Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How do you know for sure?
bunny:
--- Quote from: Learning ---Mom has reported to me that she has gone to therapy. This was based on my encouragement because I do not feel safe leaving my children alone with her (neither does my husband and my sister has expressed similar concerns to her). According to her, she has seen 2 different therapists. The first one told her she was fine and that I was the problem. She actually told me that she stopped seeing this therapist because the therapist thought I was such an awful person. The second one told her that she has a "disassociative way of looking at the world" and that with a couple of short sessions, she can be retrained. Mom also made it a point to tell me that the only reason this therapist even met with her was because mom told her that her children won't let her be alone with her grandchildren.
--- End quote ---
Learning:
I would take your mother's reports with a truckload of salt. Her version of what happened with the therapists sounds ludicrous. (Except for the dissociative part, that seems accurate.) Your mother is extremely self-serving. Keep protecting your children from her.
bunny
Anonymous:
Hi Learning,
I must second what Bunny says about protecting your kids. When they are old enough to understand, you can explain the truth in simple terms why they never got to sleepover or whatever. (I did this re my NSIL) Your mother will only try to erode your relationship with your kids with her crazymaking. Be consistent and credible with your kids and you will be okay. Kids know who they can trust if you do that. Best, Seeker
PS What I said to my kids was "soandso had a hard life (true) and that makes her act in way that are unacceptable to me." I gave one or two examples and then they understood why we didn't see her anymore.
Learning:
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seeker:
Hi Learning,
All of this discussion is really intended to give you food for thought and not necessarily pinpoint any conclusions esp. about one's parents. Because you are beginning your journey of awareness, please don't try to rush in to any "right" arrangement or what have you. Your relationship with your mom continues to evolve over time and you have everyone's "permission" here to trust your instincts, not what anybody else says.
Once my therapist said jokingly that I had her "permission" to stop seeing my abusive SIL, it kind of jolted me awake! Wow, I was asking for permission, what's up with that?! My dilemma was needing to protect myself vs. still wanting to retain everyone's approval and opinion that I am a nice person. SIL heaped loads of social abuse on me as punishment for cutting her off. I worried that people would think I'm two-faced or a hypocrite. I would walk down the street telling myself, I am a good person. I know I am a good person. It was hard, but time was on my side. After the first wave of assaults, there was nothing left for her to do to me. I simply didn't respond.
I also know what you mean about mom being the sweet one. When we've obliterated our dads as jerks, how can we turn on the one that is left? I am struggling with this very issue. My mom has her soldiers to do her fighting for her, but she often sets the agenda, pushing for a particular outcome. It's hard to accept that moms can be responsible for at least some of our pain.
Hope this helps to shed a little light, Seeker
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Learning ---Oh my gosh. My immediate and actually ongoing emotional reaction is..."no not my mom, she has always been the sweet one. She loves me I know she does. I must have misquoted her, I must have lied about what really happened." I was so upset about this that I went back to her emails to make sure that I wrote about it correctly. And I must tell you (because I am so anal about details) that I did misquote her. She actually said that the second therapist wanted to meet with her a few times to teach her not to get upset (I had said to retrain her). Does that change your impression, bunny?
--- End quote ---
Learning, no, it doesn't change my impression that she has distorted what happened in her visits to therapists. For one thing, no therapist would have told her this. They don't offer to meet "a few times" to teach someone "not to get upset." That is simply not what a therapist does. So I think she is self-serving and probably not very honest with herself or with you. Don't feel bad about it, I know you're still in some denial about her. And I'm sure she has her good aspects. But not enough to entrust your children with her.
bunny
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