Regarding talking about "N" over and over again to the same or many people...well, I often mention things about what happened with the dysfunctional people in my life, but I didn't actually "talk about" the entire specifics, until someone put up the "MY STORY" board. I posted it there, thinking maybe someone could identify with the behaviors. I then removed it, because I got very little response that it was doing any good at all, and it seemed to just be irritating certain people, which was not my heart in the matter at all.
The people of my past know what they did, know that it was wrong, but also have some deeply ingraiined perceptions or mindsets, that disable them from truly changing the behaviors. Sadly, this prohibits any form of reconciliation, but instead, provokes projection and rejection. After having studied Psychology, I understand this a lot better, which is why I will now disengage from conflict should someone with these same problems, decide to scapegoat me. With dysfunctional people, it's a lose-lose situation every time.
The hard part comes when one is triggered and the old feelings and longings for people start to come back. It's like a child who wants a certain toy he saw on tv. His friends have it, people on the commercial have it, he thinks he's NOTHING without it, so he MUST have it too.
When his parents tell him "no" a grand FIT ensues on the child's part, and he either tries to cooerce the parent to buy him the toy, figures out a way to get that toy, gives up on the toy and sets his eyes on a different object, or tells himself that the toy is not worth having. "Black n White thinking is what I'm talking about in this last part (telll self toy is not worth having...painting it as UNDESIREABLE)
Rather than tell myself that some relationships are not something I wanted, because the people are just all bad, I usually try to remember their good points, but forgive the bad ones, knowing that each human has both good and bad in them, and realizing that each person really does have a right to live life how they choose to. I no longer DEMAND to have the "toy" in my possession.
As far as talking to only 1 person about things, I've had counselors for that. My counselors have basically told me that I need to stay away from controlling people, who live their lives through passive-aggressive tendencies, overtly or covertly controlling others, due to feeling out of control in their own lives, and that I need to also beware of the codependent and dependent habits in myself.
I could probably write a book on some of the times in my life that were deeply painful, but like some others on this board, unless a human mind is totally drugged, the pain that comes from rehashing the past, can often destroy a person; especially if the past relationship was one of promises never fulfilled with people who have no intention of ever working together to repair the damage and create new dreams.
It just makes more sense to "let sleeping dogs lie" as the saying goes, or let "the dead bury their own dead" as the Bible says.
~Just some thoughts
RM
