I'd like to thank Dr. Grossman for weighing in on the subject of board moderation.
As it was I who brought it up, I feel it appropriate to respond.
There are some really special people here. People who are kind supportive and loving -- and then there are others.
Thank you Dr. Grossman, for echoing my concerns:
Could I make the board safer for some people—or create a second safe board? Perhaps, but on the board I have seen people who believe themselves to be kind and empathic be rude and demeaning without their knowing it. And I have also seen people be accused of being rude, demeaning, and non-validating when they simply disagreed or were not supportive of a particular position.
While I might differ in my opinion as to whether the people who behave in a rude and demeaning manner towards others here KNOW what they're doing -- that is neither here nor there.
The question I asked was:
Can we work together to make this place a safer place for those who are sometimes bullied and hurt by the behaviors of others.This question was only addressed by a few people but it seemed, IMO, the need to say that this place is great and nothing bad happens here took precedence over addressing a very real concern that even Dr. Grossman can see.
Curiously, at the same time there was another thread running which showed very clearly that bad things DO happen here -- the PM message to Beth.
I would think that this would have given us, together as a group, pause and we would have *sat* down together, discussed the issue and tried to come up with solutions -- I can't say this word enough: Together.
What happened was very different.
I liken this board to village that sacrifices a young virgin every month of so to insure peace and prosperity!
At times people respond (as I watch in horror) at another's expression of their hurt and pain and then advise them to move on, forget it, ignore it and basically to stop complaining -- this is life. Conflict is inevitable.
Well, no one believes that more than I. But the purpose of conflict is to RESOLVE it and heal.
At least that is my opinion.
I'd like to thank everyone here who took the time out to suspend w/ judgments and reach out to me w/ their hearts.
I did not want to fail to acknowledge what a risk that is -- especially here.
Iphi wrote a beautiful message to me and I see that is now gone.
Iphi, it was beautiful. I hold the place you create for me in my mind as a place of refuge, just as you intended. I wish you would have left the message on line.
This is my opinion. I don't write to debate w/ anyone or to invite anyone to prove me wrong.
I don't say it because I'm absolutely certain that I'm right -- Anything I write or wrote here was to do one thing: INSPIRE THOUGHT and CONVERSATION.
I wrote it because it was how I felt.
This is how I
feel.Feelings are not good or bad, as Sally so eloquently expressed, they just are.
What they need to be, IMO, is heard and acknowledged, not proved wrong or manipulated -- that is how I felt here.
Being told I shouldn't be angry or hurt or concern -- it's invalidating -- it makes a person feel crazy because after all they are ANGRY and HURT.
You just can't should away feelings.
IMO, feelings have to be understood -- both from the person feeling them and the one on the other end, the witness, to validate, support and reflect back.
"I see you feel angry for not being heard, you are hurt that you are being ignored." How powerful that sentence is and what a blessing it would have been to me.
But only a few were able to give me that -- what I viewed to be a small request, but must have been so hard for others.
I understand. I had the same problem w/ my daughter. She reached out to me in love and I did not trust her. I did not trust myself to open up to her because when I opened up to my own mother she hurt me. I view her request for love as an attempt to manipulate and control me -- I would not give it to her.
So you see everyone who hates me -- I do understand.
Beth, thank you for writing me a personal message. I felt your response to me was cold originally because I was looking for a soft place to fall, for someone to acknowledge my feelings -- to meet me where I was.
I understand how difficult that is for some people so it is important for me to recognize the effort.
Beth you said that words can't heart you.
Beth, words DO HURT and they CAN HURT, terribly.
Thirty years later, I still have the voice of my mother in my head, telling me God awful things that I believe -- they were just words to her, but to me, they
described who I was.
Whenever I see a person treated rudely or demeaned here, and then it is ignored or worse made fun of -- that is a huge trigger for me, because w/ four sisters and six brothers, that is how I was treated.
When I bring this up and it is once again ignored, or minimized I am triggered even more, because that is what was done to me -- my pain was ignored.
When I am blamed and attacked -- instead of invited to explain and be understood, I am triggered because that is what was done to me, I was blamed and attacked for daring to say I HURT.
It is not a crime, to hurt.
It is why we are all here, because we hurt.
It is not a crime to talk about making things better.
Isn't that why we're all here -- to make things better?
Kelly quoted Rodney King in her thread, and asked us: Why Can't We Get Along.
Unless we're going to sprinkle Pixie Dust over this board and the world, we can never "get along" unless we address the ones who are in pain amongst us.
Or the members of the board can continue to watch people who come here already terribly hurt, turn away even more hurt, and then pretend that hasn't happened by saying:
THIS IS A GREAT PLACE, FINE JUST THE WAY IT IS.
For me this was not true and I echo the sentiments of not one, not two, not three or four but MANY others.
