Thanks everyone for weighing in. You make really good points. Lighter, you are so right in what you said. You have to stop expecting they will act and think normally. I guess I just never thought that was also true of co-dependents. Even though I consider myself the most damaged and unhealthy in my family, I've had counselors who've told me they can't understand how I could think so "normally" given my dysfunctional family. To me, it's just common sense that a mother and father would want close, loving relationships with their children that involves talking to them, visiting with them, initiating activities, being interested in their lives. But mine don't. I guess the co-dependency is so deep and my co-D dad is so fearful of my Nmom that he just doesn't care about having good relationships with his children.
Izzy, to answer your question, I noted that I felt like screaming, throwing a tantrum, etc....but I don't do it. Partly because I know it would only make matters worse. After the explosion, it wouldn't change anything. It would just give them more ammunition to use against me.
And as for having other people in my life growing up, no I did not...and do not. One trait of my Nmom and co-dependent dad was that they excluded everyone from their lives. They were always very, very private. So, they were estranged from their own siblings and family so no aunts, uncles or cousins around. They were polite to but not social with neighbors, church goers, co-workers or anyone. They didn't really allow us to bring friends or anyone to the house. They always insisted that we go somewhere else (too worried about messing up the house or bothering the neighbors). As a consequence, I really had no one. That continues today. I also had a N sister who was abusive.
I also think it's a question of generations and availability of knowledge. My parents' generation never questioned their parents or any person of authority. They thought it disrespectful to argue with, disagree with or question them. I think today things are different. Also, we have the benefit of a lot more research, understanding and information regarding what is and what isn't healthy parenting or relationship behavior.
I am often consumed with the "what if's" What if I had someone to encourage me, support me, talk to me? Would I have been able to develop friends, relationships? What I be more successful? Would I not hate myself? Would I not be suicidal or seriously depressed? Would I have been able to experience joy and happiness? Everyone always say how futile it is to think in terms of "what ifs" but sometimes it is hard when you look around you and see the consequences of people who had good parents and relationships.
P.S. I'm still struggling with the job decision although I'm leaning towards taking it (only because I might have to). I know that I will feel like an even bigger failure and more depressed. My stomach churns even as I write this.
I guess the "normal" part of me wants to be a good daughter, a loving daughter....the kind you see on TV where the daughter and Mom talk on the phone or go shopping or go to lunch. The mom may be nosy or offer advice the daughter doesn't want, but by the end of the conversation, mom and daughter are still ok. Same goes for dad and daughter. It is really hard to know that will never happen. It's hard not to feel like a terrible daughter. My Nmom's bitterness and resentment and misplaced blame on my brother and I prevent us from helping her in any major way. She simply won't allow it because it's her way of "punshing" us. She's not the violent or screaming sort of N; her method is systematic withdrawal, emotional blackmail and disinterest. I'd almost prefer having the former.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It gets me in the gut sometimes...especially on days like today when I'm feeling particularly alone and lonely. I'm very honest with myself and know that if I were to die today or be sent to the hospital, there would be no one there. No one would care. Yet, I know I have always tried to be good and caring to people. Always there for co-workers or so-called "friends"' and family. But.....well you know the rest.
Take care and thanks for letting me vent.
