Glad to have found this board

[alone48]

I thought I was alone out here and was near the end of my rope. Not that you want other people to suffer, but it's nice to know you are not alone. I have been involved with an N for over four years and it's just now coming to an end. I know that this is best, but it seems that he wants to destroy me before he leaves. I have quite a good job of over 16 years and live day to day just hoping to make it through. Most people say that I should just forget him and move on, don't they think I would if it were that easy. I love this man and I hate him, he has used me and taken my kindness for weakness. He is now done because I have withdrawn giving to him. I just wish the pain would go away and I could move on.

[Certain Hope]

Dear (((((((Alone)))))))),

Hugs to you. You are not alone here.

My marriage to npd only lasted 3 years and ended similarily... when I had nothing more to give. He took it all and then he wanted to complete his destruction of me before moving on... please be cautious.  Is he still in your home?

I hope that you'll share as much as you're able here... and receive great support and encouragement from those of us who have been where you are. The pain is slow going... but it does reach an end. It really does.

With love,
Hope

[alone48]

Thank you so much for your reply, I guess I should have been clearer. We were never married or lived together, just spent every weekend and vacations together. He has been single for over 20 years and has no intention of committing to anyone. I was the closest he ever got to a real relationship and it really wasn't much of one. I was the one that did all the planning, paid for most of everything, and worked around his schedule. He has only been partially employed in the time I knew him where I have had a good job (until last month) that he very much envied. He was always trying to get me to take time off even when he knew I shouldn't. I have a history of being involved with men that do not give affection, this stems from my father. My mother died when I was 5 and there was no significant woman in my life. I know that I am trying to win my father's love from people that are not capable of giving it.... how do you stop that.

Prior to this N I was married to another N (though not as bad) and this N pursued me. I left my marriage of almost 30 years for this relationship. I believe it was just to prove he could get me to do it. I am certainly not blaming anyone other than myself, just need to stop this destructive behavior while I can still salvage something.

[isittoolate]

(((((((((Alone))))))))))))))

Been away from the n for 5 years now-- it works. No Contact!
xx
Izzy

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[Certain Hope]

Dear Alone,

Sounds like you have a very good grasp of the tactics used by N to exercise his envy and entitlement.

As Izzy said, No Contact is the 1st step...  no calls, emails, visits, third-party messages... nothing.

In my opinion, that's what it takes for the fog to begin to clear... and then you'll be able to navigate the rest of the process, step by step.

Learning to acknowledge mistakes while giving yourself the compassion you've never received from others... that's so healing.
I've looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, repeatedly, for all the wrong reasons, too.
There are so many different factors intertwined through all of it... I can only recommend you continue posting and know that there is a path through and out of this maze of self-destruction. We're each at different phases and yet it never ceases to amaze me... the blessings passed on by those here who have strengths where I have weaknesses. Revealing some of each in a supportive setting like this board has been the most healing endeavor I've ever undertaken.

Welcome again... I'm so glad you're here!

With love,
Hope

[alone48]

I was told by my counselor that I wouldn't let go of  this relationship because I felt guilt over ending my marriage, destroying the family, and there was nothing to show for it....probably some truth there. It also had become such a habit that it leaves a hole in my life, now without my job it's even worse. He is not contacting me and the pattern is that he can hold out quite awhile and then I give in. He knows this and is probably just seeing how long I can go this time. There is soo much more and he is basically trying to blackmail me into giving him $$. It isn't working and he is getting nastier. The silence is welcomed, but I am waiting for the othe shoe to fall.

[axa]

Alone,

Welcome.  The No Contact is so powerful, painful for you in the beginning but with time it does help ease things and also allows you the time and space to heal.  Keep posting here as often as you need, there is great support on this board.  It helped me survive the madness of living with an N.

Wishing you strength,

axa

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
  I hear that you have a great deal of anger toward yourself for leaving the marriage and going off with the N. I almost did that a few years ago.
     I am sure that you were  hurting and emotionally empty inside. He, probably, knew all the right things to do  to charm you.You  were were just vulnerable-- not a bad person. You  wanted love and connections.
  I have a long term marriage with an N(ish?).
 So ,I can relate to how lonely you must have felt.
 I have had NC  with my N mother. It really, really gives you perspective on how bad they really are. You really don't see it if you continue contact b/c the "abnormal has become normal",just by the familiarity .
  I am really shocked when I have interactions with my M ,now, at how very,very sick she is.
  Alone, keep sharing and facing the truth. That is how you heal(IMO). Look forward to hearing from you                                      Love     Ami

[Tweety]

He is not contacting me and the pattern is that he can hold out quite awhile and then I give in. He knows this and is probably just seeing how long I can go this time.

((((((((((((Alone)))))))))))))))))))
Welcome. You have come to the right place. I'm so sorry for your pain/anger/guilt. Oh how I can relate to this . I was in a 4 1/2 year relationship with this very same type of man. He was never married, together weekends and vacations. All I can offer here to you is that my one year anniversary of not seeing him since the "end" was Saturday,8/18 and the pain does lesson. I too was the one who always gave in, went back, called him. Oh how painful that cycle was. It tapped into all my issues of abandonment, doesn't he love me enough to call me, wasn't I good enough. Did he ever love me.
Keep posting here on the board and reaching out for help. I would love to hear from you, I'm sure I could learn from you as well.
Love Tweety

[Certain Hope]

Dear Alone,

I went after ex once, after "throwing him out" when he became physically violent in the home. I went after him to bring him back "home"... because I felt so awful about failing at another relationship and so responsible for him... for everyone... for the entire world, pretty much. I would just like to say to you that there is no guilt or shame which God doesn't forgive when we turn to Him through Jesus... and He is teaching me, helping me, to see myself the way He sees me... free of that burden. I hope that you will not take offense at that... I just really don't know any other way to new life other than Jesus, in my opinion.

With love,
Hope

[Tweety]

because I felt so awful about failing at another relationship and so responsible for him... for everyone..

Hope,
Thank you for sharing that , as I'm reading all this I realised that I didn't want to have another failed relationship (after my 14 yr marrage) either and I was so determined to make it work and I also had a lot of feelings of responsibility towards him. I guess that was an underlying drive that kept me going back to try to "fix" things.
Thanks again, very helpful
Love Tweety

[Certain Hope]

You're welcome, Tweety.

N knows all about that drive... that longing... and the guilt. He can smell it a mile away and will make hay out of it, guaranteed.

((((((((Tweety))))))))

Love,
Hope

[enough]

alone,
welcome! i'm new to the boards, too, and find everyone to be just amazing.
i have just in the past week, well, less than a whole week, taken control and have initiated NO CONTACT.
so far, so good.  i was a wreck yesterday but i felt freer at the same time.
you can do this.
 for you.

[alone48]

It's funny that he really isn't that intelligent, but has the instincts of a tiger. he knows when to punce and when to lay back. Logically when I look at it, I know that he was fortunate to have me, but when I'm around him for anytime it goes back to where he is in control. I haven't spoken to him since last Wed. and haven't seen him in three weeks.
right now he is trying to say I owe money to him for helping pay his aunts bills and I didn't handle it right. I showed him the receipts and he seems to change what he wants each time I prove my point. He has told me he won't see me until I straighten this out (in other words give him $$).He is just waiting for her to die so he can inheirit, which I helped instrument the will on his behalf. I know that I was played and should be extremely angry, but still miss him.....what is that all about. I must be screwed up because a normal person wouldn't take this for one minute. I quit my job because he threatened to call my supervisor, which was entirely stupid because I have all my evidence, but he knew my reputation was important to me.

In the four years I have known him, he has worked about two months, he works in the film industry and receives residuals, but I seriously doubt it was enough to support him this long. I have given him $$ of my own, but no longer can do that so we're on to his aunt's $$. he tried to talk me out of leaving my son (who is a senior) in the private school he has been in since kindergarten. The one good thing I have done is keep him and my son separated, they have only met 3-4 times in four years. My son does not like him just because of the pain he has seen me go through. I am so sorry these are so long, but just need to get it clear in my own mind.

[Certain Hope]

Dear NotAlone,

Please use as many words as you like to get it all out there.

N is a mis-adventure of the lowest order and we've all been hooked, one way or another.

He sees your heart's desire along with all of your very best qualities and highest emotions and - for just long enough - he  mirrors those back to you, as though they're his... but it's all an illusion. The very best you ever thought you saw in him, is actually yours already! Please remember that... he is not real.

Love,
Hope