Lindo Jong is my mother...

[Ami]

_{She kept telling me i brought my health issues on myself.}


Dear Cate,
   I had to comment on this quote( above). My mother should have this line engraved on her head. I got this line WHENEVER  I had a need. This line must be a defining "saying" of the N mother.
   (((((((((((((((((((((Cate)))))))))))))))))))))))                                Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((Cate)))))))))))))

What a waste, that she can't appreciate the gift of a daughter who yearns for
affection and would respond to it so lovingly. What a pernicious waste.

I am very sorry.

love
Hops

[cate]

_{She kept telling me i brought my health issues on myself.}


Dear Cate,
   I had to comment on this quote( above). My mother should have this line engraved on her head. I got this line WHENEVER  I had a need. This line must be a defining "saying" of the N mother.
   (((((((((((((((((((((Cate)))))))))))))))))))))))                                Love  Ami

LOL

I think she had many defining "sayings" as an N mother:

- You brought your health issues on yourself

- You can't trust friends...ONLY your mother

- You will be sorry when i'm gone

- After everything i've done for you....all of the sacrifices....

- Why can't you be more like.....

- You were always so FILL IN THE BLANK (negative, rebellious, willful)

- I would never do _________ to MY mother

- Why can't you ever apologize? (this after never apologizing to me for anything - ever!)

[Ami]

Dear Cate,
   Mine has different ones.:
    You were abused by your H b/c you were too weak( I had two little babies)
      Don't think you're coming here-- my home( when I and my 2 yr.old were being abused)
    You're not sick until you are "hanging over the toilet bowl"
    You're too fat/ You're too thin
    You spend too much time on your appearance/ You don't spend enough time on yourself-- Fix yourself up a little bit
    Do well in school? Why can't you be smart enough to do well-WITHOUT studying
   When we built a new house--- she said,"Me--- I could live in a hut. This is conspicuous consumption.
     So many sayings -- so little time                                                           Love    Ami

[Starfish]

Cate,

I, too, am at a turning point in dealing with my Nmom. I am"this close" to no contact, but have not yet managed to do it.
I have not been able to master the "on my terms" relationship...my mom is a slippery eel and I always find myself emmeshed again.
Maybe we can do this journey together.

[cate]

      Don't think you're coming here-- my home( when I and my 2 yr.old were being abused)
    You're not sick until you are "hanging over the toilet bowl"
      When we built a new house--- she said,"Me--- I could live in a hut. This is conspicuous consumption.
     So many sayings -- so little time                                                           Love    Ami

ROFLMAO! Ami...you just reminded me of a few more:

When i was too sick to even get out of bed to care for my newborn:  "What? You're sick?....well don't come around here - i don't want to catch it"

When we purchased a Honda Odessey (after 4 years of looking, scrimping, saving for the one we wanted): "Foreign? I've never owned a foreign car in my life...but ONLY the best for you - you were always looking out for yourself first"

When my daughter was born: (Cue ominous music)...."NOW you will know what it means to have a daughter"

When my sister lost 2 pts of blood giving birth and they sent her home 4 hrs later: "Young mothers are TOO SPOILT these days...when i came home with a new baby i was up and about doing laundry, dishes, cooking meals for my husband...not laying around in bed all day

Inviting her out for Mother's Day brunch: "I'm busy...What's the big deal about Mother's Day anyway?"

Not taking her out for Mother's Day brunch "I can't believe i raised such an ingrate for a daughter who wouldn't even take me out on Mother's Day"

All family functions:  "I'm not going if X is there"  or "Is X going to be there? (A. No) " well, i'm still not going...you are only inviting me b/c X can't make it"


I swear my whole life, with ANY scenario involving my mother i feel like i'm playing CHESS. Every situation i play out in my head trying to anticipate her move.

My  EXHAUSTING mental process is:

Well if i do A, then she will do X but if I do B then Y will happen which will lead to X...so maybe i should do C and then Z might happen...but what if D occurs, then instead of Z she will do X"

[Ami]

Dear Cate,
   Some of those were really "funny".(If we don';t laugh we cry)The one about going out to eat defines the N mother. ANY way you "go", you lose. That is the constant dilemma-- any answer you give is the wrong one.
                                                                                       Love     Ami

[Starfish]

Dear Cate,
   Some of those were really "funny".(If we don';t laugh we cry)The one about going out to eat defines the N mother. ANY way you "go", you lose. That is the constant dilemma-- any answer you give is the wrong one.
                                                                                       Love     Ami

That is the one that made me laugh.  It is sooooo true.
I call and she doesn't answer or return the call(s).
I stop calling, and it is "you don't love me, you never call".
These are the things that are leading me to the no contact.
If we can't play their game, and we always are wrong no matter what we do...what choice do we have but to throw in the towel?

[cate]

Cate, I had to realize that my mother isn't going to change (she's in her 70's). I can't "fix" her. She angers & hurts me still - but I'm learning ways to defend my self - and not expect that she gets "well". My constant expectation that she could be different is what was causing me pain - my resistance to accepting that she CAN'T be different. When I gave up resisting the acceptance - I got free-er of a whole load of crap.

Don't know if that helps; I know the path to the light is a bit different for everyone, even with the common experiences we've had.

How did you learn to defend yourself?

You know what causes me pain? My own damn self and "magical thinking"....like i had this scene all planned out in my head when my daughter was born. I would call, she'd pick up, i'd announce her birth..mom would be estatic and happy for me, she'd rush over with a pot of soup just to hold my baby, she'd tell me what a wonderful mother i turned out to be, then she'd go downstairs to do a few loads of laundry and watch my other children, she'd reminice with me about what i looked like as a baby, how happy she was when i was born, we'd hug and kiss

OK NONE of what i just described happened.  My mother ignored me my entire PG (too busy, busy, busy doing her own crap to even return a phonecall). Completely oblivious to the birth announcement. Critical about the state of my house - never offering to help. Flying in on her broomstick just long enough to swoop down and take swipes at my fragile post-partem ego and then once she had me in tears, tell me how i was "too sensitive" and zooom away.  Always on guard. Always mean, nasty or just indifferent. Cold. Exasperated that i was cutting in to her precious time.

So how do you just CUT OFF emotionally? How do you crush hope that one day they will change? Hope is what is killing me.

[finding peace]

Hi Cate -

I so relate to what you wrote:

Well if i do A, then she will do X but if I do B then Y will happen which will lead to X...so maybe i should do C and then Z might happen...but what if D occurs, then instead of Z she will do X"

I spent hours upon hours upon hours doing the same thing - always trying to be prepared.....rarely worked!

I am glad you found this place - it has been so very helpful for me!

Peace

[Hopalong]

Hi Cate,
This applied in my life to an exNbf, but it would be the same with an Nmother...
I read several books by Pema Chodron, who showed me a new way of looking at fantasy (as an enemy) and even at hope (false hope, ditto). In particular, she literally walks you through a thinking process that helps you stop the obsessive fantasizing about what you want and helps you accept (eventually, with a peaceful heart) what is.

I read Escape from Intimacy which talked about relationships grounded in reality instead of fantasy.

That's how. I had absolutely no idea how to do it by myself. (I also think I "hit bottom" with my frustration with my mother, in the same way an alcoholic has to find a bottom before they can motivate themselves to actually be different.)

Hope one or more of these might be helpful.

Hops