Groomed to be Golden?

[Certain Hope]

"We were all at her dining room table and she began this "Lady of the manor" routine she does about something she likes.
It's hard to describe, but she puts on this plastic-mask-bizarre-grinning-expression and speaks as though this thing is just the greatest in the universe... and beyond that, as though God made it just for her, because she is sooooo speshhhhhul  "

As I was reading the description above, I couldn't help but think of "Hyacinth Bucket" from "Keeping Up Appearances".

Bones

lol... yes, Bones. I used to watch that show... haven't seen it in several years, but definitely recognized my mother in Hyacinth.
Gotta love how she corrects those who pronounce her last name as it's spelled, instead of "Boo-kay".

The thing is, as I recall, rude and oblivious as Hyacinth can be... she's not cruel. She doesn't hold other people to her standards and she doesn't deliberately demean those who don't measure up. She's all about herself, but in a fairly harmless way... I think. And really, I'm just seeing at this moment, my mother is harmless to others, as well... as long as they don't expect anything from her and are strong enough within themselves to not be crushed by her judgments.
Bones, remember the neighbor woman/friend who'd come to visit Hyacinth and often spill her tea, from quivering so much? That's been me.

Love,
Hope

[BonesMS]

Oh yeah, I remember that poor woman and her brother!!!  Just about everyone RAN as fast as possible from Hyacinth!!!  She did seem to be cruel toward her sisters Daisy and Rose as well as toward her brother-in-law Onslow because they "didn't measure up to her standards".  However, the cruelty was portrayed in a slapstick way so it could be laughable.

Bones

[tempesta]

Golden Child? This title would fit my younger Sis.  My Sis was spoiled and favored by my late Mother.  My Mother had 3 other children, but you would have never known.  She set wedges in between her children.  My Sis is so N that nobody goes around her but me.  This last stuff she has stirred up has me wondering if I can forgive her like all the other times.  *Sigh* Life would sure be easier if she would just move away.   Isn't that awful to feel that way about one's sister?

[Hopalong]

I can't tell you how much I adore laughing at Hyacinth!

"RRRRRRICHAAAARD!"     

That poor man took henpecked to a new low...

The thing is, her beer-swilling BIL really was pretty awful, but oh, the whole thing, sooo funny...

I got especially tickled when Hyacinth would explain things. She was forever explaining things and her alternate reality, twisted logic, and convoluted justifications were comedic genius narratives that just cracked me up...

Surely, some of the writers on that show had Nmothers.

Hops

[Iphi]

Surely, some of the writers on that show had Nmothers.

Just what I was thinking, Hops!  I've only watched it a couple of times, but the episode where she makes her husband put a ski rack on top of the car and drive around the neighborhood came to mind.  lol!

CH - I think your mom and my dad went to the same charm school.  I swear some of the things you wrote above are soooo familiar.

Last time I actually visited him (a visit which ended in a giant rage disaster), he was all about how we had to go to this new Thai place around the corner.   He lives in a small city so they don't necessarily have tons of variety.  The Thai place was good.  I really like Thai and I now live in a large city with delicious Thai food everywhere because there are a lot of Thai immigrants here.  And WOW Thai food is delicious.  Anyway, I had to admire his Thai place up and down and was honestly afraid to even mention that we eat Thai food often at a wide variety of restaurants and we took a Thai cooking class with friends and etc.  I vaguely said I like Thai and had tried some Thai in past.   I was afraid to even go that far.     And that's when I actually agree.  He's been supremely outraged when I politely say 'no thank you I'm not hungry' when (in past years) we have gone to his choice of chain restaurant or fast food place.  It is worth your life to suggest you stop at 2 places so everyone can be happy.

[Certain Hope]

Bones, thank you!

When you mentioned the slapstick portrayal, I realized... that's how my dad's handled her nonsense throughout my life, for the most part.

By refusing to hold her accountable, and instead of choosing to shmooze up to her cold-shoulder or brush off her critical spirit with a joke,
he set the trend for me to think that I should just be able to overcome her impact by laughing it off.
To this day, he's constantly telling me to <Smile>... even writes that on the back of their envelopes to us... as though that will fix everything.

Well, I DO smile... alot! But not in his way... because to me, his way is a phony denial, a cover-up of stuff with which he refuses to deal as a responsible adult.

I've watched him take his own frustrations out on service-people - waitresses, clerks - in this overpowering, bombastic style.
If they laugh along with him, he glows. If they don't find him amusing... ooo, look out. He immediately places them into the "just like mother" box.
There is no sensibility... no happy-medium... no appreciation for some situations that simply cannot be healed by humor.
Sorry, but some things just really are not funny, especially when the joker takes offense at those who won't get pulled along into his comedy routine.

Thanks, Bones... it's good for me, I think, to see the entire picture at once, consistently, instead of falling into the old habit of alternating perspectives.
The two of them really do have a well-practiced synco-pathy... my invented word for two pathologies which appear to operate in sync with each other. heh.


Iphi,

Oh, your dad and my mother most definitely are on the same wave-length. I can completely relate to your description of the Thai restaurant experience. With as shallow a relationship as having such an establishment nearby, N is instantly transformed into a combination expert/proprietor...  so deeply invested! It's as though any small thing or experience which provides N with some measure of enjoyment must be utterly owned and consumed by them. So odd.
Like my mother and "her" Braves team. I've actually heard her say (and more seriously, than in jest) - "They need me!" ... when it comes time for one of their games to be broadcast.

I have never been permitted to know or contribute anything regarding any thing of interest to my mother; and, of course, she's not interested in anything of which she can claim no prior knowledge/experience, so... I've remained silent.
What's really creepy to me at this stage, is that I can see she would like to possess/consume my children, if she could. Not gonna happen.

Everything with which she has any involvement whatsoever is = "my" with her... it's never "the" or "our" with reference to anything.

Ahh... so many stories float by my consciousness... like wisps in the wind. Recently, I mentioned to her something about traveling to a certain location, where the kids would enjoy this aspect, and my husband that...  just thinking aloud about the various opportunities available in this place for each of us. She replied, in a very derogatory manner, with a snide, denigrating tone, something like... "well, to keep everybody happy"... as though that were the absolutely most repulsive concept in the world to her. Imagine that - actually making deliberate choices to consider each person involved, to benefit everyone, for the sake of pure enjoyment. How low, how weak, how common of me... but then, I guess she thinks, "that's how you little people operate."

Well, I've managed to banish her from my kitchen the past few years... that's progress.

Hugs, Iphi

Hope

P.S. on edit... reading back over this, I realize... wow, look at all the anything, everything, all, never statements... that's just how I think about npd... it's so absolute, so unshakeable, so... final