Feeling a little raw

[finding peace]

Hi folks,

Just wanted to say I am taking a break from posting for a while. 

Posting my story was more difficult than I thought it would be and brought back a lot of memories. 

Also wanted to thank all of you for your willingness to share, it has helped me immensely.

You are in my prayers.

Take care,
Peace

[Certain Hope]

Dear Peace,

Sometimes it feels like old shames get regenerated, reconstituted... through remembering and retelling. I'm sorry that this has caused you such pain and I'll miss you.

Praying, with love,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Peace,
   I respect any decision that you make. I just wanted to say that you are experiencing a "normal' feeling after sharing so deeply. We feel exposed, raw, vulnerable and maybe just want to "go away".
  I just want to say that I hope that you are not "shamed" b/c you shared. It is a common reaction.     We take on the shame that was THEIRS. We take on the shame and guilt.I felt exactly the same way after I posted .
. You are a shining light to others.
  I just want to say that if you are feeling 'embarrassed " or ashamed for sharing your story,it is an inappropriate(misplaced) feeling.   All the shame is on HIM.If I am not right in my analysis, forgive me. Just know that you are very,very appreciated for your willingness to share. You are only HONORED here,Peace.    Love   Ami


   
 

[JanetLG]

Peace,

I felt similarly to how you feel, after I posted. Very vulnerable, very tearful, and kind of 'oops, what have I done?'

Which was strange, really, because there's nothing in 'my story' that I haven't posted here before, it's just putting it all together, chronologically, for the first time, hit me harder than I thought it would.

I'm sorry if you feel like that, too. It's not your shame,as Ami says. You've come such a long way. I'm always glad to read any of your posts. You are a real inspiration to me.


Janet

[isittoolate]

For me, I would have been very uncomfortable when all was still fresh.

After 5 years it's almost like it never happened and I've moved my disgust on down to my ex son-in-law, and the feel the feelings for my daughter. (as much as I can feel feelings--as you all know they are in my head and trying to get out)

Taking a break is a good idea if one is not comfortable.

I take 2-3-4 day breaks (and no one missses mew WhWaaaaaaaaaaaaa) when I have nothing to say--am out out of the loop, whatever.

take care
Izzy

[attachment deleted by admin]

[Hopalong]

Peace to you during your break, Peace.

I will be very happy to hear you when you come back.

Thank you for giving so much.

with love,
Hops

[finding peace]

Hi Folks,

For those who responded here and on the Our Stories thread, I wanted to thank you.  It means the world to me. 

I am really struggling.  I am in turns enraged and in turn in tears.  I always tell myself never to post from a point of strong emotion as it doesn’t do any good, but for once in my life I am not holding back.

I just read a post where a couple of people are suggesting to another poster what this place is about and to bring up a certain subject is not what this place was for. 

I have recently seen a couple of posters take swipes at each other – one of which was quite cruel, reminded me in some ways of my FOO. 

Seven people talk of the horror and pain they experienced in their lives.  100’s of people read them (and I know that many, many of those were people who post here.)  Authentic starts a thread to talk about our stories – and how many out of those who did not post a story respond?  Two people.

Here, in this place, I have seen people take really cruel swipes at another, bully each other, tell one another what we can and can’t post, but when it comes to simple validation, or a simple I hear you when one talks about really deep pain or horrific experiences – that doesn’t happen very often does it?  I wonder why?

I guess the answer doesn’t really matter.  I am finding this place to be much like the real world, and maybe that is a good thing.  For me there never has been a haven, and I am coming to the conclusion that there never will be a haven will there? No real haven except what I can provide for myself?

I learned a long time ago not to have any expectations of others.  I guess I forgot. 

For all of those who have helped me, I thank you.  I am starting to feel that this is probably not the right place for me.  I think maybe there is no right place for me.

I wish you all the best.  I do care, most likely too much. 

Finding Rage and Pain Today

[on edit:  I wrote this post a couple of week ago when I was in a really bad way - I have since apologized - no one here deserved these harsh words.  So many here helped me through this period. I can't thank them enough.  If anyone missed the apology, here is the link: http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=5551.msg88452#msg88452 ]

[cats paw]

Finding Peace,

  I just want to say I think you are brave for posting about your rage and pain.  

  I can only answer for myself, but sometimes I feel that anything I might add would be superfluous to what the other posters have replied in some of the posts.

  As far as the stories, I do not feel I even have the right to comment sometimes because, how dare I.  I'm sorry that my lack has inadvertently hurt you.


cats paw

[JanetLG]

Peace,

Please take whatever time you need, but please also come back when you can. I love reading your posts.

As to sharing your story...I think there is a part in all of us (because of what we've been through) that makes us think 'MY story isn't interesting enough/bad enough/on topic enough' or whatever. But other people can see that we were hurting, and that we deserve to be heard now. Perhaps we ourselves are not the right people to be assessing our own stories, because we're too close to them.

And some people are too much in denial to face their own hurt, never mind face other people's. They're just not ready yet.

Others are quite likely to find them too traumatic, at first, to comment on. I did that, when I read yours, even though I already knew bits of your story from your other posts. When the new 'Stories' section has been around for a while, I think peole may feel able to comment on them in a different way.

Please come back when you're ready, Peace.


Janet

[Certain Hope]

Dear Finding Peace,

I feel that you're very brave to not hold back here in this post about your pain and rage and I'm so sorry that your suffering continues.

In the past, I've found some measure of relief in being able to verbalize some of my own feelings like this toward the board, but then,
afterward, I'd feel so disconnected from the board as a group, that I no longer knew how to seek comfort and found myself left with no desire to share further.... so I understand that part.
Suddenly it was as though I was back in my own original family, the odd one out, with no hope of finding a way to fit.
Maybe you're feeling something similar... I can't be sure, really... just wanted to offer my own support and encouragement to you
at this most difficult time. I wish you so much the very best and want you to know that whatever you choose to share here will be a blessing to me personally, and to many others, I believe.

What cats paw and besee have said is how I feel... about commenting on the personal stories which have been shared on the new board,
There's a sense of "how dare I?" 
I am so sorry if my own lack of response contributed to your suffering. I just felt that any comment from me would be shallow and trite.

And there's something else, too... I don't have a "story" yet, so I pretty much stand in awe of those who do and are able to share it honestly.
For me, I'm just now beginning to understand who I am and how I got to where I was.
Because I'm sure that there are others like me, I'm able to stay here and keep trying.
I'm also sure there are others here like you, Peace... and just because we're each at a different juncture of healing doesn't mean
that we can't continue to learn from each other, support and encourage each other.

Much love to you,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Peace,
  I am going to be really honest with you b/c you are at a pivotal time in your life(IMO).
  I have gone through many ups and downs on the board. I have wonderful friends and support people. I ,also, have people who are threatened by me. I simply want to heal. It SHOULD not be threatening to anyone ,but it is..
   Someone, very wise ,told me that there was a difference between a support group and a recovery group. A support group is when people simply "buttress" up people. I don't need or want that. There are many people on the board who want that. That is where they are and where they want to stay.they want other people to just tell them that "they are great"..
   There are others who want to heal, deeply. They are going very deeply within to try to reclaim what was STOLEN
   I am fighting to reclaim my life. It is not a JOKE to me.It is not something that I take as "cute" or take lightly.. Dr Grossman threw us a life preserver. I  am taking it.I don't care who shames me and people do--- I am here and they can't get rid of me.That is the attitude we need. It is a survival attitude.
  You need to summon ALL the strength that is in you and force yourself to come back(IMO).You have to feel,"I am WORTH it" I am not going to let some gossipy girls on the playground push me away. It is that simple.
  . Many people will not FACE deep issues.
   It is like that here AND in real life.
  We have a few people here who will. We NEED you, Peace. You are valuable. We would not be the same without your voice.
   When I first came on, some people tried to shame me and push me off... You and Janet were two of the main voices who kept me going.We talked about 'real" things like N parents.We helped each other to begin to heal. Many people did not want us even to mention the N mother. That was too controversial for them. They wanted "nice-nice"   I want to pull you back up now the way that you pulled me back up
   This board is like life. We can't escape shallow people. We can't escape gossipy,nasty people. We need to find our own voice which is  STRONG enough to cope. That is your goal(IMO).What would you do if your D's were bullied on the playground? You would fight. .
  Your D's need you to heal,Peace..
  I will call you. I will give you my number.                                                                                                                 .Please come back and write everything that has gone on --from your heart. There are other people who went through what you did who need your voice . People need you ,Peace                                      Love Ami
   

[Ami]

Dear Peace
  I wanted to add something. It sounds like you are in a shame spiral. It is EASY to get in to. I, often, get there when I post deep  things.
  Shame just comes out and tells you that you are worthless, an embarrassment,no one likes you, you are humiliated, you are a fool,people are laughing at you, people would be better off without you etc,etc.
  I think that this happened b/c you were so real .
  You felt so exposed . You interpreted people's "not responding" as not caring. It was their own inability to be "real" -- not that you are WRONG.
  I have many threads that I PRAY that someone will respond. Sometimes, only a few people will touch the subject, but I feel better for just having been real.
   We have ALL gone through the shame spiral. You are not alone.
  The "shame " is lying to you, though.                                    Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Finding Peace,

I just want you to know that I was not carefully ignoring anything you said. The simple fact is, I didn't feel that it was any of my business to comment on other peoples' posts, attitudes, assumptions, etc. Personally, I get the feeling that engaging in disputes like that is to take a tiger by the tail... and there are enough tigers in my world. In general, it's important to me to allow other people to settle their own scores and to choose my own battles wisely. To insert myself into other peoples' affairs - in the face-to-face world and here on the internet - would be inappropriate, patronizing, and... well... just plain bossy, imo.

That said, there's something I see happening here which I would like to address, because I believe it's the repetition of an old pattern, and I'd just like to offer you my 2 cents on it.

I think your situation... your raw feelings... are at risk of being capitalized upon by some here who would like to set up a false dichotomy within this group. I've been watching it for some time here and it goes something like this:  "we're the genuine people who are deep feelers and they're the shallow bunch, the baddies, who lie to themselves and are determined to prevent you from healing."

I don't know why it seems so important to some people to make others out to be the bad guys, but I can only guess that they don't know any other way than to be fighting against someone, somewhere, at all times.

The truth is that nobody here has the power to prevent you from healing, Peace, and I do not believe for an instant that the people who've had an opportunity to get to know you a bit here have anything but your very best interests at heart. I hope and pray that you will not be caught up in someone else's battle through this. There is so much free floating shame in this place that it'd be easy to transfer it to those who do not respond as we think they should, or to those who don't respond at all. But I believe that the healthiest place to deposit that shame is squarely back in the laps of the people who so wounded you, me, and the rest of us here in the first place. They're not here. We're not them. That's all I wanted to say.

Much love to you,
Hope

[teartracks]

Dear Finding Peace,

I read your story very soon after you wrote it.  I appreciated your warning that it might trigger some.  It is a heart wrenching story.  My solar plexus ached as I read it.  It made me feel like I had been punched in my gut.  I know it took a lot for you to see those words and painful memories of what happened to you pass right before your eyes on your computer screen.  I want you to know that there is not one micro part of me that is indifferent  to children who've experienced parental abuse.   There is not one part of me that is indifferent to your pain.  Do you know why?  It is because I have felt a similar pain so deep that I thought it would literally kill me.  

I hope you will continue to read and post on VESMB.   You have a powerful story and I believe many will be comforted by it because it will resonate with them.  I think you are a brave woman.  

Sincerely,

tt

[sally]

Dear Finding Peace,

I just read your story and it is amazing.  It reads like a screen play of, unfortunately, a horror movie.  You are a great writer, I visualized all your descriptions.

I’m so sorry you endured the torture.  Your parents sound like they had the type of evil that Scott Peck talks about in People of the Lie. 

You are an amazing person: so loving and having compassion for your parents even after enduring their torture.  Wow.  I’m speechless.

I’m very touched and moved by your story.  Your story shows the depths of your heart and soul.

Even if your therapist was the best in the world, it is your own essence, your own spiritual raw material which has brought you through.

I hope you flourish in happiness.

Thank you for sharing your story.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((FP))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love, Sally