Glad to have found this board

[Hopalong]

Welcome Nota,

Seems to me in this whole sad story, there might be one bit of good news:

He has told me he won't see me until I straighten this out (in other words give him $$).

You're in luck--don't straighten it out!

I don't mean to be flip about the heartache, I've so been there and done that. But you can trust the word of so many women on this board who have endured the pangs of the ending, waited out the longing, and then found that they were so deeply glad to be free of the person they once felt nearly addicted to.

Glad you're here.

Hopalong

[Ami]

Dear Enough,
   They are 'not long". Take all the time and space you need, Friend                            Ami

[changing]

Hello!

You will get through this! You have support and caring, and it really helps! I came to this board desperately in pain, wanting my freedom, and yet in pain when the split occurred, badly shaken with each contact with my husband. I found that I had wise and caring friends on this board. It will get better!

Hugs to you,

Changing

[alone48]

Thank you so much to all of you, it gives me hope and will help me get to the next day. I have so many friends that have been so kind, but I know they are getting tired of this and I don't want to lose their friendships. Everyone has their breaking point and I may have pushed theirs. Most are in normal loving relationships and would not put up with the things they see me doing. It's funny because I am so strong in all other ways. One of my old bosses once told me I was great in most everything, but relationships of the heart.

I tried so hard not to call him today and all of you have helped that, it was an extremely bad day. I just never could understand that their were people that did not have the same emotions and wants. This is so naieve, especially since I do investigations for the courts. I just thought I could tell who these people were in my own life. Four years to someone that never even cared, I will try not to waste another day.

[alone48]

Well, it's been a week and things are looking better....somewhat. I did speak to N and he told me until we got things straightened out, I could not have my things and he does not want to see me. I said " so you are holding my things for ransom?" He got quite angry and told me he was tried of being so giving and needed to for me to show him I was taking care of things. He also told me that I had wasted half of the summer that we could of been having fun, by not taking care of business. I told him I would send him and accounting of everything in the mail. I have spent two days and finally have it ready for mailing. If anything, I am owed about eight thousand dollars. I certainly will not hold my breath waiting for it, but felt better to know I was right. I will send it tommorrow and then leave on Mon. for  a vacation at my daughter's for the next ten days. I will turn my cell phone off and enjoy peace and quiet. Then I will deal with the rest when I come home.

[Certain Hope]

Sounds like a great plan to me, Not Alone.
His statements to you could be direct quotes from npd-ex... it's all so familiarly impossible.
And I think that your attitude is great... as you set things firmly straight in your own mind, for your own satisfaction, because there won't be any resolution forthcoming from the other side... only more drivel. I know it hurts, and as you see how clear the facts are, there's a temptation to just give one more try at explaining, thinking - "surely now he will see"... but he won't. N's just wanna have "fun" 
and not the sort of fun which is enjoyable to a whole, compassionate, maturely reasoning human being.
Wishing you the very best... I hope you have an excellent vacation and enjoy your time with your daughter.

With love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Excellent plan, Notalone!

Two tiny suggestions?

Make sure to keep a copy of the accounting (you have I'm sure).

Don't just turn off the cell phone, leave it at home.

Have a GOOD TIME.

Hops

[alone48]

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I certainly kept a copy of the accounting and all the original receipts. I know this will not pacify him, but I feel better that I have taken care of business with him and can put it behind me.

I know it hurts, and as you see how clear the facts are, there's a temptation to just give one more try at explaining, thinking - "surely now he will see"... but he won't. N's just wanna have "fun"   

This is so true and I have to keep rereading it to remind myself it's a pattern and not that our situation was special. Thanks again.

[alone48]

Just wanted to give you an update. I did go on my vacation and rec'd a call from N stating he got my information and considered I was saying good bye and could I just call and clarify that. STUPID me did that and he started to berate me saying that I was a lying ,maniupulative, thief. At this point I said yes this is good bye and hung up. Today I rec'd another call saying he just had a few questions regarding my accounting and could i please call, so far I've done nothing, but thought I would email him and tell him everything needs to be handled that way. I am still shaking from his call though I don't know why.

[Iphi]

Calling you a manipulative thief is pure projection, alone48.  He is everything he is saying you are.  I would shake too, just hearing the message.  He's scary. Stay strong!  Recognize the lies!

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
  When they project-- it IS hard to see that it is THEM-- not you. I am so sorry that you are going through this((((((((((((((((((Alone))))))))))))))))))                      Love   Ami

[alone48]

Thanks so much, you're right he makes me feel as if I really should be afraid I did something wrong. I did call back and luckily got his voice mail, I asked him to please email me any questions or concerns since it was not about business and we no longer needed to speak directly as friends. That also will make him mad, but it's the best I can do. My friends say they have never seen me like this and they're afraid too, but don't know what to do. It helps to talk to people that really understand what you are up against, so many believe it's just me over reacting.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Not Alone,

I doubt whether a) there will ever be an end to his questions and
b) he'll ever be satisfied with your answers and agree to a fair resolution.

So... I'm wondering whether you really need to respond to any more of his inquiries... even by email?
Just from my experience, it simply is never enough, and absolutely never right, where N is concerned.

I am so sorry he is having this effect on you. You know he's just toying with your fears, playing on them... and yet it's so very difficult for a caring, conscientious person to not respond with explanations.... I do understand. But if it's not business anymore, and you're not friends anymore, then... what's the point of continuing any sort of correspondence?

Would you feel safer to block his calls and emails? Just wondering.

With love,
Hope

[alone48]

I debated long and hard on whether I should call back or not, but finally decided to see what it was. I was incorrect in my last post, it is still business regarding his aunt.

When I first called he was casual wanting to know how I had been and what I had been doing. After minimal small talk, I asked him what he needed. He said that he still felt I owed him money and wanted to know if I meant what I said last time. I said "yes I did mean it and if you have concerns please email me with whatever you feel the discrepancies are." he then said this is such a small amount of money compared to what you have given me. I said that's right, but it's two seperate issues so let me know why you think I owe money. he agreed to email me but proceeded to tell me how much he missed me, I said I had missed him but had learned to move on as I realized it was over. HE WAS TOTALLY surprised that I thought that. He kept waiting for me to ask to see him, but I DIDN"T. I told him I had no hatred towards him but could no longer deal with this in my life and said good bye. I hope this is it....!

[Hopalong]

Hi Alone,
Have you talked to a lawyer?

Hops