Mother's Day - a day of dread and self loathing.

[Anonymous]

Anybody else dread Mother's day? Hate yourself for not being on good terms with your mother? Just wish that this stupid holiday would be erased from the calendar?

I really get upset with myself this time of year because of the failings of our mother / son relationship. I feel like I should give in and reconcile and quit being so stubborn. Is she really an N? Am I over-reacting? Was the psychiatrist correct in advising me to "stay away from her"  - to basically cut her off? Did I pull the wool over his eyes and he missed seeing something wrong in me? Don't I say "I" and "ME" a lot? Does that mean I'm narcissist and just don't know it?

 Why do I feel bad? Is it because I'm in reality an evil person and am blind to it? -  That I'm really the Narcissist in the family because I want a little sanity and peace? What went wrong? - I thought she used to be an ok mom - but I dealt with her. What changed? Why did it change? Will it ever get fixed? Do I want it to get fixed?

 Why do I feel like scum when I know her other children will be making me out to be some selfish and self-possessed deviant and telling her she was a "good" mother and that something is wrong with me. Perpetuating the myth that everything is hunky-dorey with her and that I should be the one to  come around - that Jesus needs to work me over and put me in my place. That this is all evil and it is coming from my side. Because the Bible says "honor your mother and father" and that I'm not following the Bible by honoring them and that I'm in the wrong.  (Nevermind that it also states that a man should leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife)   That I'm a Samson being led astray by some floozy Deliliah. (Even though me and this floozy have been inseparable for 19 years - they aren't getting it!) Oh the frustration. What words will they use to violate my character in my absence?

Will she cry because I'm not there? Will she wish for reconciliation?

Or will she cry because she's putting on her show to whip her family into raging frenzy. Will they attack the characters of my family, those close to me, and or myself again this year? How will they deliver their venom this year? By way of other people telling me I need to call them - because it's an emergency?   By coming over to my house? Will they go over to my in-laws' homes and harrass them because they are pretending "they don't know where I live!!" (I moved and didn't tell them - but they've gotten mail from me with my new address.)   What's in store this year? - I can hardly wait! Mother's day - oh How I love it!

Will I get threaten with physical violence because I was so mean to my mother? -  Because "I deserve a good ass-whipping."  Because "I'm rotten to the core and she should of had an abortion when she was expecting me?" or "that part of my brain ran down my father's leg when I was conceived which caused me to be defective in some way"?  What vile or disturbing thing will they say this year?

If they do show up or cause a ruckus, will my wife, the mother of my children be furious at me for "my family" ruining her Mother's day? Will it be ruined anyway because I'll probably be on edge, moody, stressed out or depressed?  Boy I can't wait for this day to get here!

If it is SILENT this year - what will that mean? That they've given up on waiting for me to change and have gone on without me? Does that mean I'm not worth the trouble? Does it mean that they finally got it - that I won't respond to violence and rage anymore??
 Will they turn the rage inward and start destroying each other in the family? Can I expect that  someone in my family be reaching out to me, a bloody pulp of their former self  in the future?

Will this day just come and go already!! I can't wait til it's over. Maybe I'll leave town. Get drunk. Pop some uppers (I'm too responsible, and have rarely drank and have NEVER done drugs but....I am beginning to understand why people do! I can sure empathize with them -  No judging from me!)

But wait. Next month is father's day. Geez! Enough with the guilt trip holidays. I hate them all.

July hurry up and get here soon!!!!!!

I'm still ranting. Will I ever get through, around, or over this pain, guilt, and frustration?? If I do, does that mean I'm a hardened heartless person -a psychopathic, sociopathic entity of sorts?

Do you guys have these  kinds of thoughts run through your head? Or do I have a very overactive inner voice that needs to be squashed?  
 
How annoying do you have to be, before you get kicked off of this board? I think I'm getting close. You guys are saints to continue to be able to respond kindly to all this dribble.

mrt

[Portia]

Hiya Mr T, good to see you back, where have you been?! I haven't even read your post properly yet but wanted to say hiya, I bet CG replies before me anyway   ... hey you're ok, you sound just like the rest of us, all that self-doubt and wondering if you're disordered? Exactly what we think when we're being normal everyday adult children of Ns... reading now...P

[Portia]

Don't I say "I" and "ME" a lot? Does that mean I'm narcissist and just don't know it?

Nope. Saying “you do this” is an N. Saying “I” and “me” is what this board is for – having your voice honey!

Is it because I'm in reality an evil person and am blind to it?

Nope. Coz I think that too! Feel bad because you were made to believe you were bad as a kid? Yeah, probably. What’s bad about you? Nothing I’ve seen.

I want a little sanity and peace

And you think you might be the N? Ha ha, stop it! That’s plain daft. They’re the last 2 things any N ‘wants’ and will actually try to attain (it’s what they really need, deep down, but it ain’t gonna happen, not for the real personality disorder).

Do I want it to get fixed?

I guess you’d like to stop beating yourself up so much? You can do that. You can change how you feel about it all. You can find a peace, a better place, in yourself!

Will she cry because I'm not there?

Only if she’s got an audience. Sorry! Typing as I read…you say this…They’re nasty, vile things they said to you, your parents, they don’t deserve anything. Nothing. You got some more nasties in there you want to vent about? Carry on, get ‘em out. It helps. It’s not ‘bad’ to say them, look at the words, they’re awful, they’re nothing to do with you – get ‘em out and kick them away from you. What things to say to a child.

How annoying do you have to be, before you get kicked off of this board? I think I'm getting close.

No-one gets kicked off, well, I don’t think so, I’ve not seen it happen yet. Dr G deletes taunting posts sometimes. And if anyone could get kicked off, hey, you’re not even thisclose !

Mother’s Day, what a pain. Do you send a card? Send a card. Then go out on a picnic for the day, or shopping, whatever. Leave town, I like that one. Be a life on your own – hey I can say that, but doing it?....more of a problem….Have a Mr T day all to yourself and your 'floozie' - great word, I bet she's great too!   P

[mrt]

Portia,
Hey sassy lady
I've been here... observing....just talked out I guess...until tonight.

You should of responded to my posting: " Do you need some cheese with all that whine?" - I'm feeling embarrassed about whining all over the place on here.
Too late now though.

Thanks for being a sweetie.

mrt

[Portia]

Mr T, have you seen what they say to you? It’s outrageous! When did they say this stuff? Recently, or ages ago? This:

Because "I'm rotten to the core and she should of had an abortion when she was expecting me?" or "that part of my brain ran down my father's leg when I was conceived which caused me to be defective in some way"?

- is not whining okay? That above is enough to drive some people over the edge. You’re okay Mr T, your parents are not.

Feeling embarrassed? Why? Don't you feel great about yourself that you’re able to get his sh*t out here? Let some weight off those shoulders!  Many men would ‘stuff’ it away and beat up their women/children/dogs instead. Look how many men are on this board – not many. That doesn’t mean the others out there are all super-heroes, it means there’s a lot of men out there who are still scared little boys inside (got to be, statistically), needing to let go of the masculinity ‘don’t cry’ crap but they’re trapped by bonkers social conditioning . It's sad. Whoops, here I go again, another soap-box!

Why d’ya feel embarrassed anyway?

Hey, me a sweetie? Want to come and (crude expression deleted, I’m not that brave!!). P

[Anonymous]

"that part of my brain ran down my father's leg when I was conceived which caused me to be defective in some way"?

This was actually stated after a mother's day a few years ago. The first one is implied from hearing them speak to me.

Yeah I know about the masculinity machismo bs. Fortunately for me my mother named me a gender neutral name and so through the years I learned through lots of teasing and fights, that I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I've got 'em between my legs and I'll say & do what I damn well feel like.

Sometimes I do want to beat up my dogs....but one's a terror - I mean a terrier and another one is a beagle - who is a major N!  

What the crude expression deleted? Now my curiosity is killing me.  

mrt

[Wildflower]

Will she cry because I'm not there?

Only if she’s got an audience. Sorry!

  Memories....all alone in the moooooonlight....

I don't want to take away from your thread, Mr T (glad to see you back, too And yes, you sound like such a normal ACON...hmmm...normal ACON...hmmm), but can I just dump...next to you?

Seriously.  Once, when I was in highschool I confronted my dad because he was having a tantrum.  I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along these lines "Some people don't want to hear your tantrums.  Can you go somewhere else if you're upset?"  (Okay, um, I was a teenager.  Just keep that in mind   ).  Get this.  He actually came out and said (using a tone to indicate my moron-hood), "I only scream and yell when someone else is here.  When I'm alone, I'm fine."

      Yeah.  You go Dad.  Be a real j*ck*ss around your loved ones and then be an angel when you're alone.  What???

{EDIT: Oh...and what was he upset about?  He'd either dropped some pan in the kitchen (he does all the cooking and it's often some elaborate French dish) or his Cuisinart wasn't working or there wasn't enough of the right kind of butter.  No, we weren't having a fight...just Dad making lots of noise and screaming and looking annoyed at us while my stepmom and I tried to read.}

Anyway...back to getting all these Mother's Day thoughts out.  I think it's great what you're doing, Mr T.  Gotta say these things sometimes in order to really understand them - to be able to step back and look at the crazy, nutty things your parents have told you and say back to them, Gosh.  Those are some crazy, nutty things they said to me.

(((hugs)))
Wildflower

[Anonymous]

mrt,

Your feelings are not uncommon at all. For people with N mothers, this "holiday" is nothing but torture. In your post, I see that you are in a state of incredible anxiety re: what may happen in various scenarios. For this reason, I implore you to get an appointment with a therapist ASAP -- before Mothers' Day if possible -- so he or she can help you through this critical period. It really helps.   P.S. don't see someone who says you don't have a problem. You do have a problem, it's called anxiety.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Bunny,
So that's what an anxiety attack feels like??

I had been on lexapro an antidepressant for a year now (for depression) I was feeling better and quit taking them. I guess I stopped too soon ; ) Took one this morning - feeling better already.


Anybody else doing the antidepressant bit? How do you get off of these things?

mrt

[Anonymous]

Anybody else doing the antidepressant bit? How do you get off of these things?

Don't do what I once did. I quit taking an antidepressant cold turkey and had terrible withdrawal symptoms. I learned my lesson. It has to be done under a doctor's supervision.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Yes, I did anti-depressants too.  I was taking Paxil for anxiety and depression.  It was a mixed blessing.

First, I am grateful, because I was having severe panic attacks at the thought of telling NH that I was leaving.  And, they were so disabling, (really, what can you actually accomplish when you are feeling like you are dying ten or more times a day?)

I never would have been able to leave unless I had been on the medication.  So, for that I really am grateful, because I have been gone for over a year now and am on the N recovery road.

Second, they do have a way of blunting your emotions.  This also has its pluses and minuses. Plus, because if you are constantly in the throes of an emotional crisis, you can't get anything done (see above - panic attacks.) Also depression is disabling. When you are weak, confused and paralyzed, you can't get up the strength to leave either.

The minus is you are not feeling your feelings and working through them.  Eventually this will catch up with you. You will HAVE to DO the emotional work sometime.  This delay can throw you off balance if you aren't ready for it.  Here I am all happy that I finally got OUT, life is looking good ..... and .... WHAM !!  Forewarned is forearmed.

Third, I found that although doctors are very willing to prescribe these, they often really do not know much about them.  I was not told about the withdrawal symptoms.  Like Bunny, the withdrawal was severely unpleasant and went on for months.  The withdrawal actually went on for longer than the time I was on the stuff !! And I did not quit cold turkey and I did it with supervision.  The doctor really just didn't know enough.

I think that it is just that our bodies react uniquely.  Some people have no withdrawal symptoms at all.  I had terrible dizziness and electric shocks shooting through my brain.  Even though the shocks don't really hurt, they are extremely disorienting.  I used to wait until 5:30 to drive home so I wouldn't be in traffic AND I took the back roads ! Had I not investigated this on my own, I would have thought that I was having a stroke or had a brain tumor.

So, do I regret going on them?  No.  I realize that if I had not, I would still be with NH and would be a basket case.  The meds allowed me to get past the symptoms so that I could act.  

But, you need to do your homework.  These meds are powerful and they are working on your BRAIN for crying out loud !!  There are many forums and articles on the web.  Educate yourself and anticipate that you might be one of the ones who gets all of the side effects.

Don't go off them until you are feeling secure and you have the time, energy and the wherewithal  to deal with real life and the rebound of your emotions. But, DO go off them !!  

When/if you read all the stuff on the web, you may be as horrified as I was to find how many people have been taking this stuff for many many years.  It's scary !!  And doctors may tell you that the reason you are having withdrawal just shows you how much you NEED this medication and will pop you right back on. And increase the dose to boot !!  From what I have read, it does not appear that they know anything about the long term effects of being on this stuff.  Remember, it's only been on the market for 20 years.

So, that's my story.  I don't regret it at all.  I just wish I had been more informed and then would have been more prepared.

Gingerpeach

[Anonymous]

Sorry mrt,

I wasn't completely paying attention to the question.... if you go to a search engine and put in "antidepressant withdrawal" or "lexapro withdrawal" you will find more information than you bargained for.

The main thing is to decrease the dosage in small increments and take a long time doing it.  Some people even get a liquid version toward the end because they can't break the pills up evenly when you're getting down to the very small quantities you need to do it properly.

Take a good read and then pay attention to what your body tells you.

Gingerpeach

[Ishana]

I cannot tell you how good it feels to know I am not the only person that used to HATE Mother's Day.  I hated it because of all of the horrible Mother's Days in my life from my N stepmother.  And because I miss my mother who passed away when I was 6 years old.  

What I have come to in my life is what others were saying here...figure out what YOU want to do and then do it.  Forget the "tradition" that says you have to do a certain thing on ANY holiday.  Do what feels right for you and your own family (if you have one.)  Personally, I do the obligatory Mother's Day card and thats it.  And I get the generic one that doesn't have a bunch of sentimental words that I don't mean anyway.  I mail it off a few days ahead.  Then I make my own plans and enjoy my day.  It works like magic.  I rarely dread Mother's Day anymore.  I take it on my terms.  I will do things that honor my biological mother and maybe other women in my life who have helped me along the way.  I have turned it into a day that has meaning for me.

Oh, and another thing.  As a mother myself, I don't make expectations of others in my family towards me.  I will discuss plans with my husband and kids, but if they're not into it, so be it.  I go ahead and follow through with whatever I decided to do.  Or what my family and I agreed on together.  That's it.  An invitation.  No expectations, no disappointments.  Just a great day.  

Ishana

[Anonymous]

Gingerpeach,
I had tried to quit cold turkey and I was getting exactly what you described here. It freaks me out when I get those shocks. It sooo weird. The dizziness is weird too because it's not coming from your inner ear but from the back of your head.

  I had terrible dizziness and electric shocks shooting through my brain.  Even though the shocks don't really hurt, they are extremely disorienting.  

 I had wanted to get off of them, the doctor that prescibed them up and moved away. I've tried to break those pills but they just crumble or split unevenly.

I guess I'll take yours and Bunny's  advice and go back to my new doctor and have him help me get off of them.

mrt

[Dawning]

Hi MrT.  The Mother's Day dread you feel is entirely justified based on what you've written.  That "floozy" sweetheart of a wife you have been with for 19 years is the Mother to celebrate, in my opinion.  She sounds so supportive.  

Talking about anti-depressants, a word of warning about those dratted things....don't ever, ever take them without a doctor's supervision.  I know that you can order them off the net these days but let me share this: I went to SE Asia several years ago where you can buy prozac over the counter.  I was depressed and travelling with someone.  We were sharing a room.  When he wanted to go to the strip shows on his last night there, I marched over to the drugstore and bought prozac.  How stupid.  Flame away!!  I bought them and took two at the same time.  Then, drank a beer and watched a movie.  6 hours later, my brain felt like it was expanding into some awful, awful place.  I told my roommate that I wanted to kill my father among other things.  I couldn't sleep.  The next day, I rented another hotel room and stayed inside all day writing myself out of this bad, bad place.  Journalling saved my life probably because, from what I have heard, taking them like that can kill you.  

Question: are they good for curing inerita?

MrT,   Don't fall into the trap of self-loathing.  You have support in your recovery.  Anyway, from what you have described, your mother is going to do what she does regardless of anything you do.  You are not responsible for her feelings, actions or words.

~D.