let us know how you're doing.  I know how debilitating anxiety can be.  Sending lots of sincere hugs.

tt 

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - I've used all three of S+S's suggestion.  They do help.  Also Epson salt baths help alot.  I have also found that much of my anger comes from anxiety.  I am surprised that the running did not help.  Can you get at what the anxiety is coming from?

I have just come out of a year of anxiety and found that staying with it can help but there are many, many times when I simply have to find a way out.  When my anxiety was the worst this summer I used Kava, kava and Epson salt baths.  It definitely helped.

I'm thinking of you. - GS

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
   Towrite talked about emotions having "flip" sides.I have not gotten to the level of sadness ,yet,but I think that sadness is probably under the other emotions.
  Axa, you have so, so so much courage. Of course, you will feel afraid. You have a big life transition.
  It is 'normal" .
  I think that you are having some "panic" about all the many ,big changes that you have been brave enough to undertake                                                         Love     Ami

[spyralle]

Hi again,

Just want to say..  be a bit careful with Valerian.  It works more most but some people have a very bad reaction to it.  Unfortunately I am one of those...  it gives me very very vivid and terrible nightmares..

Spyralle xxx

[axa]

THanks everyone............. feel much better this morning.

Something that I believe is going on for me which I had not been aware of is that I am mourning.  I think when I threw XN out I was so relieved to be out of the madness I felt quite high.  I then went onto the anger, relief, looking at new ways of moving on my life etc but I think I never mourned the person I loved.  I have shifted the anger and anxiety a bit and underneath I am left with sadness and loss.  I guess I was so fired up I never allowed myself grieve the man I loved, yep, know he was a fake, but there were times when I felt real love for him.  The fact that this guy never existed does not negate the fact that I loved him.  I think I needed to acknowledge this, not get caught up in some fantasy about him, but acknowledge my feelings, because they were real.

I feel a lot less anxious this morning.  I am also in the real world and know that he was a full blown N and feel a sense of relief that he is gone, so no rose tinted glasses.  Guess I have been saying goodbye and moving through the mourning process.

Did a bit of what you suggested Spy and that did release something.  I feel in such an inbetween place at the moment, neither here nor there.  I wish I was moved and settled into a new apartment and off to university, staying with this bit is a struggle.

Thank you all so much, great to have you all here hearing me.

axa

[towrite]

Axa - could you be overloaded/overwhelmed and this is your body's way of telling you to take a break for now?
I totally understand the anxiety - I have pushed my feelings from my awareness for a long time now and this dream last night has blown off the cover. Hugs to you. Cuddle yourself.

towrite

[axa]

What would I do without you guys.  All the replys to my post HELP me sooooooooooo much, I don't know if you have any idea of the impact of your care when  you sit at your computers and post to me.  They sustain me in a way nothing else does.  I always feel this place is such a comfort and caring place.

CB,

What you write about seeing you X resonated with me.  When XN came to my house the last time I did not recognise him.  I kept thinking this is so weird.  I lived with this man, slept with him but I had no idea who he was.  It was so strange I looked hard at him to see my xpartner but the man in front of me was a stranger, even physically, I did not recognise him.  I know he has not changed so obviously it was me.  I had seen someone completely different to the person who stood in front of me.

The anger I have felt BORES me to death at this stage.  It reminds me of a bad toothache that keeps throbbing, I get so frustrated and angry with it nagging away in the background.  Maybe this is the place I needed to come to ......... complete and utter boredom with the thought of El Creepo.

My course starts on 24th September, can't wait.  I think it is like when you were on the farm, bit of no mans land.  BUT I am excited too, bit scared also.

Towrite,

Trying the cuddling, thanks moving through things now thankfully.

Ami,

I think I need to remember that this is a significant life change for me.  I have gone back into old mode.  You know, I can manage anything, just get on with it blah blah blah.  I need to be gentle with myself and acknowledge the major changes I have made over the past months.  I think I do not give myself any credit for what I have achieved, the queen of discounting here.

Thanks all,

axa

[Hopalong]

Major changes no kidding, Axa.
You have reached into the clay and fashioned yourself a new life.
It will always be shaped by the old one and that's what will make it beautiful.

Are you renting out your house while you do school?

with love,
Hops

[axa]

Hops,

Hoping to rent it out.  Had some people come this morning with the agent, I got out to let them have a good look, have not heard from them yet but fingers crossed.  I need the rent to pay for my rent when I go to university otherwise I am really stuck for cash.  I try not to get anxious about it but it is difficult.  Keep praying, "dear God send me some rich Yanks who want to live in the middle of nowhere" prayers not answered as yet.

axa