Finding Peace/Story

[gratitude28]

Dear Finding Peace,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Although I never encountered molestation, I can relate to the interpretation that everything bad that happened to you was YOUR fault. I am so sorry that was the childhood you endured. And I am so proud of you for being as wonderful and clear-headed as you are now. I am sure many will benefit from you sharing your story.
Love, Beth

[finding peace]

Hey Thank you so much Gratitude,

I think I wore a lot of people out with my angst over my story a couple of weeks ago. Almost pulled it, but decided to keep it there.

I am sorry you can relate to the feeling of it being all your fault.  For me, this was all twisted up with shame and compounded by having to always pretend everything was all right as a child.  IMO, it is the mind games that are the worst – because they are so insidious. 

When I posted my story it was so others out there would realize that they were not alone.  Little did I know it would bring me to my knees – literally!!  I had a complete meltdown – I had hidden all of that shame, blame, pain, rage so well, I wasn’t even aware of all of this under the surface.  It was a real eye opener  

Through a lot of help from wonderful people here, I was able to let that go, and let me tell you, it is as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying. 

Have you let go of the feeling that it is your fault? (No pressure to share, it just hurts me to think that any child that was abused carries that with them.  No person deserves to live with that - as a child or an adult. But, I think as very young children it is only natural to carry the blame rather than think of our parents as the real monsters in the closet.)

Thanks again!
Peace 

[gratitude28]

FP,
I think it was so brave of you and so important that you were able to leave your story. New people who went through what you experienced will see that a balanced and whole person was able to overcome this childhood. You were able to let it out, and Find Peace. I am sure some of those images will haunt you forever, but I hope you will find happiness since those were not your making or responsibility. You were never in the wrong.
Happily, when I realized that my mother had NPD, I was able to see that I was not a bad person - at last. I grea up thinking I was somehow warped and sick - and unlike others. Once I was able to see that she had instilled these ideas in me, I was able to let them go. I felt bad for things I hadn't even done!!!!! And I did things I wouldn't have done - because it was expected I would!! Sickness...
I can fully understand that pouring out those words must have been painful. To see it in black and white really solidifies the action... Our mind can skitter around bad ideas and make them seem not quite so bad. Paper doesn't allow them to rearrange themselves.
(((((((((((((((((((((Finding Peace)))))))))))))))))
Thank you.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Peace,
  As much as the 'melt down" is horribly painful, I believe  it is a melt down of the lies and distortions.I see the choice  as leaving the 'poison "inside" us or purging it out, The process of purging it is HORRIBLE. It is so deeply painful. However,it is the path to freedom.It is opening the infection and letting it drain.
Peace-you have been very very brave.I honor you for sharing your story. Take all the time and space that you need with your healing.
  the "blessing" of denial is that we won't see it until we can .                  Love Ami