Author Topic: Mother's Day??  (Read 5561 times)

Singer

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Mother's Day??
« Reply #15 on: May 02, 2004, 09:10:19 PM »
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I know it must be coming to terms with this stuff (I'm struggling on that end, too), but I have to say, this had me so steamed.   :evil: I'm so glad for you that you were able through her games and not lose faith in your dad.  What a low blow. :evil:


I couldn't imagine later what she hoped to achieve by such an accusation. I believe now that it's part of the N's desire to pit family members against each other. My sister ends every phone call to me with a caution against letting NMother know we've talked.  Also my brother had requested a military salute for our father at his graveside and this rankled my NMother, his time in the military having been just prior to and therefore outside of her realm of influence. Sick and sickening.

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Even though I was inferior, sluggish and somewhat ridiculous.

I hope you don't believe this about yourself (I know how these thoughts can seep in).  If you do, think about the person who gave you those ideas - and kick 'em out the door.


How do you overcome a lifetime of waiting to be told what you think? I've read that some N's are not very verbally skilled, but this wasn't so in my NMother's case. She verbalizes without pause and usually without need for any input or feedback.

Funny story... not long after she and my father married she had been talking to a girlfriend on the phone one night while my father was attending night classes at college. After a while she noticed that her friend hadn't said anything for quite some time, so she asked: "Are you there?" No answer. "ARE YOU THERE?" still no answer. (I can't count how many times she's demanded "ARE YOU THERE?" forty minutes into a "conversation" with me.) Anyway, my father walked in at that point and my mother told him they must IMMEDIATELY drive to her friend's house because something TERRIBLE must have happened to her. My father complied even though he was becoming aware of NMother's love of drama and must have been tired after a day of work and a night of school. When they arrived, the curtains at the front window were open and they could plainly see the friend sound asleep on the floor with the phone receiver beside her where it had fallen. My mother tells this story to point out how sensitive she had been to the needs of her friend. :shock: I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Oh well.  No, I don't have much self-esteem, but I have become better at seeing what's what. Maybe that's the reward...learning to try to understand and not perpetuate the cycle.

Singer

Singer

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Re: Mother's Day??
« Reply #16 on: May 02, 2004, 09:26:51 PM »
Quote from: Caroline
Hi Singer,
Welcome to the group!  I'm new too and have found it soooo helpful to hear everyone's story and to share my own.  ...

Unfortunately, I don't think Ns get better with age.  This depresses me because my mom is only 55!

-Caroline


Thanks, Caroline.  Mother's Day is weighing heavily on my mind. I'll be spending the day with my own daughter, but I can't believe how much time and energy I have wasted trying to justify to myself not making an attempt to see my NMother. She doesn't want to see me or my daughter, just wants us to make the attempt. Over and over again.

 I am much like your sister in that I believed we had a relationship of some kind until the rages became more frequent and less logical. And there's always the fear of behaving like an NMom myself. That REALLY scares me.

Singer

Michelle

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Re: Mother's Day??
« Reply #17 on: May 02, 2004, 11:07:10 PM »
Hi Caroline -

This has also been a thorn in my side.....my first "official" Mother's Day at war with my mother.  On one hand I feel sad, but on the other I feel LIBERATED!  I have not talked to her in two weeks (tomorrow) and I have never been so stress-free in my life.  It is so obvious that some friends of mine (who don't even know about my mom) have commented on my "obvious lack of stress".  WOW!!!!!

Also, to make myself feel a little better about the whole situation, I think about how my mother treats ME as the mother of her grandchildren.  She has never respected, acknowledged, or commented positively on my abilities as a mother.  As you know, your mother's support in your own parenting journey would be much appreciated and needed.  Since she can't even give me that, I figure why should I bow down to her and kiss her plump rump like I have always done?  Not gonna happen anymore.  This is the new Michelle and I like her alot better than the old one!

I will send a card and have already decided just to get a "general" one.  NOt one of those mushy ones that she LOVES, but doesn't deserve.  No gift this year and definitely nothing from the children, not even a card.  PO'd is an understatement of how she will react - I am already anticipating, but am way past caring.  I am planning on not speaking to her verbally until I get the kind of message (either phone or email) that relays to me a small bit of remorse and willingness to work on our relationship.  I know that will not happen anytime soon - possibly never - and figure that it will be a cold day in h*ll before I hear that.  I am willing to take that chance.  She has hurt me and my family long enough.  As my counselor says, "You can't help someone who won't help themself" and "If I don't put my family (H and kids and myself) first, who will?  Definitely not my mother.

Don't feel bad.  Hold your head up high and KNOW you are making great decisions for YOUR family.  Your mother does not care about you or them in the way that she should.  As much as I know this hurts, you have us here to care about you, heal with you and root for YOU and your well being.  This has to get better for us, it can't get much worse!

Celebrating YOU on Mother's Day,

Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Michelle

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Re: Mother's Day??
« Reply #18 on: May 02, 2004, 11:20:57 PM »
Welcome Singer - we are glad you are here and using your voice!

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Until now I had no idea what was wrong, even bizarre, in my relationship with my mother. It has been like hundreds of light bulbs going off in my head as I read so many posts that described, almost word for word, experiences that are so similar to what I've experienced.


I can relate to you on this one - I always thought my family was "normal" growing up.  Boy, was I wrong and boy was it a shock to figure that out!  I just started posting here as well recently and can agree to that "hundred of light bulbs" theory!!

You have an element that I don't have though - your mother is older than mine, she is only 47 this year.  I know that must be a huge element of guilt for you and am so sorry.  I'm not sure how I would react to the situation in that case, probably much like you have.  It still does not allow or justify her actions though.  I think keeping as much emotional distance from her as you can is absolutely necessary.

Just know that we are so happy to have you here.  Use these new resources that you have - we are happy to be here to help you out in your growth and healing!

Take care of yourself,

Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Wildflower

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Mother's Day??
« Reply #19 on: May 02, 2004, 11:36:47 PM »
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Funny story... not long after she and my father married she had been talking to a girlfriend on the phone one night while my father was attending night classes at college. After a while she noticed that her friend hadn't said anything for quite some time, so she asked: "Are you there?" No answer. "ARE YOU THERE?" still no answer. (I can't count how many times she's demanded "ARE YOU THERE?" forty minutes into a "conversation" with me.) Anyway, my father walked in at that point and my mother told him they must IMMEDIATELY drive to her friend's house because something TERRIBLE must have happened to her. My father complied even though he was becoming aware of NMother's love of drama and must have been tired after a day of work and a night of school. When they arrived, the curtains at the front window were open and they could plainly see the friend sound asleep on the floor with the phone receiver beside her where it had fallen. My mother tells this story to point out how sensitive she had been to the needs of her friend.  I don't know whether to laugh or cry.


Thanks for sharing that, Singer.  Really made me laugh.  I've also got a mother with a one-way phone, as does Portia.  We were talking about setting them up on the same line, but I don't see why we can't set up a conference call :lol:  :lol: Definitely laugh at that one.

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How do you overcome a lifetime of waiting to be told what you think? I've read that some N's are not very verbally skilled, but this wasn't so in my NMother's case. She verbalizes without pause and usually without need for any input or feedback.


It's tough, to tell the truth, but you don't have to do it all at once.  Just talk with folks here, and I bet so many of those yucky internal voices will start falling away.  And so you know, my parents were both highly skilled in the verbal department :roll: .  Very hard to see through - especially when getting a lecture.

Hang in there,
Wildflower
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

Wildflower

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Mother's Day??
« Reply #20 on: May 02, 2004, 11:40:22 PM »
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This is the new Michelle and I like her alot better than the old one!


WAHOOOOO!!!  :D :D :D

Wildflower
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

Wildflower

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Mother's Day??
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2004, 11:50:58 PM »
Hi Caroline,

Yeah, I figured it was about the pregnancy, but yuck.  How awful to have to hear criticisms like that when you're pregnant.  Even after reading and remembering all the stories and reading all the literature, it still boggles my mind how they can be so insensitive and weird about someone else, um, having needs.

I'm glad you and your sister are becoming closer though.  It's really good to have someone to compare notes with and can help sort out so much confusion.  Not to mention the bright part about gaining a sister.  :D

Take care,
Wildflower
If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are
-- Cat Stevens, from the movie Harold and Maude

SY1T

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Mother's Day??
« Reply #22 on: May 03, 2004, 03:26:33 PM »
This is my first post. . . but I just had to write about Mother's Day.  My sister & I are struggling with what to do for this.  We've decided to just send flowers, as when she starts counting up cards and gifts, flowers seem to be the most important count.

At this point, my dad is in a nursing home and in no great hurry to get out.  Mom has decided she needs to move (they were told this several years ago), but decided to insulted about being told what to do.  Now that dad is somewhere else, we get phone calls (that last for hours).  If we don't get the phone calls, then she will call other friends and family and speak against us.

Also, she has said, she wouldn't be in this mess if we lived nearby.  In one breath she tells us she can handle things by herself, and in the next breath she asks for advice.  Any advice given is taken as being bossy.  A friend once told me to consider, when on the phone, to act as if you're a trash can.  She doesn't want any advice, all she wants to do is dump on you - so - don't put any effort into giving the advice, once you've given it once.

My sister & I have started timing the amount of time before we utter one word on the phone with my mom.  My personal length of time that's gone by before saying "uh - huh" has been 25 minutes.  My sister's has been 20 minutes.  

For awhile dad used email.  Mom never used it - and dad was the one filter that was in place to keep email away from her that might upset her.  Now however, that filter is gone.  For years we have asked her to quit speaking against us.  We told her it would be nice to be able to trust our own mother.  She apologized and said she always does the wrong thing.  Unfortunately, somehow the computer got infected with a virus.  For about 3 days, every email she sent out, my sister & I were copied.  We found out what we being written about us, not only to family, but to financial advisors.

This Mother's Day is a little more complicated, as their 50th anniversary is coming up.  She doesn't want anything, and yet if we don't do something, we will hear about it for the next 5 years.  So we've decided to fly out, camp in a National Park, and go and come as we want (but take them out to dinner for their anniversary).

So the struggle right now is to do what is right for both my Dad and Mom and to deal with all the guilty feelings.

Anonymous

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Mother's Day??
« Reply #23 on: May 03, 2004, 06:48:48 PM »
Hi SY1T,

And as one newcomer to another, Welcome. I still can't get over how much of what you said sounds just like what I've experienced. Or more precisely, how similar the behavior of NMothers can be. It's quite a relief in a way, not to feel like such a Lone Ranger anymore.

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So the struggle right now is to do what is right for both my Dad and Mom and to deal with all the guilty feelings.


I've spent quite a bit of time trying to do what I thought was right for my mother. And for my father while he was alive. I now truly think that my efforts were not only wasted, but might have been counter productive. Here I was with grown daughters and still wanting Mom to say I was a good girl. It wasn't gonna happen. But, the point is I HAD to try. If I had walked away from them earlier I think the guilt would have destroyed me in many ways.  So even though I sustained quite a bit of damage, it's all been part of the process of healing. Now I CAN turn away when I need to, although it still makes me sad. I know I gave it my best shot. And if my best shot wasn't good enough, well so be it. At least I tried.

My point is, that you've gotta do what you've gotta do and only you will know when you've done all that you can.


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She doesn't want anything, and yet if we don't do something, we will hear about it for the next 5 years.


Very likely you will hear about it anyway. My brother took my mother and father on a vacation once and to this day my mother takes great pleasure in recounting in painstaking detail everything that was not to her liking. And the whole trip was not to her liking. It ended with my father becoming ill with chest pains and my mother demanding to be taken to the airport in the middle of the night.  Poor Dad often got chest pains when Mom was being a pain in the a**.    :)  

Singer

Singer

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Re: Mother's Day??
« Reply #24 on: May 03, 2004, 07:07:55 PM »
Quote from: Michelle
I will send a card and have already decided just to get a "general" one.  NOt one of those mushy ones that she LOVES, but doesn't deserve.  


Michelle,

Sad, but funny. I have to make sure I have time to hit two or three stores when shopping for cards so that I can find one that doesn't contain the words "loving" or "caring", or worst of all ...what an INSPIRATION you've been to me."  :roll:  

I wish they'd put in a "Mother - from emotionally abused offspring" section. Sure would save time.

Singer

SYIT

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Mother's Day??
« Reply #25 on: May 03, 2004, 07:13:59 PM »
Singer - thank you so much for sharing.  It's nice to know we're not the only ones in this.
SYIT

Michelle

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Re: Mother's Day??
« Reply #26 on: May 03, 2004, 10:05:27 PM »
Singer - I am rolling on the floor laughing my butt off!

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I wish they'd put in a "Mother - from emotionally abused offspring" section. Sure would save time.


I'm actually surprised Hallmark doesn't carry this one yet.  They have cards from dogs to their owners, and lots more crazy ones.  I will keep my eyes open and when I see "our" cards on the shelves I'll let you know.   :lol:

You are a hoot!

~~Michelle
Healing one day at a time.....

Singer

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Re: Mother's Day??
« Reply #27 on: May 04, 2004, 11:36:24 AM »
Actually I've got a bad habit of making light of serious subjects. Displays of emotion were labeled childish and ridiculous when I was growing up. Better flippant than ridiculous was my theory. Of course one also runs the risk of being thought of as insincere. I'm still learning that one the hard way, unfortunately  :(


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I will keep my eyes open and when I see "our" cards on the shelves I'll let you know.


I think there either must be a whole lot of people buying our cards, or only a very few.  Be interesting to know which... :?:

Singer