Coping with Triggers

[sun blue]

Hello all:

I wasn't going to post about this since it seems so trivial but I just can't help myself.  I've mentioned in other posts I have (in my belief) an NPD mom and sister.  My mom spends all her time and attention with my NPD sister (every weekend, holiday, vacation, daily phone calls, etc.).  Whenever she and my dad leave to spend time with her, I always get that feeling like the entire Bears team just kicked me in the gut. 

Today, it happened again.  It was just a little thing.  I was looking through the mail and saw a greeting card (by its thickness, I could tell it was one of those Hallmark musical cards).   It was from my sister to my parents.  She addressed it to "Mimi and Popi" with my parents real names below it.  She calls my parents by the names my niece calls them which irks me to begin with.  Shortly after my niece's birth, my NPD sister disowned my brother and his entire family because she wasn't selected as godmother.  When he sent her a baby picture, she ripped it up in pieces and mailed it back to him.  She hasn't seen either my niece or my brother for 11 years since my niece was born.  Yet, she speaks in a baby voice to my parents and consistently refers to them by these "grandparent" names. 

I know I shouldn't be bothered by these things any more but they also seem to trigger me.  I feel sad and lonely and heartbroken.  I'm instantly reminded that my parents want nothing to do with me but devote their lives to my NPD sister who has caused my brother and I so much pain.  Because I have to live with my parents right now because I'm unemployed, these incidents just seem like they are thrown in my face.  I also feel angry that I am the only one in the family who is bothered by my entire family situation.  As the "chosen child" NPD, my sister, of course gets everything she wants (the full attention of my parents).  Neither my NPD mom or co-dependent dad seem to miss having a relationship with either of their other two children.  My brother has his own family and focuses completely on them.  So, it's just me who is affected by this.

Does anyone else ever get these triggers?  Does the feeling ever go away?  I'm just so disgusted with myself.  I'm also angry because in my view my NPD sister has "won".  She's gotten everything she's wanted and effectively stolen my parents away from me, my brother and my niece (their only grandchild).  She's gotten everything and I've gotten nothing.

Just venting.  Sorry.

[sun blue]

THANK YOU, Auth!!!

You are very kind to respond.  Thank you for the response.  IT did make me feel better to her someone say they did not do right to me  No one has ever acknowledged that before.

Thank you again   Take special care.

[JanetLG]

Sun Blue,

Authentic is right - it might appear that your sister is 'luckier' than you, at the moment, but what she's given up is like giving up your soul. She's got to maintain a dreadful pretence, because if she doesn't...well, she'll get treated like you did. So, she's going to have to live her whole life as a lie. That's not very lucky, is it?

I have the same kind of 'family' situation as you (except I'm not living with them...UGH!!). My sister is the Golden Child, and I've had NC for 13 years, as it was just never going to work. It does get easier with time, though, but the grieving process is hard.

I do feel for you. You have every right to feel the way you do. It's incredibly unfair. It isn't trivial at all, so don't think you 'shouldn't' be posting about  this. You can post about anything at all that's bothering you. There are always people here who will listen.


Janet

[Hopalong]

Sunblue,
I'm sorry.
I never had a sister but if I had, I'd treasure her.

Nothng for it but to go out and build your own new family circle of chosen friends, who may grow as precious to you in time as a healthy mother and sister would have. You had an unlucky draw with them.

It's not your fault and you can't change it.

Your feelings of hurt and exclusion will fade as you see that you are hurt as long as you are attached and excluded as long as you yearn to get into the club. I think you're on the cusp of seeing how wispy is the thing you're trying to hold onto (a dream of daughterhood, of sisterhood), and the club was only a pile of wreckage bobbing in the harbor.

I'm lost in mangled metaphors but want to send sympathy. I can tell it has been hurting you so much.
Keep posting, we can hear you.

with love,
Hops

[sun blue]

Oh, thank you so much for your posts and for sharing your similarities.  It is comforting.

I was just wondering, though.  Since, I'm relatively new to this board, there have been a couple of acronyms I'm not yet familiar with.  Can anyone share with me what ND, FOO and NDE stand for?

Just wondering.

Thanks again!

[Ami]

Dear Sun,
FOO is family of origin. ND is narcissistic Daughter. I don't know the other.
  Sun, I can hear your pain. It HURTS so badly to be dismissed and rejected. We,as humans,were not built and meant to withstand such horrible treatment. It makes us sick inside.
  Hops seems to have come to the place that I WISH I was. She seems to have accepted that it is not her fault. It is THEY who are living lives of lies and distortions. We have been"caught" in the  spider web.
.It is totally unfair that we have had to endure this. We had to break or come close . We are trying to face 'horrible" truths. No one should have to have parents like this .
  I am just at the beginning of healing,as you are.
  The only way out (IME) is to keep facing the truth and sharing--- just as you are                Love  Ami

[bup]

  I just can't believe I just read this email.  We are living parallel lives.  My brother and father have NPD.
My mother is dead. My other brother tries to stay neutral, I am trying to grasp at straws for a reality check. I
have been in therapy since May.  I am now totally aware of npd and it has changed my perception completely.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD and Voicelessness.  I am coming to the point that I am indifferent with my brother. I am at peace with it.  He is incapable of viewing me as a human being with
feelings.  I am not quite there with my dad, because he is my only remaining parent.  I have to find a place between indifference and a functioning relationship.  So much more to talk about with you. 

[sun blue]

Bup:

Well, I certainly can identify.  Too bad all the NPDs in this world can't marry each other and refrain from procreating.  That way, the rest of us might have a chance

I do find it really incredible that you have been officially diagnosed with "voicelessness."  I can't even find a therapist who gives serious credence to an NPD diagnosis, let alone voicelessness.  It must be at least satisfying that a professional therapist recognizes the effects of your family's harmful behavior on you.  Lack of validation in my case is just so incredibly frustrating.  I would soooooo love it if my "healthy" brother would recognize that my family's behavior and my clinical depression and other issues and circumstances have a direct connection.  I give you real credit for being able to distance yourself from your brother.

Thanks for posting and sharing!

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Bup.

I have to find a place between indifference and a functioning relationship.

I'm sorry that both the men in your family, who should be your protectors and friends, are Ns. What a crushing disappointment.

Can you start and thread and share more of your story?

Hopalong