Major Breakthrough in Understanding

[gratitude28]

I understand completely that it has nothing to do with me... I am just not that interesting. It's not hate or anger, it's just boredom. Kind of weird to realize this...
Love, Beth

[Iphi]

Actually you are really interesting.  But no, not to an N.

[Certain Hope]

Beth?

Could you please run that by me one more time?

You are utterly fascinating compared to me

Hope

P.S. on edit... I just remembered... Beth, when are your parents coming?  Are they there now? 
((((((((Beth)))))))) honestly, you are not boring. My parents act bored with me, too... but hey, they are bored with anyone who already knows their game.

[teartracks]

Beth,

Take a break.  Go for a walk.  Kick the garbage can -  whatever it takes, but don't believe that lie that you're boring.  Get back with us, OK?  You've been through so many transitions these last months.  That can just suck your energy.
Sending love to you and yours,

tt

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
  Any person who is 'real' is not boring. They are interesting----- always. Trust yourself about what your parents are like. You know the truth down deep .Maybe,it is just easier ( and less painful) to BLAME YOURSELF.
   Didn't we DO this as kids?. It was MUCH easier for me to hate myself than to face the truth about them.I totally turned on myself. It was better than seeing the evil in them . I did not have the  strength to see or face the evil. Now, I do.  I think that you are just wanting them to be different. You are feeling so hopeless about  the reality.It IS awful. It is HORRIBLE. No one should have parents like this.You sound like a loving and sensitive person. You are in my prayers.,Beth.                            Love 
                                                                                                                                  Ami

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Thank you))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I wasn't meaning to sound negative. I mean it really. All the negative emotions I feel are of my own creation. I guess what I meant to say is that she doesn't do this maliciously, she is just a self-centered cow. Is that clearer???? Truly. It is a moment of clarity. And it hasn't been that bad in some ways. And it has been great to see my dad. Also, she is on better behavior since my husband is around. But she is rude and it amazes me. The things she tells/told me not to do are EXACTLY what she does. And to think I blamed myself for doing wrong all these years.
I know this sounds scattered. I feel a bit scattered. I feel like I understand more and I am so much more in control of my emotions. At the same time, I am astounded at how she can hide her true self at times.

Love you all.

Beth

[teartracks]

(((((((((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))))))


tt

[isittoolate]

It might not work for everyone, depending on the circumstances, but I have put all toxic people in my life away over there on the other side of the fence.  There is dead, brown grass. I don't hate them, as I am too busy fixing myself.

On MY side of the fence there is lush green grass (that will never require cutting) and my side of the fence is white (don't know  theirs--likely it is bare wood.)

They must stay there and NOT talk to me as I am the one who will allow a conversation, on my side, as I take my time to put my life together the way it actually played out so that I can end up not hating anyone.

I try to think of them as having parents and grandparents and siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins, and poverty, and too much wealth, and physical problems, maybe fell through the hole in the outhouse, lived in a time when they died early in  life and likely never knew about psychology, so no one is really to BLAME.

Only one sister of mine, I believe, hates me and that will never change because I am on to her and she will never admiit the truth. I don't hate her, but feel pity for her. She will not be part of my 'healing'.

Izzy


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[Bella_French]

Dear Beth,
Do you suppose that "boring" or  "interesting" is a matter of having shared interests with someone or not? Personally I love hearing what you have to say because I find you interesting:)

X Bella

[JanetLG]

Beth,

I can honestly say I have never in my life come across a more interesting bunch of people than the ones on this board - AND THAT INCLUDES YOU!!! 

You have said so many interesting, insightful things to me (sometimes not actually to me, but I look out for your posts to others, too).

Is it a trait of N survivors that we are very interesting people, but we can't see it? Or that we don't want to see ourselves the way the N's did, at least?


Janet

[axa]

Pre therapy I found people who took care of themselves boring, people who had boundaries, this was a long long time ago.  Now I realise that I was boring, same old cycle of looking for excitement etc.  As I mature I find people with boundaries and an ability to take care of themselves mature and REAL and I am working my butt off to get over to their side of the fence.

I know that Ns hate people with boundaries, they are envious of their groundedness, they are jealous of their ability to enjoy the simple things of life, to be able to be themselves and not put on a falseness to gain attention.    When an N finds one boring I would take it as a compliment, it means they have to reject the realness of you.

axa

[Ami]

dear Axa,
  You gave me my answer of 'why my M hated my "core". It was b/c it was "real". I  wanted to have values-- that is "real". I wanted to have bonding-- that is "real". I wanted to have self respect and self nurturing--- that is "real'. THAT is what she was trying to destroy b/c she does not know HOW to have it so she does not want to see it in anyone else.She hated anything REAL.
 Now, I see why she mocks my relationships with my kids and dogs. She really mocks the dogs one. She always has to tell me that her patients( the really, really screwed up ones) LOVE their animals, as if bonding  with an animal and being REALLY screwed up go  hand in hand  .                         Love  Ami

[towrite]

"All the negative emotions I feel are of my own creation."  Beth, I don't understand this statement. Could you explain?

towrite

[axa]

AMi,

I think Ns hate anything real.  It creates terribly anxiety for them because they do not understand realness and of course they have to be in contol of everything ALL the time.  So here is there person who has feelings they cannot control.  It is mad making stuff for them.  I was touched when you said you wanted real bonding.  This is also what I wanted with XN and infuriated him.  I kept looking for a connection with him, which of course was not possible.  The more I looked the angrier he got because he knew there was nothing there.  I was inadvertently showing him this.  It must be so terrible realise that you are an empty person, less than human, imo.  Xn used to tell me that I was holding up a mirror to him and he did not want to see what was in that mirror.  He wanted to continue the lie, to play "lets pretend I am a nice person".  Nearly feel sorry for him as I write this, but not quite!

[Hopalong]

I kept looking for a connection with him, which of course was not possible.  The more I looked the angrier he got because he knew there was nothing there.

that explains a lot to me, Axa, about all the misery and yearning and confusion I'd feel with Nbfs. I just didn't get it how we could be sexual, cook together, laugh, socialize, even travel...but ultimately, nothing there and nobody home.

love
Hops