I am an animal

[Ami]

At 14, I became numb.  I was simply, "not there". I was not "real".
  After 6 months on the board, I have reclaimed parts of myself .The other day, I felt another layer come back in. It was the "instinctual" layer.
  The book , The Gift of Fear" ,discusses our animal nature. When we are in contact with it, it keeps us safe. It warns us of danger--- physical or emotional.     It helps us to assess situations. It helps us to attune to our surroundings.
   I pushed mine down so far that I could only get glimpses of it. How could I truly feel my feelings when I had an NPD mother raging at me? I had to become numb in order to survive.I stayed numb even though my M is far away..
    My son(younger) told me a story that illustrates" the level "that I am talking about. He went to visit my H's brother and wife. My S is doing  well in school and is pre- med. His uncle kept telling him that he was the most successful cousin and how well that he was  doing. My S told me that all the time that his uncle was "praising" him, he knew that his uncle "hated' that he was doing better than his daughter. All the smiles and praise hit my son as painful b/c it was not real.    This is the sense that I am talking about . My M   stole my trust in myself.  I  discounted my feelings. I  discounted  my value. I discounted my core . Everything was FOR her--- ONLY HER--- the voracious NPD.
   My blood, guts, pride , well being and health were all sacrificed so she would not have a glimpse of discomfort.
  Now, part of me simply "clicked" in. I will be eternally grateful to Dr. Grossman who so generously gave us this board and to everyone who "saved my life                                Love  Ami

   

[Ami]

I can see why this topic may be a little "off putting".Maybe it is one of those topics that people don't like to talk about. Maybe, people are not connected to it. However, the more I re claim this part of myself, the more I believe that I CAN navigate in this world. My deep instinctual sense was a big part of what she stole. I see that now ,as it is kicking back in.
When you are abused, Maybe this is always(or most times) what you lose.
 i remember times when I was whole ,in my life. They were b/c this instinctual sense went AGAINST what N things she told me.For example, she told me that people would not like me if the house did not look good. I could sense and feel that people liked me b/c I was a warm person. So, inside me,as long as I could KEEP this instinctual  sense, I was "immune" to her N poisoning.It was my internal compass. I could see beyond her brainwashing to the truth.-- the real truth.   Maybe, making a child throw this part of himself away is what is called "breaking the spirit".  However, I feel that a new "sense"opened up for me (or reopened) . I don't feel so lost
  It is like I have found the "bread crumbs" that Hansel and Gretel spread as they went to the witches house.                                                                            Love    Ami

[JanetLG]

Ami,

I'd agree that if you lose touch with your instinctive side, then it is your spirit that is broken. I think that's how I felt after I'd lived with my abusive boyfriend for several years. Common sense told me it was not just stupid, but dangerous, to continue living with him. But he (obviously), my NMum (more strangely) and society itself (by not giving me alternatives) gave me the message that I had to put up with it. This is such a twisted message to keep on receiving, and it DOES go against very, very basic instincts. It screws you up, so that in the end, all you can do is retreat, and go into a kind of hibernation, waiting for things to be safer, because you can't trust your senses any more.


Janet

[Stormchild]

(((((Ami)))))

(((((Janet)))))

The whole purpose of emotional abuse is to make you doubt your own judgement, make you stop trusting in your own reasoning ability, make you reject your gut reactions.

When we're immobilized, when we can't even look to our own selves for help, we're much easier to prey upon.

(((((((((())))))))))

[changing]

Hi Ami!

I'm so glad that you are getting in touch with your animal side- I know that you adore your doggie, and he can certainly teach us all about enjoying life every day, as well as the important things in life- love, sincerity, joy, freedom, simplicity! Have a fun day! I'll bet the N's back off now that they can sense that you are a tiger!

Love,

Changing

[towrite]

Ami, your story is so familiar. I pushed down my real self so far and beginning at such an early age that it took many years of therapy to peel back the layers and get bac in touch with my inner child. Actually, I'm not so sure I was ever in touch with it - after all, I was alone with my NM and father for 4 years, except for my grandfather. I attribute my survival to him and my grandmother b/c they didn't censor or criticize or repress.

I went to a party with my NM last night - the first time of being with her since the whole rotten mtn. visit. It is strange how I can see her differently since that week - I feel no obligation to her, no pressure to be something she wants, and I watched her interactions at the party (she rarely talks to me at one of these things). She talked at length with my 1st cousin (which happens frequently at a shindig), my cousin being a nice but shallow woman with money whose favorite topics are small talk, some gossip, and not much else. I just watched and noticed - thinking that I am not a fence-sitter, but a strong personality, and that trait is not well liked by many people. (Is that just my hometown or is that universally true?) Anyway, NM's line "If you do anything to embarrass me, I will write you out of my will" kept running thru my head. I think that unknown agenda of hers, the SBD rules which remain vague and under her control were part of what controlled and suppressed my real self growing up. Nothing like having a M who has rules she never cares to share with you til you make a mistake. Kind of like an assassin ... quiet, sneaky, and ready to attack.

towrite

[Ami]

Thank you--Authentic, Janet, Storm, towrite and Changing,
  I appreciate all your responses.   Towrite--- I have missed you
  This "birth" (or rebirth) of my instinctual side seems to be a very ,big door that has opened for me. All of a sudden , my perception seems to be  keener..I see with my heart. I see people's faces, expressions ,and hear their voices and I "know" what is under the "words-- just like I used to when I was 14.
  I was so "smart" about life when I was 14. I 'knew" so many realities of life that I lost when I had to take on my Mother's perception. Maybe, I did not HAVE to take it on. However, I did .. That was the crime in all of this. I trusted her and threw myself away--
   Then, I was then prey for all the "birds" who wanted to devour me. I was "food" for the abusers.
                                                                                                  Ami
   
 
 

[Ami]

Dear Em,
  It is so cute. When I post on a deep topic that many people ignore--- I always hear your sweet kind voice. THANK YOU so much. I am glad that you are experiencing this level. It is a deep healing. Unless you have been here, you probably would not be able to appreciate it.
                                                                                 Love to you     Ami

[axa]

Storm,

Spot on......... that is what it is all about.  Thankfully I am learning to listen to my insticts, lots of scary people out there

Towrite,

Don't think it is just you.  I think lots of people do not like women especially with a strong personality.

axa

[Ami]

This phase of healing-- getting my instincts back-- is huge. Everyone that responded gave me the support that I needed to trust myself more.
   I am reading some "inner child" books. The inner child is the instinctual level that was there before we even knew how to talk. It is the feeling sense. it receives information. It does not discern if it is good or bad. It just "feels" it.
 I see that my mother had an assault on this part of me. When I felt any emotion( even good ones,I think), she ATTACKED me. I was viciously ' beaten down" like an enemy in war.
  I see now that any strong emotion such as joy, excitement, happiness, sadness, fear, anger ,sorrow--- ALL of them--- had to be pushed away. I was the villain for having feelings. I was bad.
 I see it all with the instinctive side of myself. I could not see it before.
  I ,also, see so many other things that I could not face(or even see).
  I see the 'animal" parts of myself and of other people. I will write more later ,as I formulate my thoughts.  Thanks again for responding. This is a pivotal phase for me                        Love     Ami

[Ami]

I see that what my mother robed me of ,primarily, was my connection to my instincts.I gave up my visceral trust in myself. I gave up the deep inner belief that I could assess situations, correctly.
 Then,as a result of this, I gave up my  power.
  I see that your power has to be inside you. It is like Dorothy's slippers. She could go home any time , if she had the slippers. I could not "go home" b/c I lost the "slippers"( my instincts) and then ,my power.
   Now, I can feel a new dimension to life.
  I see how I got screwed up. I see how my life made no sense. I gave away my insides and my vital power. I can't give it away to anyone--- anyone                                                   
     Ami