Crazy making.....

[rosencrantz]

Oh Caroline - if there's one thing I've learnt (and not very well!) it's that if you feel you're going crazy you most definitely aren't.  You've just hit on an unpalatable truth that your mother has done something crazy instead!!!  If you think she's jealous, she is - in some convoluted way probably yet to reveal itself!!!

Are you sure you're not my younger sister - your mother sounds just like mine.  Don't get too attached to the earrings tho - if she's like mine, she'll be asking for them back one day when you least expect it.  "Well, you never really wanted them, did you dear."  

She gave me nothing of my father's to keep when he died, then she took back jewellery she'd given me as a gift - which was at least a link to him.  I understand her need to keep things close to her.  But she even lopped down a tree as I said I wanted a cutting of it in remembrance!   She has no conscious awareness, I know.  That's what makes it so hard.  If she'd only have a stand up fight, I could at least feel sane!!!  

I'm just revving up for a great big aaaagh as something said here has reminded me and sparked off a rage of such proportion!  The pink pussycat has just turned into the Incredible Hulk!!  Hurt me?  Well, OK I'm used to it.  Try to hurt my son and I'll get in the way and stop you.  But she did something mean to my H.  My H has no contact with her so perhaps this was a subsconscious bit of revenge.  She sent my son an Easter card - signed from his one and only grandma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I suppose it is true as his other grandmother is dead.  Neither my son nor I ever had a chance to meet her.  And that makes it all the worse.  How truly typical of an N!!!  If I ever doubted it, mother, you have finally proved it in writing.     I was going to hide it from my H then realised he'd already seen it.  He knows her well and found it amusingly typical, was not affected.  Well, he must have been a bit cos otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to comment or had to smile.  Really painful.  I'm ashamed of her.  

Buttons well and truly twitched!
R

[Michelle]

I never got an apology, though.  And it was assumed I agreed with her and didn't want her interfering in my life (being there to support me).

Wildflower- I am so sorry that you experienced those awful childhood nightmares too.  At least as adults we can fill our lives with other things to make us happy, even though it is sad to not really have a functioning parent.  It just breaks my heart to think of my childhood.  I can see we shared very similar experiences....I feel sad for your lost childhood.  

I don't know your mom, but this reads like she's already ramping up to manipulate your child.  It sounds like your child may not be safe around her when she's older...just wanted to put that out there.  Not sure if it makes sense or applied.

You are very right about that!  She is foaming at the mouth to get her claws around my children.  Don't worry though - it won't happen.  Even if my husband and I died together we have our wills already completed regarding who our children go to AND even went as far as to make an addendum saying "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES" should they go to my mother.  I know it sounds heartless, but I would rather them go to an orphanage.  That is how strongly I feel about it.  At least they would have a fighting chance of turning out allright.

Thank you for posting.  I always look forward to your insight.

~~Michelle

[Michelle]

Caroline -

What do you do about the gifts your mother sends for your daughter?

 

I keep the ones she's interested in and give the majority to goodwill.  She always "asks" what we want for holidays.  We live far apart, so I always just recommend a gift card or cash so the kids can get what they want.  That never works though.  My daughter wanted a specific toy one time and my mom asked what she wanted.  I told her what it was and she didn't like it herself, so she went out and bought her a bunch of other junk instead.  When I got it in the mail I NICELY asked her not to send any more toys for awhile as it was a HUGE box filled with various toys.  She proceeded to tell me "I will buy whatever I want them to have.  If you don't like that, there's not much you can do about it."  I went out the next day and took almost all of the toys to the local goodwill.  She asked me later about toys specifically and I told her I took them to Goodwill.  She was sooooooooooo furious.  I thought she deserved it though.  I do have a mean streak when she pushes me too far!

In some ways, it is easier that my mother doesn't call, but I know she thinks that it's my duty as the daughter to keep in touch.

 

My counselor told me something once that has stuck like glue in my brain.  "You are the child, she is the mother - no exceptions."  It is such a simple thing to say, but when you think about the "roles and responsibilities" of mother and child, it was euphoric to me!!!!!  Also, at a bible study once, someone said "We were not given to our children for them to care for us or meet our needs.  They were given to us for those reasons.  If you are looking to your child to meet your needs, you are damaging their self-concept."  WOW!!!!!  It still shocks me to read that.  It is not your DUTY to keep in touch.  Don't be fooled by that lie!  I have lived with it far too long.

 

She hated my independence.  She views it as my rejecting her.  She wants me to need her in every aspect of my life.

 


Thank you for saying that - I really needed to hear it!  I have always wondered why my mother hated my independence.  You just shed some light on the subject.  

Sometimes I also get the wierd feeling that she's jealous of me.... but then I think I'm going crazy. ....

My aunt said the same thing the other day and I still can't quite get my brain around it?  Why would they be jealous of us?  If they don't really "comprehend" things like we do, I don't get it.  

Please do not feel alone anymore.  I am so glad you are here and sharing with all of us.  We care about you and your well being.

~~Michelle

[Wildflower]

Hi Michelle,

Feelings of desertion, lonliness, inferiority, confusion, responsibility. Whoa - I'm not sure where that last one came from

Responsibility to take care your yourself and everything and your mom at the same time?  That’s why “responsibility” is on my list anyway…

I don't know your mom, but this reads like she's already ramping up to manipulate your child. It sounds like your child may not be safe around her when she's older...just wanted to put that out there. Not sure if it makes sense or applied.

You are very right about that! She is foaming at the mouth to get her claws around my children. Don't worry though - it won't happen. Even if my husband and I died together we have our wills already completed regarding who our children go to AND even went as far as to make an addendum saying "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES" should they go to my mother. I know it sounds heartless, but I would rather them go to an orphanage. That is how strongly I feel about it. At least they would have a fighting chance of turning out allright.

GO MICHELLE!!! No, not heartless at all.  And what your therapist said about explaining why they didn’t know your mother as opposed to undoing the damage (AND explaining why you let it happen in the first place) – is so dead-on.  Wishing you all the strength to stick to your guns.

Hi Caroline,

Well, she bought me these expensive diamond earrings. I thanked her, but I tried to tell her that I would have preferred to have her love and support instead. She became livid and accused me of being ungrateful because she spent so much time and money on them and she doesn't have a lot of money, but everything she has, she gives to me and my sister, blah blah blah. She buys me things that I don't even want or need and then uses it against me. I'm also supposed to reciprocate and buy her lavish gifts, which sickens me.

This sounds so much like my grandmother (raging, hands-down, no-questions N).  I used to dread going shopping with her because she would take me to some shop she liked (Talbots…for a heavy 16-year-old?) and then point out things she liked.  If I picked out something I liked, she’d start grimacing and acting hurt, so okay, I get what she wants me to get (a bulky sweater that makes me look chunky with gold buttons...I hate gold, I hate flashy buttons), and I put on my wow I'm just so happy face.  And Grandmom's happy.  Until the checkout counter.  “Do you really like this sweater?  It’s expensive, but if you reeeeally want it, I suppose I can make ends meet for a little while.”  She had money, so it clearly wasn’t about that.  It was about her taking me shopping at a store she liked to get clothes she wanted me to wear – and all the while I had to be soooo thrilled that all these nice things were being done for me.  Even had to beg for the “nice things” in the end.  Oh, and I forgot…in the car ride home?  Doubt.  “Are you sure you like it, because we can take it back…”  UGH. (DRIVE FASTER DAMMIT)

So what I have to say to your mom is this: If you couldn’t afford it, then why’d ya buy it for me???  Did I go around saying “please oh please buy me some diamond earrings” (if you did, I hope you had the back of your hand to your forehead in that most over-the-top dramatic way).

Hi R,

But she even lopped down a tree as I said I wanted a cutting of it in remembrance! She has no conscious awareness, I know. That's what makes it so hard. If she'd only have a stand up fight, I could at least feel sane!!!

I remember reading this the first time and being so floored, and I’m floored again, but this time I’m thinking of CG’s gift-wrap package – because of all the effort she must have gone through to have that tree chopped down.  And still not realize what she was doing???

And bunny, you’re so right about putting it aside sometimes.  I finally made it back to my belly dance class today and it was so great.  Feel like my life is coming back together…only a little more healthy this time.

Hugs to everyone,
Wildflower

[Caroline]

Oh Caroline - if there's one thing I've learnt (and not very well!) it's that if you feel you're going crazy you most definitely aren't.  

R- Thanks for the vote of sanity!!

Don't get too attached to the earrings tho - if she's like mine, she'll be asking for them back one day when you least expect it.  "Well, you never really wanted them, did you dear."  

 
I can't even bring myself to wear them, much less get attached to them.  My H thinks I should sell them (and all the other jewelry she's given me) on eBay!


I'm really curious about the relationship (or lack therof) between your H and Nmother.  My mother has never accepted my H or the fact that he and my girl are now the priorities in my life instead of her.  She thinks it's my responsibility to make sure my H kisses her @ss and I would never do that, even if I could.[/quote]