Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How do you know for sure?
Portia:
Seeker, thank you for saying that. Now I really don’t feel so alone! Seeker, you’re one of the ‘original members’ to me, one I look up to and for you to say that is…humbling for me, realising we really are all in this together. No-one ‘better’ than the others, nobody necessarily more advanced up the healing road…just all different, with different experiences, but with the fact that we were in some way abused, sadly, in common.
:idea: I have a problem with authority figures! Like you and Dr G – I think you know more than me and therefore I treat you both with distance….with a jokey disrespect…gonna try and stop that. Darn. (If I let the authority figures close to me, they’ll take advantage, like my step-dad won’t they?) :idea:
When I wonder if my mother really is an N, I think (sometimes, on a good day) does it matter? What matters is that I know for absolutely sure that I was an emotionally abused child – and need to get better. That's all I need to know for sure.
And hey what you guys think about what your therapists think about you …. I think the same about this board!!!!! Ha ha ha! Won’t post too much today, won’t take up too much room on the board ….don’t want people to get fed up with me…. And so on. When I get 4 posts at the top with my name on – I have to stop out of worry that I post too much! Ha ha ha. Shaking head. Hiya Learning, Singer and Caroline and Michelle from previous threads, I’m reading you all, ready to learn from everybody and anybody without exception! :D P
Learning:
----------------------------
seeker:
Hello again everyone,
Portia, you make me blush! I think you've definitely earned your own set of N board stripes.
Wildflower and Sjkravill: the little hairs on my arms stood on end when I read your replies. Wow. I know my reaction to therapy is in my own head and not something coming from the therapist. I'm glad I put it out there on the board and found out you feel something similar. S, you're right, it is a progression. I had felt this before but now I feel strong and aware enough to take a look at this reaction.
To Learning and everyone: I think labels help when looking for information and perhaps to containerize the whole big mess. Sjkravill, guest, and bunny are on target in getting us to focus on our reactions as well as to the actions of others. Because of the lack of empathy, Ns really don't know what the "unintended consequences" (reactions) are to their actions. Some don't really intend to hurt, they just need to control so they don't get hurt. This is yer garden-variety self-absorbed N. It's the really aggressive ones that do know what they are doing that are scary...I don't know if my NSIL is borderline or not, but the information I read about how to cope with it was enlightening and useful.
Lastly, the fact that Learning is asking "How do you know for sure?" is so poignantly ACON (a question of self-doubt and caring). Learning, if you can accept your parents behavior without harming yourself and it doesn't get in the way of your self-care, then more power to you. If they are eroding away at your soul and existence and are truly toxic, only you can know because it is how you feel that is part of the equation. The new knowledge for most ACONs is that their feelings do indeed count.
Thanks everybody. This has really helped me. Seeker
Singer:
--- Quote from: Learning ---
Dear Singer--
Thank you for your response!
--- Quote ---What brought it home to me was when my NMother turned on her "favorite" grandson.
--- End quote ---
I think I can relate to how you feel about that. Is her favorite grandson your son? This is a big fear of mine. My mother acts like she loves my daughters, especially the oldest one (because she is her first grandchild). I am so afraid that she will hurt my daughter. I have cut off visitations since January, but I don't know if I have the resolve to keep up with it. The flipside is that my daughter loves my mother. I am lost on how to handle the whole situation.
--- End quote ---
No, her favorite grandson was my sister's son. My mother spent a lot of time with him while he was growing up. Less time as he got older and my sister realized that NMother was pumping him for information to prove that Sis was a "Bad Mother" (thereby reinforcing her position as the One and True "Good Mother") Result: very confused and troubled adolescent boy who finally at the age of 28 is trying to put his life back together.
My own two daughters spent very little time alone with Grandma, not because I knew what the problem was, but because I knew something was just not right. Instinct maybe? Anyway it's ok that your daughter loves her grandmother. Mine loved their grandmother too, and accepted that they didn't need to stay over at grandma and grampa's too often because wouldn't it be more fun if we had them over to our house? :wink:
They are both in their twenties now and have seen enough of Grandma's escalating antics to form their own opinions. I'm sure they still love her, but it's tinged with the sadness that comes when you have to give up your illusions. Part of growing up.
Hang in there and stay sane!
Singer
sjkravill:
Hey Seeker and Wildflower,
You are both going to approach the issue of not feeling worthy with your therapists. Good for you! I don't think I am there yet. I am still too afraid that I might be accurate in my perception... Or that my saying so would cause the therapist to think "damn! she's worse off than I thought!... woe is me! ... I need another break! " Seriously, I don't have the courage for that conversation yet! I am giggling at my own rediculousness... Sometimes its either laugh or cry, you know?
Hey Portia, I worry that I am posting here too much too, even though I think it is a tool that we can each use as much as we need for healing. We are afterall being empowered to have a voice! I judge others much less than I judge myself. For what it's worth, I like hearing your voice. I appreciate your honesty. Maybe we could both try to worry less about it...
Hey Learning,
I understand wishing in some wierd sense that your parents were more obviously fitting under some kind of a lable. I sometimes wish that about my husband, because it would give my experience some kind of valididty or justification (ok, if we're being honest, so that I could get out more easily). But, I also thank God that he is not worse than he is. Part of me loves him, hopes for change and would never dream of "getting out." That, and I don't imagine intensified behavior would make the situation easier!
Anyway, I am glad we all have this place to have our voices! Thank you all, as always for your truth.
Peace, sjkravill
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