Hi Singer and welcome!
Since my father passed away 3 years ago, my mothers behavior has escalated. All the controls are off and where she used to be able to mask her anger and self absorbtion, she no longer seems to have that ability, except among strangers.
"you didn't react the way I expected you to (her words). I don't know why you don't think he'd be capable of stealing from me. You certainly would."
Ouch...and oh boy
. I just took a peek in on my way out the door and read this and I just had to reply. This is my grandmother. She’s on her “death bed” right now and one of the last things I heard from her was how everyone had forsaken her – even God. What had she done??? Rrrrg. Well, I won’t go into that long laundry list, but the bit about deteriorating really struck me, too.
My step-grandfather (good man, love him dearly, really my grandfather so I’ll continue to call him that here) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago – just when my grandmother was starting to pull out ALL of the attention-getting stops. My grandfather hadn’t developed any signs yet, he just had the marker – and his older brother had died earlier that year (the reason he went in for testing). My grandfather was grieving over the loss of his brother and (being a psychiatrist) terrified and depressed about his inevitable decline into Alzheimer’s. What does my grandmother do? Support him? Nope. She gets competitive with him.
Starts pretending she’s more forgetful than he is (he hadn’t developed signs yet!) and she would call me telling me how hard it was to live with him because (in a hissed whisper) "he was so damn forgetful". Arrrgh.
Well, the last time I saw my grandmother, my grandfather was a complete wreck (he had always been a solid quiet stoic man before). I went into my grandmother’s bedroom to chat with her, and she pulled the most pitiful act she could muster (couldn’t even hold the tube of Ben-Gay). I got irritated with her and left the room to console my grandfather who was sobbing at this point because she was going to die (it's been YEARS since, mind you). The next day, I went back in her room, and there she was. Fully dressed, sitting upright on the edge of the bed, wanting to chat like school girls. And then (in front of my grandfather) she actually got up and sprightly walked around the room to turn on all the lamps. This from a woman who could barely lift her head the day before. She really would do anything for attention – so much so that she could no longer keep her story straight.
For people from functional families, they may assume that she was putting on a strong face for me, but for months after this incident, my grandmother had “emergencies” at a predictable time (4AM) that involved my uncle getting up, leaving his family, and driving her to the ER (never mind that she had a full-time nurse duty). One night, exhausted and frustrated, he finally told her to call 911 – and the emergencies stopped (not without a bit of screaming, though). It's gut wrenching to leave someone who appears so sick and in need, but in my book, she’s cried wolf a few too many times – and never once apologized or considered the needs of her family.
Whew, sorry. My point (other than venting along with you
) is that they probably will get worse – my grandmother used to be the epitome of Charming Southern Belle and it was so difficult to see through her games. Now, though, they’re obvious. Which is good for my mom and her brothers in the sense that they can finally see how crazy she is – without the veneer of control.
My other point? Vent away. That’s what this board can be really good for (along with getting supportive feedback).
Good luck and you're so not alone,
Wildflower
