If they aren't questioning and doubting me - then what are they doing?

[SoSmall]

Hi, what has lead me to really seek help is the way I relate to others - especially at work. 

My parents spent my entire childhood telling me what was wrong with everything I did.  It filled me with self doubt.  It also left me feeling just about anything said to me was an "attack", judgement or criticism.

Here is an example of a conversation I had tonight with a co-worker.

Her: What kind of (work) schedule are you trying for next month?
Me:  Oh I am trying to get Tues-Thurs off.
Her: Oh Not ME !! I have to have my weekends off!

Ok, the thoughts that go through my head (and this happens a million times a day) are - She thinks she is better than me.   She thinks she is RIGHT to have weekends off and I am WRONG.  I turn it into this right and wrong thing all the time.  I don't understand why she has to say what she does?  Is this normal converstaion?   But it's not just her - it is alot of people.

When people talk to me - I listen - I don't feel the need to say "I do this or that".  For someone to reply with what they do - makes me think that THEY think I am wrong.  I actually began to justify and explain why I wanted Tues - Thurs off. 

I WANT to change the way I am.  I WANT to change the automatic responses in my head.  But, until I can understand what they are doing - then all I know to feel is criticised.  She also compared atleast 2 other things I was doing to what she would do.  Is it a contest?  I care to hear what she does - as long as it isn't in direct contrast to me. 

So what is she doing?  Help me to understand what she is doing, why she isn't pointing out that I am wrong, why - even if she is - do I care?  And how I can let it roll of my back with out justifying myself in my head for hours b/c Lord knows I can't speak up for myself 90% of the time.

Thankyou

SoSmall

[Ami]

Dear So Small,
   You sound so dear and sweet ,to me. What you are describing is the type of brainwashing we get by our N parents. We are like people in a cult. After people are out of the cult, they have to be de- programmed. WE do too,
   It is so, so so hard. However, I think that the simple answer is that the N parent polluted our thinking mechanisms. We don't think and perceive what is actually happening. We have N "filters. Whatever messages  we were told, we believe. Then ,our life becomes a "self fulfilling: prophecy.
   I think that we ,on the board,are trying to unlearn these messages(IMO).
   I think that ,in your example, one of two things could be happening. One might be that the co -worker is making a casual comment. The other is that she is trying to "jab" you. Either way, you are interpreting her comments as threatening to you.
  In REALITY, it is not a threat at all. A true threat is when someone is going to "hit you" or hurt you in some way like that. You are taking it as a threat b/c of your "faulty" thinking.
   As I was trying to help you, I saw that I take anyones'  anger as a threat.
   WOW-- anyway, that is how I see it, Friend                                Love Ami

[Certain Hope]

Hi SoSmall,

Honestly, I don't know... but I'm looking forward to the opinions of the others here!

I have a feeling that your coworker, for example, is mostly thinking about herself, not trying to set up a competition. But instead of just asking you, "Oh, do you have something special going on Tues - Thurs for which you'd like the time off?"  she puts herself as the center focal point. To me, it's an indication of shallowness on her part, nothing more.

What's going on in your head is something with which I'm very familiar... old defensive reactions to constant criticism and comparison.
I think that what you've done in this post, by expressing your struggles and asking for validation, is the very best way to overcome those old reactions!

Learning along with you here...

With love,
Hope

[JanetLG]

So Small,

I'm not sure exactly what your co-worker meant, but it sounds like she's just being a bit self-centred, without showing enough interest in you. But N survivors (that's us, unfortunately) do have this 'hyper-critical' way of thinking that takes almost ANY conversational exchange as a threat. It's really difficult to deal with, without some understanding of the motives behind people's conversational styles. Have you heard of  the 'Verbal Self-Defense' books by Suzette Haden Elgin? I found them very enlightening about what people REALLY mean when they say things.


Janet

[towrite]

Dear So Small - I believe one things N parents are skilled at is making us believe EVERYTHING that doesn't make them look good is ALWAYS our fault and responsibility. They teach us that every person's comments are about US and we much examine them to find how to become a better supplier to them (N parents).

To me, your co-worker's comments were about her - HER need to let you know how busy and popular she is that she MUST have her weekends off. Maybe a snide comparison to your schedule.

towrite.

[dandylife]

Dear Small,
Black and white thinking is very common for people who've been around it all their lives.

A few years ago I noticed something about myself. I would communicate like this:


"Do you want to go to the Science Museum or see Star Wars II?" (These 2 options, no other.)

"Are you sad because school sucked today or that you still have a stomachache?" ( These 2 options, no other.)

What this does is control the conversation, and lead the other person to one of the 2 options you have given. I may be giving one of the 2 options the person was thinking, but I may not.

I actually thought in my head, well, if they don't think one of these 2, then they will tell me that.

But what actually happened is that the person would get mad. "I don't think either!" "I guess I don't want to!"

They sub-consciously began to suspect I was trying to control them.

I think I needed to feel in control as my past was so out of control.

I think that as human beings, we need to learn an all-around way to communicate that's respectful of others' boundaries and we also need to be aware that others may not be as far along the path of "recovery" or "knowledge" that we are.

I'm glad I stopped communicating like I used to.

Now I just say, "What would you like to do?" or "How did your day go?" And let others communicate the way they wish.

I hope this helps.

Dandylife

[SoSmall]

this is very interesting. - if I have a similar co-worker tonight I am going to try to think, "Hummmm for some reason it is very important for them to tell me that about themselves..... next topic."

I work with different people every night.  So I really never get a chance to understand things like, "oh that's just Susie."  and understand how a certain person is.   But, I can begin to understand people are saying and doing things based more on WHO THEY are and not based on WHO I am.

I am going to work hard on changing tonight instead of focusing on, "here I go again getting upset~!"

Don't get upset - stop -think - change - move on~   

[Certain Hope]

That sounds really good, SoSmall 

Maybe the main thing to settle into our consciousness-es is that most people really aren't thinking about us (or even aware of us  )
anywhere nearrrrrr as much as we might suspect. And it's not even that they are so super selfish... just maybe "bantering".

I have never understood bantering... lol. Maybe they teach a class... 

Hope you have a great night!

Love,
Hope

[reallyME]

SOS,

I just want to make a suggestion.  What I see going on with you, is that, based on past programming, you tend to "assume" what people's motives are.

Here is a simple idea you might want to try.  Instead of assuming that people are out to get ya or are being cruel, how about asking them what they mean by what they said.

Maybe say something like "um, well that's interesting that you want those days off.  Do you have something special planned for those days?"

Sometimes, being less defensive and suspicious comes with being more conversational and curious. 

Just a thought.

~Laura

[SoSmall]

thankyou everyone for your repsonses - everyone has such great points and different perspectives.  I had a great moment tonight.  I had been thinking on and off, "Even if you're wrong - you're right!"  -- Not sure why I chose that to repeat in my head.  It just felt right.  I bascially was giving myself the permission to have an oppinion and not have to hesitate knowing if it was right. 

So tonight a customer questioned me about something I did.  I answered her politiely.  And she asked me very snottily in a sing somg voice, "Are you sure?"

And I answered her without anger or a doubt a very sure "Yes."    When I walked away I felt incredible.  1.  I didn't doubt myself.  2.  I answered her.  I used my voice and said YES.  and 3.  I didn't get all pissy and dramatic -  I have realized I do that ALOT - b/c I have trouble opening my mouth I make people pay in passive aggressive ways. 

For example when she asked me, "Are you sure?" Instead of saying YES - I would usually have gotten mad.  Take her item back in a dramatic huff (to show how much trouble she was causing me) leave and make her wait a long long time ( to make her regret questioning me) and finally return with a sweet as pie smile, saying "here ya go!"  -- In order to look like an angel.

I am proud of me tonight - it came natural and felt good!  And it was so much easier to open my mouth and answer then to go through the big drama queen I'll show you stuff!!!

[Ami]

Dear SoSmall,
   You are a fast learner. You are doing greaaaaat.                                 Love     Ami

[Certain Hope]

SoSmall,

That's fantastic!! Congratulations 

With practice, you'll embed that new mindset more firmly than ever and... wow, imagine all the energy not being consumed by the old style of relating!  After NPD-ex, I went through a long season of always feeling like I needed to defend myself/ explain... because N was such a master of the set-up. No question was innocent. Amazing how they train us to go through such a series of mental gymnastics in every encounter. But now it doesn't even matter whether the questioner is snotty or not - if I know that I did the right thing, then that's good enough! Reminds me of a Bible verse:  let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Whew, what a relief to leave off all that explaining and defending 

Hugs to you,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Love that "Yes," SoS.
You responded with calm with an exchange of information and left the snot on the counter.

Someone offered you an emotional hook and you left it lying there.

Just walked on. Great stuff!

About your coworker's comment...I also think it's most likely she was just sharing, wanting to share a bit of info about her life. No deep thought or deep selfishness, just a quick human remark. If you'd like to get to know someone like that, you could just say, "What are your weekends like?". I think the best answer for when you worry about what people are thinking of you, is to tell yourself to be curious about them. And then do it. Be curious. (Unless they're Ns, of course, and then it's better to be very very incurious. But most people aren't N at all...we just see Ns behind every bush.)

hugs
Hops

[SoSmall]

well it has been a while since my original post.  I am not doing so well.  I am getting to the point i do not want to share the smallest detail with anyone because the majority of people seem to flip the conversation around to them.  While I am constantly having to remind myself that their response has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me.  Honestly I am getting sick of it. 

If someone says to me, "I like Blue." and I personally like Green.  I do not have a need to point that out.  I either change the subject or ask questions if I am interested.  "Oh you like blue, do your kids like blue?  Blue Blue Blue" 

But, it seems usually when I say, "I like green." The response I get is, "Well I like blue.  Blue Blue Blue."  While I am working to remember that their answer has nothing to do with me.  I am not able to do that 100% of the time. (Like last night concerning the response I got when I was speaking of being a vegatarian). Sometimes I do feel their comments are a put down of my choice. 

And sometimes I get tired of being a platform for them to talk about themselves.  While I don't think it should be all about me.  I am tired of when I make a statement them using it as a jumping board into a pool about them.   Maybe they were brought up in a home where their oppinion was sooo valued they must voice it at every chance.

I however was not.  I just don't know if I am getting moodier as I get older.  More anti-social.  Or I am just getting pickier about who i want to share things with. 

[reallyME]

First of all, SoSmall, I'm hearing you.  You like green GREEN GREEN GREEN.  YOu do not require ME to like green too, but YOU do like it much more than blue, red, purple, etc...and you want your choice to be respected.

Secondly, regarding this that you said:

SoSmall: Maybe they were brought up in a home where their oppinion was sooo valued they must voice it at every chance.

From my personal experience, what you were referring to, comes from having your opinion NOT VALUED as a child in their home.  Usually, from what I've seen, it is the person who was the Lost Child, who tends to want people to keep the conversation where they want it, on themselves.  They finally feel they have a right to be heard, so they insist that they be the only ones heard.  I go through that with someone in my own family, but she's getting past it I think.

~Laura