I do feel a little better today, despite the title. A little better, but I have that washed out, heavy feeling that seems to come with an episode of depression. And I was just thinking about stopping my therapy sessions too. So here's the sordid details.
Things have been going pretty well. I've got a reward system going with my son, although this past week didn't work out so well with that. So, we'll have to work at it a little harder this week. We haven't had too many matches of wits. The reward system has been working well. I've relied on rewards, rather than punishments as motivation. But M started getting sick this week, and so he's been uncooperative and unmotivated. Today he had to miss school. Because of his attitude, it's been added stress for me.
On top of that, I was having a garage sale this past weekend to make a little extra cash and get rid of some stuff. I had been gathering things for a couple of weeks, and was trying to get that organized. I was borrowing my mom's folding tables, and I thought everything was going to work out fine. Only, my mom decided she was going to come "help" me out. I was dreading her being there more than anything. I even considered curtailing some of the stuff I'd picked out to sell. Instead, I priced and got it all ready to go, and I didn't react when my mom showed up with more of M's baby toys to sell and started crying because they needed to go.
Friday night, I had a melt down and started crying because I was trying to get the garage sale stuff together, letting M watch TV while I worked, and then later on, I had to try to get him to pick his toys up, and he wouldn't do it. I was also trying to clean things up, make brownies, put away all the things I didn't want my mom to see, etc. I don't like having her in my house. It creates major stress for me. I started crying. M wanted to know why I was crying, and I said he wouldn't understand. He told me I should talk about it, that his friend N told him why she was upset and she felt better. I said it was an adult problem and he didn't need to worry about it. He persisted, so I just told him that I was upset about grandma coming and the house being a mess. With the perfect wisdom of a 10 year old he said, "Well it's your apartment, who cares what Grandma thinks." Hard to argue with that.
I got through the garage sale without killing my mom, without too many critical comments, but by the time everything was packed back up, I was exhausted. I just wanted her to leave so I could relax. M was playing in the living room so I took a nap, and I felt a little better when I woke up, although in the middle of my nap M started making a lot of noise and the phone started ringing. My mom, of course, to tell me she's had to sit in traffic for a long time.
Saturday evening went all right. Most of yesterday went all right. In fact, we didn't have any battles at all, until last night. When it was time to do homework. We even got the room cleaned up with minimal fuss. When I opened M's folder to get out his work, I discovered he'd forgotten about several pages of work. He fell apart, started crying and saying he wished he was dead, wished he'd never been born, etc. He said he was never going to get it done. I kept trying to encourage him to just get started, and then there wouldn't be so much, but all he could see was all the work. I told him to calm down and just look at it. I was sure he could get the work done if he'd just stop thinking of it as a mountain he couldn't climb. He started calming down, and I took the dog out to calm myself down because I was starting to feel very panicked, short of breath, and I was trying very, very hard not to yell.
When I came back, he was hiding under the bed. I told him the work wouldn't get done if he was hiding under the bed. He said he was going to get in trouble for not doing the work at all. I explained that his teacher gave grades for effort, and as long as he tried, he would get a grade. He started worrying about his report card and looking at things as a mountain he couldn't climb again. I finally told him if he would just start on the work, I would call his teacher and talk to her. That got him motivated enough to get started on it. I talked to the teacher, explained the situation, she gave him a reduction in homework and said I could call her anytime about homework. M only had to choose two of the four sheets to do. He chose the easiest ones, got most of the work done and asked for a short break. I had gone back to doing some house stuff while he was working, trying to calm down, because although I was managing to seem calm, I was anything but inside. I fixed supper, hung up some new decorations on our patio, for Halloween. Took the dog out to cut his nails, clipped on of them too short, so the dog was in pain, and that made me feel worse. I overcooked dinner. My the time I took it out of the oven I didn't feel like eating and made myself a dinner of a carrot, a green pepper and three chesse sticks. While I was eating my vegetables and dipping them in a new dressing I'd gotten, I realized this was the way I used to eat when I was upset. I didn't feel like eating so I just wouldn't. That scared me, because I don't want to go through that again.
The kitchen was a mess, but M had his homework done. I took the dog for another walk, but I was still feeling really low. I emailed my friend and told her that I felt like a bad parent because M had had this massive meltdown, and I didn't think I'd handled it well, especially when I told M if he didn't care about his work I couldn't either. I told her there were times I just didn't like my child very much, and I just wanted to be left alone. I really wanted a hug, but there was no one around. I wanted someone to tell me I'd handled the situation well. I took a shower and sat on the floor crying, half wishing I could find the guts to hurt myself or at the very least have someone hurt me. Then I was scared because I was having those thoughts. I started trying to rehearse the new tape I'd learned with my counselor, but I didn't quite believe that I was doing my best with what I had. I felt guilty because M was watching TV again, and I didn't think he should really be watching TV. I felt like a horrible mother because a. I'd let him have this massive breakdown. b. He was sick, and I made him work anyway, even though I didn't think he'd got to school today. C. I was worried that I was scarring him for life by making him take responsibility. D. I couldn't help thinking that he's going to end up be twenty-something and still camped out on my couch.
Worst of all, I just felt so alone. I couldn't call my parents, because i could hear my mom's voice saying, "Well, now you know what I"ve been putting up with. It's not as easy as you thought is it?"
I didn't want to call my brother either, because he tells me things, but then my SIL says something different, and I don't know how sincere he is.
My father is no help.
I havent' figured out how to have enough time to have a social life and do everything else, so I haven't made any new friends. I was feeling really, really down. I finally called my friend who lives in another state and talked to her. That helped enough that I wasn't crying and felt a little better.
I still feel shaky today, and I think M and I are going to sit down and talk tonight.
