Some thoughts about moderating the board

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi everybody,
Some thoughts about moderating this board.  Please forgive the mechanical tone and format of this post—this is my holiday week, and I still have my annual holiday talk to write…

1)   My preference is to stay in the background as much as possible.  Because this is a voicelessness board, it is my wish that people say as much as possible unimpeded by rules, censorship, etc.  Most people on the board have been exceptionally respectful.
2)   Establishing boundaries is an important part of the board for each and every member.  But beware—sometimes we can learn from the people we most don’t want to hear from.
3)   Could I make the board safer for some people—or create a second safe board?  Perhaps, but on the board I have seen people who believe themselves to be kind and empathic be rude and demeaning without their knowing it.  And I have also seen people be accused of being rude, demeaning, and non-validating when they simply disagreed or were not supportive of a particular position.  This will happen on a safe board, just as it would on the regular board.  On a “voicelessness” board where the most sensitive feelings are shared, people are going to get hurt, and unfortunately, leave.  I am always sad about that.  The safest board is one where people don’t share their sensitive, vulnerable feelings.
4)   That said, over the years, I have not permitted contentless taunting.  In these situations, I have deleted posts with a note of explanation.  Also, if a person asks to be left alone, I have allowed them that right.
5)   And then, there is the question of resources (thanks, Mud).  The board began in 1999 as a place for a few people to talk about voicelessness and my thoughts about it.  Last year alone there were approximately 35,000 posts and 1.75 million page views.  Those numbers are still growing rapidly.  Yesterday, for example, there were 387 posts and over 16000 page views.  On the other side of this explosion of activity is---me.  The board adds meaning to my life, and I hope to yours.  But already, one third of my professional life is devoted to managing it…

Best,

Richard

[Certain Hope]

Thank you so much, Dr. Grossman.

I love this board just the way it is and I agree wiith you that most of the people here try very hard to be respectful.

I've been on so-called Christian boards where the degree of rudeness prohibited my expression of anything, because it was so intimidating to me. This has been the only place where I felt encouraged to learn to express... not just to spew whatever was on my mind, but to be able to communicate well for the sake of everyone involved, not only myself.

I feel safer just having read this post of yours. Other times, when I get to feeling shaky, I'll go back and read Little Voices or another of your essays and remind myself... it's okay, this man understands what it's like. So... just thanks, for being here.

And a blessed Yom Kippur to you...

Carolyn

[changing]

Dear Dr. Grossman-

I want to thank you for creating and maintaining this board- it has been an immeasurable help  to me in a time of crisis. I would also like to thank you for this post, and say that I agree completely with your determinations and insights. Have a blessed Yom Kippur.

Thank you,

Changing

[Poppy Seed]

After much consideration, I have determined that, overall, this board is a really good thing.  Thank you, Dr. G, for creating it and for helping me to better understand your vision behind it.  I have grown in my participation.  I have learned that I can make myself safer and this is a great place to explore and practice.  I am learning to gain some autonomy that way.

Poppyseed

[teartracks]

Hi Dr. G,

I like the board the way it is. 

Thank you for your dedication and diligence on our behalf.

Edit in:  Those are exciting statistics.

Happy Holidays.

Would love to hear your speech.

tt

[JanetLG]

I appreciate the work you do, Dr Grossman. It's a huge achievement to have a forum this big and this busy.

I don't think that hardly anyone on the discussion thread about moderating (last night - the one that eventually was pulled) wanted moderation. We all know what voicelessness is, so we don't want any more if it can be avoided. But sensitive oversight of what goes on might end up being necessary, if people who are hurting are not to leave, sometimes faster than others are joining. They leave hurt and confused, and, with hardly a blip, the forum carries on just the same.

I don't know what the answer is, but it keeps happening just the same. Different people. Same scenario.

I have learnt a lot here, from some very special people.

But I have also been hurt here, by some very sick people.

Janet

[isittoolate]

Thank you Dr. G.

This Board does give us a chance to interact and to (try to) make adult choices and decisions to run by the others. I think no one ought to be ridiculed for perhaps a wrong choice, when asking for input, that is disagreed with by the others.

Thank you for all the time to take from your busy life to work re the board.

Izzy

[Iphi]

Thank you Dr. Grossman for taking the time to share your reasoning, and also for the time and effort you invest to provide this space.  It has been a very pivotal and often painful experience for me to read here, much less participate, and has thus far been the place I have begun to find the growth I have been seeking for a long time.  As changing said - I completely agree with your determinations and insights and have a lot of respect for what your careful, measure, gentle approach says about you as a professional and a person. 

[mudpuppy]

On the other side of this explosion of activity is---me.

How about you and a tip jar? At the very least least it might help defray the costs of maintaining the site and being voluntary nobody could squawk about it. It could also provide a psychological benefit to those of us with guilty consciences for taking up so much of your time.

mud

[Certain Hope]

On the other side of this explosion of activity is---me.

How about you and a tip jar? At the very least least it might help defray the costs of maintaining the site and being voluntary nobody could squawk about it. It could also provide a psychological benefit to those of us with guilty consciences for taking up so much of your time.

mud

I second that motion.

Put it on the grand in the lounge?

Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Dr.G,
  You have given me so much by helping me find my voice. There are no words to thank you for that priceless gift. I agree with Mud,it would be my honor to contribute     . Ami
                                                                                                       

[reallyME]

Dr G

I had to sit and think a while about how to word this...i do appreciate this place.  It was the second place i came, after Sam Vaknin's site, when I first learned about NPD.

I am grateful that, not only did you give ME a voice again through this forum, but even those who hurt me, came here and were able to have a voice.  i know people don't understand why I almost seem to be "defending" my accusers, but please realize, these people are people I came to know and love.  i got to know their families and love them too.  We made plans, hopes, dreams together.  They need to have a place to speak freely too, as that was taken from them very long ago.

Dr G, thank you for letting ALL people talk freely and openly, but also for being available to discuss things with us as we need you.

Blessya and yes, Happy Yom Kippur

~Laura (reallyME)

[Bella_French]

Dear Richard,

Thanks for writing; its nice to hear from you:)

 I  prefer this site unmoderated site myself, and its one of the things I like about this forum. I also think that it `fits' with the theme of overcoming voicelessness.

 bella

[gratitude28]

I just want to say thank you for the board, Dr. Grossman. I think it works tremendously.
R/Beth

[sea stormritz]

Hi Dr. Grossman,

Thank you for this wonderful board. It has been so supportive and inspiring for me.
I don't think we need rules. I like the way the board weathers storms. If there is a toxic post, it is often ignored.  With all the people out there it is amazing that it keeps going in such a kind and affirming way. Without being smarmy.
Conflict is inevitable. No use freaking out about it.

Sea storm