Giving Away My Power

[pennyplant]

I learned something important this weekend and want to share with the board--especially Laura if she is still poking her head in.  I think it might be helpful with understanding what happened when she invited Jodi to post recently.

Last week I shared my "pregnant at 18" turning point and also asked for responses.  I received three wonderfully supportive responses that I knew would help me if only I could understand how to work with the suggestions or at least be open to the wisdom.

Then this weekend something happened to me that ended up being the method by which I could understand the wisdom.  It was how I came to understand that all my life I have Given Away My Power.  By Power I'm talking about that essence of ourselves that the Native Americans call Medicine, or that I think of as my soul--the place where God is at work in my life.  Power from within rather than power over.

For the last several months I have had a MySpace page and I have spent hours each day building it and also surfing around reading other people's pages.  Hundreds of them.  I thought of this as a way to understand other people and to try and build a self.  My blog and the other gadgets you can put on your page were my ways of exploring who I am becoming.  Reading other people's pages was my way of seeing what other people are like, or how they want to portray themselves at any rate.  I was constantly amazed at the stuff people would say or think of.  It is actually a pretty creative and artsy place and I am continually blown away by the beauty of some of this stuff.  The artistic part of it really drew me in.

At the same time I have every so often "googled" people important to me in order to try and understand why some of them had such an impact on me.  A lot of what comes up ends up being a kind of family tree and that is a hobby of mine that helps me to also understand what makes people tick.

A month or so ago I Googled my first emotional affair, which I have mentioned here before.  He was quite young and, as things developed, I ended up devastated when he was gone from my life and it took a couple of years for the pain to subside to something of a dull throb.  Then other things came along to distract me, but I always wondered about that episode and Googled him every so often.

This time I got something new.  He is a member of a band now.  They are popular in their area and recently released an independent CD.  Just knowing that was a major revelation.  I fell for an artist, a budding "rock star".  Oh, that explained so much.

So, I went to their MySpace and surfed their "friends" MySpaces and found his sister.  That was another surprise.  I knew he had a sister, but didn't know anything about her.  I went to her MySpace and visited all her links and learned some phenomenally interesting and helpful things.  About myself!

Well, I did not know that when you subscribe to someone's blog on MySpace, they can find you.  Never in a million years did I want any relative or friend of this person to know I was doing this!  It was for my own healing purposes and not to get any kind of response or connection.

She messaged me on Sunday!  When I saw that name in my in-box, I just about had a heart attack on the spot.  And I should have known, that if it were possible, she would do something like that.  She is like me in some ways, and it just makes sense now.  But when I saw that message I was stunned and basically went into panic mode.  And I Gave Away My Power.

As soon as I read the message, basically telling me she noticed I was reading her blog and she wondered what the connection was and I must be a great person since I had certain music on my profile..... my brain went into overdrive and I started typing a response even though my hands were shaking and my mind racing.  My thoughts?  Well, an honest question deserves an honest answer.... I also thought, Oh, my God, she caught me!!  I felt stupid and like I had been caught being bad.  I know what I was doing and why, but I still felt this incredible guilt and shame and need to DEFEND MY ACTIONS.  Man, I always do that!

I "confessed".  Not to an emotional affair with her brother, who is her hero.  But I acknowledged that he was the "connection".  I also said that I doubted he would be amused that I was talking to her like this.

You know, I would have told her my life story.  I would have spilled it.  I would have gave away my entire soul.  I don't know what stopped me from doing even more damage but I'm relieved that I only gave away a little bit this time.

All day after that I felt this painful ache that came from the same place as was triggered by the emotional affair six years ago, and from some other very painful episodes in my life.  It was not as severe as what happened after her brother blew through my life.  But I knew, just knew, it was coming from the same place.  It was the hold-your-head-in-your-hands-to-hide-your-face kind of shame and humiliation and pain.

All day I kept telling myself not to panic, not to over-react.  It took me quite awhile to realize I already had just by flying off the handle and answering her message at all.

I felt so vulnerable and raw.  I wanted to blame it on her, but I knew on some level it was my own fault.  I really felt so bad.  I wanted to run away or give up and just hide forever.  But it wasn't as bad as other times I had felt this way.  Not as bad as it could be.  Interesting.

She never responded, just like her brother when I wrote him a letter and Gave Away My Power to him all those years ago.  I thought I felt so badly because he never answered.  But it was because I had weakened myself by giving away all that power.  I know that now.

I felt so exposed that I wanted to delete my profile.  But my son contacts me that way so I couldn't.  I thought I would have to explain it to him.  Or Give Away My Power.

I went to bed that night and started to have trouble sleeping.  I wanted God to make me new again, as Hope suggested.  But I didn't understand how that could happen.  It occurred to me that I didn't have to know how. I could just be open to it and see what happened.  I laid there thinking about everything.  I just wanted to sleep.  I did pray to be open to renewal.  Then I got the idea that with every breath of air I take, I become new, with every beat of my heart that sends red blood through all my veins, I become new, with every moment that passes and each day that comes, I am new.  And those thoughts soothed me to sleep.

I woke up quite early and immediately felt bad again.  So, I got up and went to MySpace.  And I deleted all my blog posts.  Telling myself they were the old me and I was starting anew.  I changed all my settings to private so that only "friends" could read my profile.  I deleted anything that didn't feel like "me" any more.  There is still some good stuff left on it.

Surprisingly I felt better.  More protected for one thing.

And yesterday, when I went to work, I watched myself go about the day.  And I could finally see all the little tiny ways I Give Away My Power.  All the mannerisms, behaviors, over-doing-it-helpfulness, over-eagerness, the always-giving-the-benefit-of-the-doubt-ness that is me.  Has been me all my life.  Will not be me anymore. 

I finally saw it!!!!!

Every time I do one of those old things, or start to think that old way, I tell myself Don't Give Away Your Power!

This is so very long and it doesn't even touch the amount of insight this weekend gave me.  I have worked and worked for many months gathering info and studying and putting two and two together and never getting four.  It was so unorthodox the way I was doing this but I never doubted that it was the way I had to learn this.  Whatever it was I would be learning.

And because of what I learned and how it seems to echo what Laura has experienced and what happened on those threads, I feel that Laura gave away her power to Jodi.  I hope that she finds a way to break the spell or habit of doing this.  I don't know what her way will be.  But being open to seeing it is the first step.  Laura has deep belief in God so perhaps it will evolve in a way that Laura can understand, the way mine evolved, finally, in a way I could understand.

I hope this is helpful to anybody who needs the information.  I feel like I climbed ten steps up that spiral staircase.  All in one giant leap!   I know there is still more to learn.  But this is amazing to be able to understand the concept of giving away power from within.  I understand it in my bones now.

Love, Pennyplant

[Ami]

Dear Penny,
  That was HUGE. I so get it b/c it is Caroline Myss--- exactly. She says that you have to "call your power back from where you sent it". You would LOVE her works ,now.   I want to write more later ,after I get home.
  I think that you had a PIVOTAL,LIFE SHIFT. I think that you had a new birth,of sorts.
  I applaud you. I am so happy for you. That really helped me to hear about it.
  I think that you emptied out garbage from telling your story and you had ROOM for healing to come in. That is what is happening to me.                 Love Ami

[pennyplant]

Thank you Ami.  Yes, it is definitely connected with having shared an important part of my story.  Not only did I make room for healing but that story generated the exact messages I needed to hear and at the right time, too.  To be renewed.... that is exactly the thing I needed.  Have needed all my life.  All in order though, I suppose.  It is only six and a half years ago that I learned to be able to see how God works in my life.  This is a little more advanced, I think.  I never would have seen it or been open to it when I was younger and still in so much pain.  Still acting out of panic and habit.  Sometimes I just have to hit the wall in order to finally sit still and listen and receive.

I think now I will be ready to mother myself and to leave behind the old hurts.

I am amazed that only three days ago, I was hiding my face in my hands in despair.  Today I can share part of my story in hopes that it will help someone else, too.  This step has been a long time in coming.

I know I still have work to do.  But this is very, very good.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Pennyplant,

I hear every word... and I am so thankful with you, and for you.

Reading this post of yours has been another of those constant-nodding-in-agreement... as so many of your posts have been for me.

You speak things which I've only sensed, but as yet been unable to verbalize.

For me, it's like hearing my pastor teach the Bible... he doesn't tell me new things, he just reveals what I've long known... in my "knower".

I have done these things you've described, Penny... exactly... and felt the shame, the giving away... of my self. And I've written those knee-jerk, shame-based responses... and been devastated to get no reply. I never understood how someone could hear what I would share and not respond. Now I see... what they hear is the shame behind it all. For some, maybe they think that the kindest way to deal with it is to not reply. Others... well, they put their own spin onto it, I guess, and only want to heap on more shame.

I never saw that in "spilling it", I was giving away that inner power.
Years ago, some dear friends would tell me... you do not have to be THAT transparent, but I didn't get it... I thought that is what I had to do in order to be genuine. Good Lord... in a warped way I was still looking for someone else to confirm that I'm real... as though it wasn't good enough for me to know that within myself. I had no idea.

When I spoke with you before about being made new, it was in the context of the old having passed away.
So many times, I have felt shame again, about this need I have to understand who I was... WHERE I was for all those years... and yet, like I wrote to my parents, I felt that it was necessary to know "self" in order to deny "self". To keep slipping backwards into the existence of someone who isn't even alive anymore... it's the worst sort of death. When shame floods in like that you can be sure that the devil will send people to confirm it... oh yeah, you're shameful; you only deserve to be cast aside. What a crock.

I see now, in a way that was not possible before. I see what I have done through your eyes.
You wrote:   "It was the hold-your-head-in-your-hands-to-hide-your-face kind of shame and humiliation and pain."
 Yes.
 Exactly.

I'd thought that if I quit smoking, it would ease... and it did for the first week, and then hit a new low because there is still clearly so much to be done.
Oh, the ways to get tripped up... especially dealing with people who are only to eager to dismiss you.
It has left me unable to put together more than a few words, because no matter what I say, I know that it will likely gather more attacks... because my own way of seeing things is fatally flawed? Because one or two may not like it? Because I need someone else's approval before I can be complete?
Old habits die hard. When I look at how easily I forget... I want to run and hide. But now I see that when I go too far in trying to explain myself, I really am giving away my power. How much I long for the balance... to know when to speak and when to just let it go. This post of mine here feels very disorganized and weak, but I will send it anyway, because I think you have given me a great lesson here in how to begin and I Thank you!

With much love,
Carolyn

[changing]

Pennyplant-

This is a great development! I know that I have given away my privacy and comfort in many instances, because of trainiing to be "courteous" that I didn't understand- we don't have to be more vulnerable than our instincts and rationality tell us we should be, in order to be polite and sociable. This was good for me to read! Good for you, Pennyplant!

Hugs,

Changing

[pennyplant]

Carolyn,

I bet that as you go forward now you will see it as it is happening and then after that you will see it before you do it.  It takes as long as it takes and as many lessons as are necessary.  It is harder to learn to do this as an adult when the healthy ones learned it in the crib. 

It is pervasive.  I think that is what is so challenging about changing it.  It is in your hands, feet, smile, hair, breath.  It is a constant way of thinking.  The negative tapes, the automatic thoughts, are the psychological manifestation of "it" -- the power drain.  The working too hard, the subservience, the worry, the alertness to what we believe others want of us, are physical manifestations of "it" -- the loss of our soul.  This dynamic was set in motion from day one.  So, we never had the chance to see our other options.  Some of us were victimized.  That trauma can temporarily blind us to our other options.

It is a really big thing this being trained to give away our power.  It is all-encompassing.

I have been on this board for one year and eight months.  Events in my life of the past six and a half years came together to lead me here when I was finally ready for healing, or perhaps just too tired to go on in the same way.

It will be interesting to see what life is like on full-power.

I can't emphasize enough, though, how painful this was.  All day Sunday I wanted to literally disappear.  Everybody has to go in the direction that is suitable for their interests and passions.  I don't think I could have handled this lesson if it hadn't involved the arts.  And computers  .

I know now it will be healthy for me to continue to work on my story.  Not sure which turning point will be next.  I remembered a couple of them this weekend and thought they could also be explained by my having given away my power at the time.  Through ignorance and fear, etc.  I was just a little one then and didn't know any better.  This idea of sharing my story to make room for healing appeals to me and makes sense.

I think another good lesson from this--slow down!!!!  I always just react.  Immediately if not sooner.  I need to take enough time for me to gather my thoughts and feelings and assess them.  Maybe then I would be less likely to betray myself.


Love,
PP

[Iphi]

pennyplant - wow what a post, what turning points.  What you describe is what happens to me when I try to put myself 'out there' and feel vulnerable to judgment.  I am triggered with an overwhelming shame trigger.  I have also given my power away (over explaining, jumping to help before being asked, lifting other's responsibilities from them improperly - to name just a few off the top of the head) but I never put that those two things together before like you did here.  I will need to spend some time with that awareness - thank you for sharing it - it is teaching me.

CH - it was my experience that quitting smoking clarified my eyesight of my real actual problems that I resorted to smoking for in the first place because I had no idea how to solve.  Oh the dismay. But elbow grease - you can do it.  Keep on keeping on.  You're on the move - you're in motion - feel the wind in your hair.

[pennyplant]

Thank you, Changing!  I feel like I got a prize or something.  I bet that slowing down will help me to listen to my rationality and instincts.  They've spent a life time shouting at me and being ignored!  Or misunderstood.

Love, PP

[pennyplant]

Thank you, Iphi.  It is good to know that this idea rings a bell with you. 

When I took Women's Study courses in the 90s, we talked about power from within all the time.  And I took a lot of Native American courses that talked about Medicine.  These subjects were always of interest to me, always drew me in, but I never had the understanding of what was really going on and what it all really meant in one's life--until this weekend.  It is good that I had some language to frame this experience with.  I guess this has been building for a very long time.

I have a lot more to learn now.  I was looking for some kind of motivation.  Now I feel more interested again, in my own life.

PP

[Ami]

This is a topic that is crucial to healing---having our own power. Our power was what was STOLEN from us by N's. Penny, when you write that the way that we feel about ourselves is in our bodies, expressions etc-- That was the point that I was trying to make on the "Why are we abused thread?"We are abused(IMO) b/c our lack of value shines out to "abusers".
  Until we do just what you did-- have a huge shift-we cannot "really" change. We can change on the surface,but it will be like putting perfume over a swamp.
 You have helped me to realize that I am on the right path in my healing.
 I think that you would have not had this healing if you did not force yourself to share that very painful  truth about your son. For me, I am having many deep healings b/c I was willing to release deep pain ,as you did with telling your story. You are confirming to me the Scripture"You shall know the truth and the truth will make you free". It is the truth,itself, that does it. All we have to do is to face it,just like you did                      Love to You   Ami

[Poppy Seed]

Penny,

I found myself resonating with your orginal statements.  Thanks for sharing your process of thought.....and your courage in walking into the dark of trying to recieve something new.  I was particularly touched by your realization of being literally "new" everyday.  I felt something inside me grab onto that idea.  Thank you.

Poppy

ps. Would you mind talking more about the "medicine" that you studied??

[Certain Hope]

Dear Penny,

I sure hope it gets easier, and I do believe it will!!... to see as it's happening and then in advance... already, there seems to be a bit of progress. Words are flowing again, and in a more natural style. Shame triggers a retreat to head-responses... or none at all, just the clam effect, I've noticed. Pervasive, indeed!

You wrote: "It is pervasive.  I think that is what is so challenging about changing it.  It is in your hands, feet, smile, hair, breath.  It is a constant way of thinking."

Yes! I can work with this, thank you! It's like the after-effects of the smoking... now that we've both quit, I am laundering, scrubbing, freshening, de-staining... so much - but in time, the marks will be gone.  That hyper-alertness to what others want is so stubborn... even the generic worry gives way before that, in me... because I can see that as wrong and repent of it. The other... often masquerades as right.

I am so glad that you didn't disappear... especially from yourself. You are beautiful, Penny. I am so looking forward to what you'll write next, as you make room for more healing.
I made room for more activity when I quit smoking, but all that doing is not covering up for the revelations... just as Iphi says....
thank you Iphi!  Greasing my elbows... lol. Actually, washing smoke residue from mirrors and glass... but not frantically now, just as it comes, enjoying the forward motion and forsaking the concern for what anyone else might want of me...
doing the next thing.

Much love,
Carolyn

P.S. Love that wind in the hair...   felt it as I chased Daisy Dawg down the back country road, leash in one hand, chewy toy in the other, she laughin at me from atop her long gangly legs, then turning and running even farther.
Got her home in the pen at last, with no discipline left in me toward her... spoiled rotten velvet-ears, she is!

[gratitude28]

PP!!!!!!!!!
How cool is that????? You learned a huge lesson. I would say, though, that it wasn;'t as huge as it must have felt to you - the being "caught." Look at it this way. If an old flame of, say, your brother, looked him up and you saw that the person had done so, would you being overly excited about it????? Not really, probably. We all look into our past... I'll tell you a funny story at the end about what I found...
You do give away your power - in not being confident. I believe that those people who want "dominance" look for any sign of weakness in another. Being ashamed or fearful, those things draw these beasts.
I see you as smart, funny and charming. If you portray what you ARE, they will not look for the break in the armor.

Sooooo... When I got pregnant with my first baby, I had a weird desire to look up the guy I almost married. We had been together for six years. I found him on the internet... he had married a girl from high school and had taken her name as his middle name, which he uses for professioanl purposes. He was always like that - he wanted to be dominated in a strange way and "claimed" by his woman. The guise was that of a "sensitive" male. (Anyone ever see the movie Bedazzled where Brandon Frazer is the Sensitive Man?)

[pennyplant]

Ami,

I like that, putting perfume on a swamp.  Just won't cut it, will it?

Ns are like thieves.  They take our power just as naturally as we give up our power.  They are always on the prowl, checking for unlocked doors and windows, and staking out the place.  They are the professionals at what they do, experts.  They don't hide their "talents" any better than we hide our weaknesses.  We can see their "skills" in the little details too.  That is what is good about sharing the stories of our run-ins with them.  We can study just how it works.  There is a method to it, a system.

But we don't have to hide our "weaknesses" from them.  We can heal ourselves and then those weaknesses are gone.  We won't be easy pickings any more.

PP

[pennyplant]

Hi Poppy,

I hope the being new idea helps.  It was such a difficult concept for me, maybe because I have always, always been addicted to the past.  Playing it over and over again in my mind.  Torturing myself with it.  I thought it was part of me.  Well, it was because I made it so.  I always thought of the passing of time as being a curse and a tragedy.  I thought that way even as a child.  I could literally feel time slipping away.  I never saw the beauty of the next hours and next day being new and me being new with it.  And the idea of each breath and each heartbeat making me new as well.  I have been stuck in the idea of breathing and heartbeats as signs of mortality and endings.

I only ever saw half the story.

I don't know if I can say very much about Medicine.  It has been a long time since I took the coursework.  I have sort of internalized the ideas.  One book I read that moved me very much back then is "Waterlily"  by Ella Cara Deloria.  She was a Yankton Sioux who studied anthropology with Franz Boas (as did Margaret Mead and Zora Neale Hurston).  Before I read that book I had heard that it was a story about women Indians and I was all excited.  Then I read it, and still liked it very much, but it was fully fifty percent about the men of the tribe.  So, it's all in your perspective or who you are.  I suppose men were saying, This is a book about women, just because women were mentioned at all.  Here I'm reading it, expecting it to really be about women and then find that half of it is men.  If I read it again, I wonder what I will take away this time.

Anyway, I find that Native American traditional stories and legends give a good idea of the concept of Medicine.

I'm also reading a book called The 13 Original Clan Mothers.  It is something of a recreation of how the kinds of power came to be and how each clan mother was educated in her particular skill.  It is a hard read.  I read it out loud to myself to help it get into my head better.  It speaks to me, but it is hard to incorporate the knowledge.  It's such a different concept from what I thought life was supposed to be about.

PP