I can hardly see the keyboard for the tears. For all your replies and support, I am grateful. Esp. thanks to Ami - you hit it on the head when you said the word "shame". I have had the realization, thanks to you, that shame defines me and I'm not even aware of it very often. Shame cripples - and I have been crippled; shame stunts - and I have been stunted; shame warps - and my sense of self has been warped. I don't have many weapons to fight it with, given my NM lives only two blocks away and is beloved by everyone in this city. She wrote me that 'if I embarrass' her, she will cut me out of her will - which now translates to me as her embarrassment = my shame.
I have had as little contact with her as I could manage since that fateful week in the mtns. I did call her on her b'day, I have called another couple of times, but each time I make sure I have a purpose in calling, not just to "check on" her but something to tell her. I have not brought up the mtns topic and won't. She is a bit cold but then so am I. I just cannot get close to her again - she takes it for granted that our "closeness" entitles her to stone me with shame or ridicule, esp. in front of others.
I won't go there again.
Right now I am fighting the shame that stunts me - I have quit real estate and am job-hunting. Waiting for decisions, questions that I can address. That horrible lawyer whom I tried to sue for malpractice has set me back in a successful job search. By not filing appeals on time, by not defedning me adequately, he allowed untruths to be placed in my record for all to see and for which I am now paying in my job search. These untruths, coupled with my age and level of experience, make it hard for me to get anyone to even look at me closely or my applications. I am trying hard not to cave to the shame, but it's hard.
