Author Topic: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself  (Read 4150 times)

Ami

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #15 on: August 22, 2007, 03:08:12 PM »
[he vulnerable are deeply unsafe,



Yes----    with people ,too  and kids especially                                  Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Starfish

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #16 on: August 22, 2007, 03:25:10 PM »
I tried to confront him with that and a few other specific items.  It was all diversion and obfuscation.  It was not satisfying, nor honest.  Bah.


I imagine it just provided fodder for the next round of arrows flung in your direction?
I tried the same thing with my mom a few years ago. I tried to have an honest and heartfelt conversation with her about some things that hurt me or worried me, and she sat stone faced and tight lipped. Occassionally she would deny or excuse something I would say. Then I got the silent treatment for several months (maybe longer I don't really recall).  She now refers to that as the "time I was so cruel to her", and also "I don't know why you were so mean to me that day".
 :roll:
In one way that day was a turning point.  I started to not engage her when she ostracized me.  I let her, and then I started noticing how nice my life was when she was not in it.
"To thine own self be true" Shakespeare (Polonius tells Laertes)

JanetLG

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #17 on: August 22, 2007, 05:16:53 PM »
Starfish,

Welcome to the board. I hope your wediing is absolutely brilliant!!

As to your Mum, she sounds awful. Just like mine, in fact.

I started No Contact 13 years ago. The guilt was bad at first, but it gradually subsides. You start to realise how ill it was making you, and how much calmer you feel. They don't have the right to make you feel like that, and control so much of your life.


As to what she did with your dogs...aarrgghhh!!


I'd better stop, now, as I have to breathe.

Janet

finding peace

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #18 on: August 22, 2007, 06:12:23 PM »
Hi Starfish,

I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. 

I had a similar experience with a pet – and know how painful it is.  As a child, I received more love and comfort from my pets than I ever did with my family.

Best wishes on your upcoming marriage (I ended up eloping because my parents were impossible – one of the best decisions I ever made.)

I am glad that you found this place!

Peace
- Life is a journey not a destination

Gaining Strength

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #19 on: August 22, 2007, 06:46:17 PM »
Has anyone here ever tried to "tell" someone about their Nmom, only to have their stories poo-pooed or discounted.

Yes.  One hundred times.  I finally read a book recently and the author said that Nism can be so subtle that most poeple we complain to find a way to explain each and every act away.  But it is not the single acts that are the problem it is the totality of a million single acts. 

The difficultly of finding someone to understand is what gives this place life.  We all come here having struggled with some N and suffering because of it and most of us have not found others who can even begin to understand.

Starfish

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #20 on: August 22, 2007, 07:07:44 PM »
Hi Starfish,

I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. 

I had a similar experience with a pet – and know how painful it is.  As a child, I received more love and comfort from my pets than I ever did with my family.

Best wishes on your upcoming marriage (I ended up eloping because my parents were impossible – one of the best decisions I ever made.)

I am glad that you found this place!

Peace

I am glad I found this place as well.

No one from my family will be at our little ceremony.  I told my family that we were getting married at the court house. I expected my om to be outraged, but I think she was relieved not to have to fly out. After all, it isn't about her.  SHe did ask if she was in CA could she go to the JP with us.  I held my breath, crossed my fingers, and said "well, I doubt you could get here, but of course you could". After the scene she made at my first wedding I really don't want her involved in this one.

This is going to be small. Our closest friends. The family I got to CHOSE. 

Another story....not really about my mom, but in someways it is I guess.

My husband and I bought our first house on the North Coast of CAl...it is up in the redwoods about a 15 minute drive from town and the beaches. He was a firefighter, and was killed 1 month after we closed escrow.  I was not working, and all of my closest friends lived 5 or more hours away.
After dealing with the immediate aftermath, and once I got back to the house I was alone. ALONE. No friends, no family, no partner. I did not do so well.  I was a horrible widow. Not gracious, and I was angry.  I chased many dear friends away because they could not withstand my venom, angry bitter grief. After a few months of being on my own I got Hank....a 6 week old yellow lab pup.  I am not sure what drove me to get him...maybe some inner voice knew if I were to survive I needed companionship.  I got the one thing I could "trust". A dog.
He was from the start very adorable (of course) but also very independent. He doesn't and never did like to sleep with me, and often would go to his crate to sleep.  Still does. It is his sanctuary.
I would take him every day to the beach..if just for a little while so he could stretch his legs, and  tire himself out. It was good for me too. I remember the first time I laughed out loud at one of his antics...it was so weird to hear my laugh.
One day, Hank was about 9 months old Itook him to the beach and as I was walkig to the shoreline I heard a mans voice call out asking if I got my dog in">>>". I did so I turned and spoke with him a few minutes. He was in his sixties..and nice guy, very friendly. Turns out he and his wife have Hanks littermate (they were still similar in size that they looked identical).  Her name was Annie.
We exchanged #'s for a beach outing...he would have his wife call me.
Around this time I was getting ready to go back to work, and was stressed out poor Hank who was used to me being home every day.
Well, the wife calls one day and we meet at the beach. She is also in her sixties, very nice and has a british accent despite being in the states for most of her life. We walk.
We talk.
We get togheter a few more times, and then somewhere along the line they offer to have Hank over for playdates on my longer work days (he is a retired college teacher, and she is a child psychologist).  I would visit in the morning at drop off, and in the evenings at pickups.  Then I started having dinner with them.  I meet their children (all grown and children of their own) have thanksgiving and christmas with them.
They are my family.  Somehow the breeze kicked up that day at the beach and I was granted a reprieve.  My life (Starfish II) started again slowly the day I picked up Hank, and he lead my to my friends...
The man at the beach will be the person who is going to marry G and I. The woman, whom I love like a mother (and I know she loves me) is making my cake.  The friends who stuck by me, and did not allow me to push them away are coming up (it is an annual thing).


It is hard to put into words how profoundly they changed my life.  How lucky I am to have found them.  They taught me what real love is, and what an open heart is. What a real family is.

This is what I strive for in my life.


"To thine own self be true" Shakespeare (Polonius tells Laertes)

Gaining Strength

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #21 on: August 22, 2007, 07:13:29 PM »
Wow starfish.  You are lucky.  I am so very glad for you.

Starfish

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #22 on: August 22, 2007, 07:16:51 PM »
Wow starfish.  You are lucky.  I am so very glad for you.
:oops:
at risk of sounding corny...I think they saved me.
"To thine own self be true" Shakespeare (Polonius tells Laertes)

CB123

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #23 on: August 22, 2007, 07:22:11 PM »
Starfish,

Thank you so much for sharing your happy ending.  I came home so tired today...my happy ending is just around the corner, but it's not here quite yet...and your story was like a promise.

I feel so encouraged.

Love
CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Starfish

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #24 on: August 22, 2007, 07:26:43 PM »
Starfish,

Thank you so much for sharing your happy ending.  I came home so tired today...my happy ending is just around the corner, but it's not here quite yet...and your story was like a promise.

I feel so encouraged.

Love
CB
It happens CB....but not usually in the direction we are looking I guess! I hope that you have a lovely and relaxing evening.
Hugs,
Starfish
"To thine own self be true" Shakespeare (Polonius tells Laertes)

finding peace

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #25 on: August 22, 2007, 07:47:16 PM »
Starfish,

What a beautiful story. 

It doesn't sound corny at all.  I had a similar experience with my husband's parents.  My FIL has been more of a father to me than my father ever was.

I look at my H, my Ds, and my H's family as my true family. 

Peace

(am glad to hear that your true family will be at your wedding)
- Life is a journey not a destination

Life Is Precious

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #26 on: August 22, 2007, 08:40:07 PM »
Dear Starfish,

Firstly, I would like to congratulate you for postingon this site and for keeping your head up through all that you have been through in your life. Whne I read about your puppies, I was appalled. I came from an N.Family too, and they also tried to control our lives by controlling the sources of our joy and identity.

I wanted to say that your truth comes through LOUD and CLEAR. You do not have to ever worry about being  'blown off' by anyone here. We uphold your integrity, dignity and your courage for simply having come through the way you have.

Keep going forward. I don't know how you are going to establish proper boundaries with you N.mother, but  I can only encourage you to do that. The details and manner in which you do that, of course, only you would know best.

I simply encourage you not to compromise your viewpoint, no matter what affectuion is offered in return. 'Love' that demands that you give up the truth of your life is not LOVE at all. It is selfsih, self-seeking and ugly. You  deserve love that will acknoledge your truth and applaud you for being who you are.

I'll just close by saying how good it is that you are here and that you are who you are, just the way you are today.

XOXO  :)


changing

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #27 on: August 22, 2007, 08:59:24 PM »
Dear Beautiful Bride-To-Be Starfish-

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding- it sounds so lovely and exciting. I know there will be real love and joy all around you!

I was a feral child, my NM took off when I  was almost 4, and my ND was gone all but a very few hours a day working 2 jobs as well as participating in the Masons, Shriners, etc. In truth I was raised by my dogs, and I think that they did a pretty good job. I have to give my N Father credit- he cooked a special breakfast for any puppies that we had (not for me, though) and our dogs were extremely healthy and well behaved, almost psychic. I was home alone at night many times, but had 2 large dogs with me constantly, so I wasn't often afraid. I came home to a place with no adults there (sometimes my brother would be there), but my doggies would be there, I couldn't wait to get home to be with them and I never even thought of getting into trouble (those dogs saw everything). One of my dogs was murdered by an intruder and I have never gotten over it, NEVER. But my doggies were never thrown away, they were cherished members of the family- they were my family. I am simply crushed by the story of your lost doggies, and the unfathomable and unspeakable cruelty shown both to them and to you. You are a strong person to have overcome that trauma, and you deserve the happiness that you have now.

Have fun planning the nuptials- by the way, what sort of dress, flowers, hairstyle, etc., are you having (I want to picture it all!)

Hugs,

Changing

Certain Hope

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #28 on: August 22, 2007, 09:09:35 PM »
While not as bad a some, she is classic N.  But don't try to tell her that! :lol:
For the most part I don't have contact with her, we go for months on end without talking (thank god she lives on the east coast and I on the west) but when we do...either she is making jabs at me, or talking about herself.
I start to wonder if she ever really listens to what I am saying, because as soon as I say something she is off and running about herself and then the conversation is derailed. I actually prefer it to her "pointed silences,, and comments about my life.

Dear Starfish,

Behind on my reading here, but just wanted to say "Welcome  8)" and also wish you and your intended a blessed wedding & many years of joy together!  :)

Your first brief description of your mom here fits my mother, as well. I hope that she has no opportunity to interfere in your upcoming wedding or anything else in the future! You deserve to have your time to stretch and grow and just enjoy this new life you're entering.
I'll catch up on my reading and look forward to hearing more from you!

Best wishes,
Hope

Hopalong

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Re: Please Allow Me To Indroduce Myself
« Reply #29 on: August 22, 2007, 11:22:32 PM »
Starfish,
I am so glad those two pups brought you and your new family together.
There's something...reuniony about your story. It's beautiful.

Much, much joy to you on your peaceful heartfelt wedding day!

Hopalong
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."