I owe all of you an apology.

[finding peace]

I clearly see the hypocrisy in what I wrote.  Here I am criticizing others for what and who they post to and demanding that they post to others.  I by no means have responded to everyone’s post here, and for me to demand that in return is simply ludicrous.  I am sorry.

I fully realize that there are many here who are hurt and are at different levels of dealing with the traumas they have suffered.  I was wrong to point to the swiping, bullying, and cruelty I have seen (very rarely) here. 

Before this weekend, when I saw this, I would remind myself that when this occurs, it says more about the person who posted it than whatever the content of the post.    And usually, what it says to me is that they are hurting.  (Just as what I posted said more about me than anything else.)  I just took a big swipe at the people on this board – and not one of you deserve it.  That mirror is a lot hard to look in sometimes isn’t it? 

I got a lot caught up in myself for a bit, and am very sorry.   

I posted my story with the intention of helping others.  I did not realize that after doing this, I would be so hugely triggered.  Part of the pathology of being abused, at least for me, is feeling that I am ignored, feeling like I am negated, deemed less than, and an overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong.  I lived with this all of my life.  It is hard to put into words – but because of what was done to me, I have always felt separate with no hope of ever joining in. 

When few responded to my story or the stories of other people – I felt all of those old feelings come crashing back.   This was compounded by lack of sleep this weekend.  After posting, the nightmares came crashing back.  I have also been struggling with panic attacks, I actually felt an internal child screaming, screaming, screaming:  “You told, you told, you told, he is going to kill you now.”  Shocked me a bit – I mean, he has been dead for 2 years.    how can he kill me now?  I don’t have much patience with this part of myself – but it is what it is I suppose.   I guess I locked away another part of myself and that part woke up with a vengeance after “I told.”

I can’t thank you all enough for the support and kindness you have shown me in the midst of my craziness this weekend – you have shown me more support in the past 24 hours than I ever got as a child – and you know the really unbelievable part (and very new to me and one of the truly beautiful things about this board) there are no strings attached are there?  Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for posting and helping me through this mess.

I am very, very sorry if I hurt anyone or caused distress in any way. 

Now I am really taking a break for a bit.

Much Closer to Finding Peace Again Today

P.S.  I ask for total honesty in the following – I lived it, so sometimes it is hard for me to understand that it is too hard to hear/read.  Do you think it helpful for me to keep my story there for others, or should I remove it?  Is it too much?  The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone else. (((((treartracks – thank you so much for reaching out and I may be reading too far between the lines, but I am so sorry if what I posted hurt you in any way.))))   

(((Authentic – you too - one of my great worries when I posted is that I might trigger you – I am so sorry if I did – I know the pain of what you went through – so please let me know if you think it better that I delete that post.))))

[changing]

Hi Peace-

Don't worry or think about any imagined transgressions (although I do it as well, maybe we all do)- we all have bigger fish to fry than judging each other! You have a blessed day.

Hugs,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Peace,
  Your inner child is screaming  to you about the trauma she felt. .
   When( and it takes a long time) we can bond the inner child with our adult part-- we can get whole. That is my journey ,now.
   My opinion is that your story SHOULD STAY. Your reaction is your "inner child" screaming. Your story has value for people. People who would get triggered will be triggered by many things -- T.V.,radio,news.etc,etc. You cannot control their triggers
  You have to tell your truth. There is NOTHING for YOU to be ashamed of.You are taking on your parent's shame( as Janet said to me)
  I will really,really miss you. It won't be the same for me without you here. However  long  that you need to stay away, I hope that it will not be forever.                  Love   Ami

[Mati]

Peace

 

Part of the pathology of being abused, at least for me, is feeling that I am ignored, feeling like I am negated, deemed less than, and an overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong.  I lived with this all of my life.  It is hard to put into words – but because of what was done to me, I have always felt separate with no hope of ever joining in.

This is exactly how I have felt due to childhood sexual abuse and if I open up about my history, unfortunately, it is filled with so much trauma that the usual muted response triggers my shame again. It makes me feel dirty and unacceptable. I greatly appreciate you telling your story here, it has helped me enormously. I feel one with you Peace. Don't feel any more shame. You do not deserve to.

Mati
xxx

[Certain Hope]

Dear Peace,

From my heart, I thank you for being such a wonderful example to me, personally.
What you've written here has affected my own outlook in so many ways... I'll never forget.

I don't know anyone who doesn't get caught up in herself at times,
but you've shown me that it's not necessary to remain stuck there...
...or to run away from the feelings which develop in that place of absorption.
A lifetime of abuse, neglect, and painful abandonments becomes a black hole with an almost irresistable pull.
You risked releasing your honest emotions here with so much grace... and I thought, yes! This is the place for that!  I feel like that's why we're here... after all, where else will we find people who know what it's like to be without voice? And your voice is so lovely, Peace.,, it doesn't become tarnished by relating unpleasant truths... honestly, I feel so blessed that you shared your feelings here, and so very liberated! by your returning to post again as you have.

Because of your willingness to be genuine and because of your strength to speak the truth, I now understand some of my own feelings of disconnectedness and loneliness... and those of my oldest daughter.
It's so difficult to watch the world go round with its petty squabbles and fusses, while you're in the midst of the struggles of a lifetime.
 And because you've shared your story here, I have greater hope for her, as she still bears much of her own burden of past molestation, often choosing to try to belong in all the wrong ways and places.
So I do hope that you'll choose to leave your story as posted... and I will also understand if you don't. Whatever you choose, mostly I hope that you will see yourself as strong and worthy and capable and connected as I see you... not diminished by the facts of your past, but increased by your ability and determination to walk through that past and out of it.
He didn't kill you and he never will.
You do belong.
No strings attached.
To me, you've cut the ties which bound you to the unspeakable and have only the best ahead. I hope that you'll share that with us, too... as well as all the bumps and curves along the way, when and if you choose.

Love and blessings to you,
Hope

[JanetLG]

Peace,

You have overcome so much. You really are an inspiration to me.

IMO, I think it would be valuable to leave your post there. Other people would get so much out of seeing that you had the nerve to publicly declare what happened to you. If they have been through anything similar to you, it would give them courage to stay on the forum. You would (hopefully) have the knowledge that you have been heard.

When I first posted my story on the other section, I was amazed by the emotional reaction I felt - I was in tears all weekend, but didn't feel able to say so here. Did you have the same kind of feeling, only worse? I can't quite explain it yet, but it was very deep. Posting my whole biography in one go is much more traumatic than I'd expected. When more people on here have done it, I think it will make the forum as a whole move to another level.


Janet

[teartracks]

Hi Finding Peace,

(((((treartracks – thank you so much for reaching out and I may be reading too far between the lines, but I am so sorry if what I posted hurt you in any way.)))) 

Those hugs felt so good!  They felt like hugs of 'I know how you feel'.  Dear one, I felt that burning hot gut feeling when I read your story.  I guess I'd describe it as sympathy pains spiked with anger for what you have endured and I did feel badly that you'd felt ignored.  One of the most valuable lessons I've learned here is exactly what you describe,    I fully realize that there are many here who are hurt and are at different levels of dealing with the traumas they have suffered.  I was wrong to point to the swiping, bullying, and cruelty I have seen (very rarely) here. 

Before this weekend, when I saw this, I would remind myself that when this occurs, it says more about the person who posted it than whatever the content of the post.    And usually, what it says to me is that they are hurting.  (Just as what I posted said more about me than anything else.)  I just took a big swipe at the people on this board – and not one of you deserve it.  That mirror is a lot hard to look in sometimes isn’t it?    I'm a lot less judgmental.  I've grown so much here.  Because the board has been so valuable to me on so many levels, sometimes I come off like the 'board house mother'. 

About leaving your 'story' up.  I vote yes.  But that is a vote from my side.  It must be your decision.  I will honor whatever you do.

Sincerely,

tt

[Iphi]

Dear Peace - I have been thinking of you so much and have not been able to post due to house guests/privacy, sick baby (ear infection) and general circumstances of this type. 

I think everyone who has posted their story is so courageous and beautiful and recognize how hard it can be to put their personal histories out 'there' into the internet void where there can be a delayed or no reaction.  Well each story moved my heart for the teller and I feel admiration and gratitude to each poster on the new board but also here too in general. 

I see so much determination and courage here all over the place, even where we also are up against our weaknesses, frailties and vulnerabilities.  I see a lot of very highly developed skills and integrity here all over the place too, even as I also see blind spots and triggers.  And every time it startles me to realize that I have developed some skills too, but also that I have plenty of blind spots and triggers.

Peace, I look forward to your posts always.  They are thoughtful, kind and clear.  Your integrity comes across in everything as well as bravery and heart.  Many times when I read your posts I experience a series of recognitions that I need time to process and feel out more thoroughly.  Unfortunately that means my responses are not immediate and sometimes things seem to move on and I never do respond.  For example, you posted last week about experiencing black rage and I have experienced that too!  It really made me go away and think more about that time and the context and what the experience was about.  In fact I'm still thinking about it.

I completely understand about having the strong reactions to posting and want you to know how much I appreciate your sharing and forthrightness and honor you for it.  I have experienced the same strong reactions though the specifics are different and to judge you like a stranger whose life so alien to me that I had no clue - would be goofy on my part. 

Also, I agree with Ami about the traumatized part of you that has surfaced as a result of posting 'telling.'  It breaks my heart.  That is the most traumatized, unloved, transgressed-against, made-unsafe part of you and deserves all the love and patience and safety and nurturing and cultivation in the world from you and everyone.  When I read your story I wished I could just step into that bathroom and spirit you off to safety somewhere else in the time/space continuum.  Please don't lash at that part of yourself or demand that she/you be quiet.

I can't promise to always post in future because it is hard to keep up and already I can't follow all the posts here, but I don't read or stay silent in a critical way, please know that.  well, actually I am extremely critical against your parents. !

((((Peace))))

[reallyME]

i'm still not sure why you are leaving.

[sally]

I know must sound like I'm coming from left field, but I spent a good part of the day trying to find the "stories" people were referring to.  I could not find these stories. 

My browser is bookmarked to this board, so for a while I had no idea what "stories" people were talking about.  Finally figured it out  Duh!!

Also, I don't read the board everyday and I don't often post.

I'm sorry, Finding Peace, if my inattention hurt you.  You've had a life time's worth of hurt already, may you have no more.

And, FP, I think you have nothing to apologize for.  I think you've done an incredibly brave and generous act in sharing your story and that for all you've suffered, you should have a life long "easy pass".

Love,sally

[Poppyseed]

Finding Peace,

Well, I have a lot of respect for your post.  Finding yourself needing to make corrections and having the humility to do so.  Something our N's never do, eh?

Personally, I have never been offended in any way by your posts.  It seems to me you have given so much strength!!

I am for keeping you around!!!

Hugs to you!

--Poppy