Sad Reality

[Doodle]

Hi Everyone!

On my journey in life with my N mom and voicelessness through most of my life, I realized something very sad:

The voice I never had as both a young and adult child, now that it is starting to emerge, has NO value to my N mom whatsoever.

I have been in therapy for 6 years and have only begun to find my voice.  As it gets stronger, I strengthen my boundaries with my N mom and am better able to make life decisions based on what I want and need rather than what she wants and needs (we all know that is WAY easier said than done). There was a time when I thought that my growth would improve my relationship with my mother.  But, it has made it worse. She is unable to acknowledge me as a person with my own voice.  To her, my "voice" is a direct threat to her entire being at every level.  When she realizes she no longer has control over me, she pushes back so hard that it sometimes goes beyond assigning me at fault.  For example, I recently reached a breaking point and told her that I needed a break from speaking.  I simply stated my need for space and respect for my needs and I was told the following quotes on messages and emails (from both my N mom AND her husband):

"I hope you are still talking to your friends!"
"I hope you are still taking your medicine!"
"Why are you acting so severe?"
"We are concerned because you are acting severely irrational."
"Just so you know, the separation has had a very bad affect on your mother."
"Your mother would like to know when you will be speaking to her again."

I had to call them three times and play my broken record (something I'm working on) and tell her that I just needed space and a break from talking.  She tried so hard to find any thread to grab onto to pull me back into her circle, but I didn't give her any to grab.

There has been an important development since this time that I would like to express, but I'm just going to post this as-is.  I really would like to know if anyone else has experienced similar push-back after telling their N that they needed space. 

The battle continues...

Thanks for reading!

[JanetLG]

Doodle,

I had exactly the same response as you did, when starting to enforce my boundaries with my NMUm. The 'you're ill, you're bad, you're stupid'...al these comments are supposed to make you cave in.

Unfortuntaley, they don't change their attitude, ever. They will always find your confidence a threat. Normal people would be pleased with your progress, but not an N, even when they are your mother.They want you to stay a victim, so that they can use you as they choose.

I know that's very hard to hear, and I'm sorry you're going through it too.

I haven't spoken to my mother for 13 years - you might like to read my story in the other section of this site, to get the background details. Many people here have had mothers like yours, unfortunately, so you will get lots of support.

Janet

[Doodle]

It helps to know that I am in the good company of people that understand.  My partner and friends certainly listen and validate my feelings, but they will never really know what it is like to live with an N in one's life. 

What confounds me so is that even though I know my N mom won't change, there has been many times where she just calls me up out-of-the-blue to say how proud she is of me and how much I have accomplished; and she says she will love me no matter what. 

Since my break from speaking to her, I asked her out to lunch this weekend.  I had all days free and let her pick the day and time.  So, she picked Saturday at 11.  Later yesterday I realized I needed to move that to Sunday at 11.  She agreed and we disconnected.  One hour later, she called back (as I knew she would) to ask WHY I needed to change times, because "I thought you said you were free all weekend".  When I told her that something came up and just needed to change the day (since either day was open for her), she told me she felt "disposable" and ended our calling saying "we'll see" about our get-together.

I'm getting to the point where the feelings of guilt only last for so long.  Sooner than later lately, they switch to a feeling of apathy bordering on acceptance.

[JanetLG]

Yeah, they do that 


Janet

[Doodle]

It is sad, yet liberating at the same time! 

[tayana]

Coming out of lurking . . .

Doodle, I know what you're going through I'm going through the same thing.  I've been in therapy for several months, but I may have to stop that or else find a new counselor since the one I'm currently seeing isn't covered under insurance, and it's gotten expensive.

You said some things that really resonated with me:

"Why are you acting so severe?"
"We are concerned because you are acting severely irrational."
"Just so you know, the separation has had a very bad affect on your mother."

I have heard these exact things.  Replace mother with father on that last one, because the separation I created with  my parents is supposedly killing my dad.  I don't believe that.

My mom pulled a surprise visit on me this week.  When I saw my T this week, I was severely depressed and cried through the whole session.  I'd managed to get out of my funk by Wed, but my mom showed up.  Luckily she didn't stay long, but no more than twenty minutes after she left, I was back in the same place I'd been two days earlier, crying.  

I understand completely, and I sympathize with you.  I know how hard it is to try to establish boundaries and keep them.  I know how hard it is to want a normal relationship, and then when you try to have it, your mother or parents just can't do it.  My T has been trying to get me to accept this, but I'm still struggling.

I just wanted to say you aren't alone, and I really feel for you.  I know what you mean about the feelings of guilt, only I haven't gotten to that place yet where they just pass into acceptance.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Ami]

Dear friend,
  Finding out your M is an N is a horror show. However,it is worse when you don't know. Then, you are a puppet on a string. The puppeteer will bounce you around until you are nothing. Your blood,and guts will be oozing out ,.but they will not care.
  If I did not find God from all this pain,I would not be able to go on. I look at my M as putting  me in such a desperate state that I humbled myself and found God.
  In my darkest times, I believe that it was all worth it. I could not cope with the fact that she tried to destroy me just b/c she wanted to --if I did not have something wonderful come out of it.
  That is what keeps me going and allows me to face the truth. When my Mother and Father forsake me, the Lord will lift me up"
   My M 'birthed" me in to a new life with God.
  Maybe,I will never even be able to overcome her damage  and be "normal" .Maybe,I won't. However, he loves me and I am His child, That is enough.                        Love  Ami

[Certain Hope]

Hi Doodle,

Congratulations on finding your voice. Your ability to declare that you need a break from speaking is such a major accomplishment!

At times, I have quietly taken such breaks, but till now, I never felt strong enough to make that declaration... so I really admire you.

And yes, there is always push-back... above all, N refuses to allow you to be a separate, distinct individual or to differ in opinion from her in any way.
The idea that you could actually have a life of your own, separate and apart from N, is insufferable. That's when the labeling begins, along with all the "you" messages, referring to you as the problem, severe, irrational one.
It will never occur to N that she is the problem. Never.

In my view, you went above and beyond the call of duty in reinforcing your message with three phone contacts. My patience is not quite there yet, but working on it... because even if they don't get it, you've still done the right thing for yourself and honored your own integrity. Very admirable.

Maybe it's just my eyes, but in light of the other things you've shared... when I read that she will love you "no matter what", what I hear is: "You're not easy to love, but I'll do it... like nobody else ever will".  Feels to me more like she's fishing for you to give her compliments in return and promise your eternal submission.
And then to cancel your luncheon date? Another example of all-or-nothing, to me. So manipulative and controlling... and possessive.
The more boundaries you can firm up within yourself, the better you'll feel in general, no matter how she carries on. In the meanwhile, please know that these remarks of N and her disrespecting of you and your boundaries reflect only on her, and have nothing to do with who you are.

With love,
Carolyn