From One of the People Asking For a Safe Spot on the Board

[Overcomer]

Authentic-I care about you too.  You were correct when you said you were trying to get affirmation.  You cannot control the way people speak and you do not really know if it was cold and dismissive because you cannot hear her voice-only read her words.  Honey, when I ask my H to do something he is very defensive and snaps at me.  I have to remind him that I am not his mom who was a critical parent so he does not have to react to me as if I were.  Same to you dear Au, we are not the enemy here-we

[Overcomer]

Are your friends!

[Ami]

Dear Authentic,
  What Kelly said you  HAVE to receive----Many people care about you ,love you and are your friend.
 You are triggered right now by ALL the similarities to your FOO. When I had to have a C section,I was inconsolable. NO ONE could reach that dark place inside me that kept replaying my mother's abuse to me.I was a COMPLETE  embarrassment to my H who worked there. I could not help it .
 I could 'hide" it when I was in social situations BUT when certain situations came up--I became unglued.I became a gerbil on the wheel --going round and round in ORIGINAL pain,                                          You are back being abused again--in your mind. THIS is NOT the board.It is you as a little girl being RAPED
  Authentic-THERE ARE BULLIES here---BUT THIS iS FOO issues. It is not 'real" as you are seeing it.
  There are a few bullies here. Many people are just "doing their own things. You have a few people who love and care for you deeply. That is how it is for every single person on the board.
  Do you think that I was bullied as badly as you? Probably yes. However,I could "tolerate" it b/c it was NOT FOO stuff.
  You could probably go to the dentist or have a C section and not become  UNGLUED.
  There is no shame in the triggers. Maybe,BULLIES will SEE what stupid sniping does to people.Maybe , everyone can OWN their part and we can go on.
                                                           Love     Ami
 

[sea storm]

I went to a talk by a Tibetan Monk yesterday and his topic was anger. He believes that anger does damage to the angry person. It is very toxic to be angry and their is no benefit for anyone because it does nothing but harm. He went on to say that we should thank the angry person for the information but not take it in.  There is no reason to get angry. If someone is angry at you and you are triggered by this anger it is your responsibility to deal with it by :
Not focusing on the angry words and angry person and therefore holding on to the poison
Breathe deeply and focus on what you love
Breathe deeply and meditate immediately.

This may sound idiotic if you are nashing your teeth over some verbal attack but it sounds pretty good to me.  This is a technique used by priests and nuns who were tortured by the Chinese for years. Basically, it says to be careful not to give too much power to the angry person. Who knows why they are triggered by you and it probably has very little to do with you.

Hope that helps
Don't feel silenced. You can't please everyone. I like what you have to say.

Sea storm

[reallyME]

Remeber a long time back (someof you will), bean and RM were pretty heated in their arguments with one another. The got rhough it, dealt with it like adults, and are both very important and helpful members here. It happens

.

I do remember that and i can say i think Bean is awesome at this point.  I think what happened, was that she was triggering some things in me without intending to, and when she and I finally took break away from each other, we dealt with things in ourselves and were able to come back with good hearts toward each other.

I still say I'm extreeeeeeeeeeeemely proud of Miss Bean to the MAX!  I kind of feel like she helped heal a huge part of me from the past, that some other people were not able to stick around and work through with me.  She stuck with me somewhat covertly at first, but now, we are on good, amiable terms. Right Beansie?   If you want, maybe you could share your end of things too?  It's up to you though if you want to or not.  I respect ya and love ya either way.

Hugs to Bean

~reallyME

[Bella_French]

Dear Authentic, It didn't even cross my mind that you wrote that message. I consider you to be brave, and always striving to get things out in the open for discussion. Its really so refreshing. I get the sense that the person who wrote the message struggles with these things.

X Bella

[wonder ing]

He went on to say that we should thank the angry person for the information but not take it in.  There is no reason to get angry. If someone is angry at you and you are triggered by this anger it is your responsibility to deal with it by :
Not focusing on the angry words and angry person and therefore holding on to the poison
Breathe deeply and focus on what you love
Breathe deeply and meditate immediately.

This may sound idiotic if you are nashing your teeth over some verbal attack but it sounds pretty good to me.
Sea storm

Whatever happened to "Hate the sin, but love the sinner?"
Seems you all ganged up on the unfortunate person who sent that PM, instead of asking what had made them so terribly hurt as to strike out? I have seen enough religious talk
here, to expect better of this group.
wondering

[changing]

Hi Wondering-

Hope you are well. There are imperfect people here (especially me), as everywhere, and we are doing all we can to be supportive here.

I have never personally attacked whoever sent that "thing", but I continue to stand against that action and stand up for the innocent recipient. I also asked that the sender take the opportunity to apologize and make amends, which is what I would want if I did such a thing. The offer still stands.
I think that everyone would give them a chance if they did, especially the unbelievably gracious recipient.

Love,

Changing

[Gaining Strength]

Whatever happened to "Hate the sin, but love the sinner?"
Seems you all ganged up on the unfortunate person who sent that PM, instead of asking what had made them so terribly hurt as to strike out? I have seen enough religious talk
here, to expect better of this group.
wondering

You raise an interesting point Wondering - Why didn't we "wonder" what had made the PM author so terribly hurt as to send such an excoriating PM?  You expected better of this group.   

By definition what you expected was grace.  I find that grace is almost a superhuman act.  I long for grace but I no longer expect it.  I have learned from my experience with the frequently quoted  prayer attributed to St. Francis - the way to receive grace is to give grace.  I recall an incident in my life a few years ago when everything and everyone seemed against me, including the priest at my church.  I was (and am), quite frankly, appalled by his behavior.  I had made an error and he was going to make me pay for it.  I sat there thinking how I longed to receive grace and how a man in his position, in particular, should have the wherewithal to act accordingly.  Then suddenly I knew - in order to receive grace I would have to first give it.  I have not yet gotten where I would like to in regards to this individual - but I haven't given up either.

On a practical level - what you are suggesting is that people should simply stop and open their hearts to the person who penned these words -

[You are one of the most hurtful people on this board.
Take your tough selfish alcoholic stance and go somewhere
else. The most vulnerable people in the world come here...
not tough broads with brain damage like you.

These words constitute what is known as an ad hominem attack - an attack on a person.  This author is not disagreeing about a statement or a choice of words, this person is not stating that they were hurt and would like an apology and this person is not entering into a dialogue.  When such an attack is spewed forth there is no room for a reply and no room for consideration.  Really, with such an attack the best reaction is to simply step out of the line of attack.  I think on some extraordinary level it would be very magnanimous to "wonder" what had hurt the author enough to spew such an attack but nothing in this message allows room for that. - Gaining Strength