Why am I always confused?

[Lupita]

Your words are wonderful. Difficult to do. For me, almost impossible, at how I feel, so bad so bad.

Everything is going bad for me right now. Still, I have tog ive thnkas to God because my son is fine, or at least he is not telling me of anything bad.

I feel that my boss was not acting alone. Many people supported him. That means they do not like me either. I was not liked since the day I was born. I was kicked out for my last church by a narcissistic pastor who thought that any kind of disagreement was a direct attack to him. I had to leave another job because nobody wanted to talk to me. In my salsa class, nobody wants to talk to me either. All the people who used to dance with me are not dancing with me anymore.

I have the tendency to think that somebody is poisoning people against me, but my son tells me that it is not a vampire who bites other people and are affected the same way. So, if nobody is poisoning people against me, who is? Why suddenly I am being rejected everywhere?

If the loneliness at salsa continues I will have to leave too.

I am afraid. I have not found any positions available, but I am tired to run. I always have to leave because I feel or I am rejected.

There is no doubt that some people in power wanted to get rid of me at my school. Why? I do not know. I do a good job, the kids like me, most of parents like me.

Who wanted to get rid of me? Why nobody likes me?

At dance school everybody asks me to practice, but when the dance comes, nobody dances with me. All those who practiced with me go and dance with others. Most of them younger women.

They wanted to get rid of me at the school Now they put me in the bulletin and asked everybody to congratulate me for my citizenship. It says that they are glad to have me there. So, now if I tell somebody that I am being mistreated, people are going to think that I am crazy, how come, they just put you in the bulletin.

But in all jobs somebody wants to get rid of me, in all jobs, someboy protects me, I hate that. I want to be wantes. Why do I have to deffend my job, why do I have to be protected if I am working hard and dong a good job?

I want to have a job because I am good, not because somebody is protecting me. But always always always there is somebody trying to hurt me.

Yesterday in salsa class, there was one lady who did not switch when the teacher said it, so I was momentarily without a partner. Then I said, she did not swith, I do not have a partner. At that moment she had swithed, she just wanted me to complain, she just wanted to put me in the spot. She wanted to damage me, why? I donot know. Then she told me to breath. She did not switch in purpose, then she swithed and looked at me as she was superior.

I am getting sick.

All my bad luck started with sexy dancing bad boy. Then everything went bad.

[Lupita]

On top of all there is these old man in salsa class with knee replacement that always wants to practice with me, and I do, I practice with him, and help him, despite that he is sweating like crazy and he does not care to be putting his sweat on you, I am very considerate in that aspect, then he comes and gives me hugs and leaves all his sweat on my arms and my clothing and when we do the hair brosh, your arms are not supposed to  be applied like butter on his neck full of sweat, and put up with it and give him a smile. And yesterday during the dance he did not dance with me, he danced with other ladies except me.
Why everybody rejects me?

[Overcomer]

Lup-I could be far off base but I wanted to put in my two cents worth here.  I have not read the whole thread but the last couple scream victim.  Sometimes our thoughts become a self fulfilling prophecy.  What we think becomes reality.  If you think  no one likes you then you might send off DO NOT LIKE ME vibes.  We all seem a bit sensitive to criticism here.  Maybe people are not being mean to you but you assume they are and expect and hear the worst.  Am I correct or in left field?

[lighter]

So glad CB posted that wonderful post. 

Yay... CB.

Now.... I want to tell you that I believe people are being catty and avoiding you...

I also want to say that I believe the women are threatened and resentful and bitchy.

Pretty much how a good percentage of American women operate every day. ::shrug::

I know..... been there.... done that.

I can remember being happy and  not even noticing what they were doing..... as an introvert.... you almost have to hit me over the head at times to get me to notice my surroundings.

When I'm not feeling well.... or I'm a little paranoid.... look out.  I see everything and I just get to feeling worse. 

It's a spiral.

Fortunately, it's always been a cycle, as well.

I feel so bad I have to DO something that moves me into new space. 

It might not always be better space.... but it's different and it always leads to better space.

It's life. 

You can't stay where you are, Lupita.

That discomfort is telling you that you're in the wrong place.

Inside your head mainly, IMO.

Maybe in the job and dance class too.

In this society.... women aren't allowed to have TOO MUCH. 


Unspoken rules and agreements.

Fortunately, you don't have to depend on anyone's approval or permission to have more and be happy.

But you DO require outside socialization, which can be problematic.

You're introverted.

The meanies are the ones who find you.

Other nice introverts are usually being monopolized by meanies too, IMO.

SO..... how to break the cycle and socialize with uplifting people you can claim as your new family and build around?

They don't just walk up and tap you on the shoulder, do they?

Do you walk up and tap people on the shoulder?

I don't.  I always get tapped or I don't get tapped at all.  ::blowing raspberry::  That's not good.

Why don't we tap?

Why do we feel victimized instead of do what the meanies do.... and tap the shoulders of nice people?

I have no idea but it's harder for us to sustain relationships too..... harder to stay attached and it almost feels like we need meanie GLUE people in the middle of it all.... but they ruin things, don't they?

So.... I guess maybe we add some skills.

Become more outgoing and actively seek out nicer people.... SAY NO TO THE BAD BOYS up front....

Find other places to locate these people.  Church is a great place, IMO.

You can visit and join other dance schools?

Take a part time job somewhere you enjoy being?

Volunteer somewhere to meet new people with similar interests?

Keep your eye out for other job opportunities.

I know you play volley ball and dance and go to church.... all social endeavors and I envy your spirit and gumption. It's clear others do too.

I'm just saying.... it's time to make a move.

Not necessarily ADD new things.... just adjust and shift.... try new groups.... talk to new people in those groups?

You're amazing and these people who hurt you aren't trying to destroy you, Lupita.

They're struggling and suffering and feeling bad about themselves..... they envy you.

God only knows what idiot bad boy's said in class.... it's not YOU that the other guys are reacting to, I promise, when they don't ask you to dance. 

He's a bad seed and he's insecure.  You one upped him when you didn't come runningafter he snubbed you. 

This is payback for not groveling and becoming his sex puppet, blech!  In my honest opinion.... it is.

This isn't the end of the world.

You haven't been condemned for life.

People have always been enviouse and insecure.... there will always be those out there that can't help themselves.  ::shrug::

The only thing it has to do with you is.... they don't want you to have more than them.  They don't want you to have too much.

That much I can assure you of.  I'm living it right now.  I've lived it my whole life.  I've read a book on it and it's not up to society how much we can have!!!!!

Esp the insecure screwed up section of society.  Phhht!!!

What the heck are we wasting our time swimming around with those people for anyway?

Well.... we get kind'a lonely and we want to live and be happy and socialize, right?

So.... what can we do differently that builds us up and helps us attain social contacts that are lasting and fulfilling?

::sigh:: I'm still working on that one. 

I do have some sturdy folks in my life that are anchors.....  mostly elderly women but man do they have experience and they're not threatened or intimidated or out to sink me.  THey have my best interest in mind and I touch base with them.... they help keep me centered.  I get good feedback and honesty from them, even if we don't always agree.

Maybe you pick from a different pool of people.... add different groups you wouldn't necessarily be around.

Frankly.... I see you volunteering your medical skills somewhere that gets you involved with people who share your interest in that field.

I didn't say go looking for a doctor husband.... but it could happen and you will come into contact with people with similar educations.  You see where this is going?

Lupita cannot choose who she is around at work.

SHE CAN CHOOSE WHO SHE'S AROUND AFTER WORK THOUGH.

I don't have any answers, just suggestions that may not be valid for you.

The point is.... this journey IS your life. 

There are things around the corner for you, regardless of how you anticipate them. 

I would rather picture you happily anticipating bettter things and making moves to find and recieve them.

Picturing you balled up, living in anxiety, fearing attacks and cruelty from those around you is a hard place to live, Lupita.

Are people attacking you?  I think some are.  Not all.  Most certainly have no idea how you're feeling, they're living in their own little private hells trying to feel better,themselves.

Time to find some nice people and let them know how you feel.  Share.  Cook together and listen to their fears and joys.  They have fears too.... dreams.... problems.

Share with them. 

As equals.

Other people do it, what do they have over you?

Better tapes playing in their heads?

Some survive far worse childhoods and come out chipper and seemlingly whole.

I attribute some of this to the fact that they're extroverted and focus on whats ahead, not what might otherwise be chasing them their whole lives.... their pasts. 

I read a book on it..... ::shaking head::  I digress....

There is no easy path.... it winds and it turns and there are ups and downs and we determine how we travel it, only. 

Try not to repeat mistakes.

Reach out to new people and situations.

I really do picture you socializing with people who have similar educational backgrounds.

You aleady reach out to others... at the gym, dance class.... volley ball. 

Keep reaching and don't let yourself stay beaten down.

Be upset, be frightened.... process it till you feel better about it then go out and make some different moves. 

I used to belong to a book club at my church. 

Everyone was elderly and I adored them all.  There were doctors and pilots and aging beauty queens who now hob nob with Bishops and travel the world and they enjoyed me and I enjoyed them.... so much wisdom and so much they could have offered if I'd reached out in my pain. 

I'm so private.  I bet you're pretty private too?

I see places I could have chosen different paths.  I miss them now.... I wish I'd shared and brought them on my current journey. 

Our habits may be part of what keeps us where we are..... hard to change patterns in thought, word and deed I know. 

Something to think about.... making different moves and not fearing or expecting negative things. 

Fake feeling worthy, fake happier expectations.... fake feeling fearless..... and eventually.... it's not so unfamiliar anymore.  Like a child learning a new bedtime routine. 

It's soooo so hard at first.... then it gets better. 

::wondering if I typed so much this post won't go through, lol::





 

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  Butter and that guy's sweat.(Too much information)
Lupita,  I think that you CAN learn and grow from this situation IF you process it right..
 You have the board to help you change your thought processes.'As a Man thinketh in his heart(mind)-- so is he".
 You were programmed horribly from your M. Your story,Lupita, makes me want to kill your mother with my bare hands. I don't think that you have faced that SHE is the "bad" one and not you. That will involve coming out of many layers of denial.(IMO)
  However, for the moment,I wanted to give her my take on your present experience. I think that you are experiencing"normal" life power plays( except the boss is extreme).My S (older) who is a manger at a restaurant is always telling me of the drama,power plays, jealousy, pettiness etc between the employees. .
 He always discusses strategies with me about HOW to handle it.
 I think that you are having "normal" life experiences BUT you are processing them very,very personally.. That is where you start and continue the downward spiral.
  I think that the "basic" reason you are hurting so badly is that you do not realize that all people have issues and can be petty to other people(particularly IF they think that someone is vulnerable).
  THAT is something that you lose the understanding of when you are abused ,I think. You lose the "power" to protect yourself. IF you don't protect yourself, your life starts going down. There are plenty of bullies just looking for a dainty morsel like you. THAT is life. I JUST learned this. This was the BIGGEST lesson in my whole time on the board. I HAVE TO HAVE MY OWN POWER.
 If not, some bully-- somewhere---will eat me. It is a very, very sad part of life. Your M( as mine did) STOLE our ability to protect ourselves. Maybe this is the first step that abusers use to "paralyze" the prey from fighting back.
   I think that you will not "get" this lesson, overnight. I am JUST getting it (really RE -learning it)now. There should be a saying,"Your power- Don't leave home without it".
  I think that you will need to go through a process like I did to reclaim your "right" to even BE here on this earth and take up "space".Your M so denuded  you that you are "prey" for every bully out there. I think that this is what is happening.
   I think that until you reclaim your "right" to have your own space in life,it will continue. I think that you just don't know how bad people can REALLY be if they sense that someone is"weak"
  This is my experience from facing similar situations and THRIVING.Compost what you don't want  .I hate to face these things myself. However, while we are on this earth,I think that we have to face the truth of how it is,here(IMO) in order to have a fruitful life.
                              Love    Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Lup,
One of the biggest lightbulbs in my life was when I realized:

Not everyone is going to like me.
Sometimes, no matter what I am (or do or say), somebody is not going to like me.
There will always, always be someone who doesn't like me.
And that's okay.

Once I realized that it's okay if not everybody likes me, or even if just a few do, I was okay.

Okay as in, that's too bad, I liked them, but oh well.

Oh well.

Oh well.

Oh well.

When I can react just with an Oh well, I'm okay.

love to you,
Hops

[Poppy Seed]

Lupita,

I think that I think more like you than not.  It is my first knee jerk reaction right now to see rejection in everything.  And I don't suppose I am always wrong about it.  I do feel like at least some of the rejection is real but sometimes I see black and white where there is lots of gray.  Like this vacation I just went on.  We made some new friends.  They said I was delightful. And then are distant at dinner and avoid us on vacation.  At one point, I was pretty low.  Then I was informed that they had experienced a miscarriage.  I just got a nice email apology explaining the behavior yesterday.  And still, even with that enlightenment, I feel the temptation to believe that they really are rejecting me, they just feel guilty and are trying to be nice about it.  (Embarrassing that I still think that, huh?) 

You have gotton some great advice.  Lighter and CB and Hops!  What wisdom!  I just wanted to add another voice that says, I KNOW how HARD it is.  I know how convincing those feelings are.  And I know how much it hurts when your feelings are right!  I just have to learn to love myself in spite of all of it.  Right now, my life is filled with so much rejection too.  But I am choosing to see it as a huge opportunity.  Life has removed all distractions so I can learn to love and enjoy ME!  And interesting people are coming along to help me practice my new skills.  It is a difficult, but benevolent thing.  And someday, the right people will find me and like my way and laugh at my foibles and enjoy my food when I don't burn it and laugh with me when I do.  THEY WILL FIND YOU TOO!   Much love, Lupita.   ((((((())))))))

[lighter]

Is there a survey on Introverts vs Extroverts, population percentages and, more importantly, how many are NICE and how many are naughty, lol?  

I know extroverts are more common and life's easier for them.

Did I read that Sociopaths are about 6% of our population?

 Who else read the Sociopath next door?  Is that right?

I wonder if charming and healthy extroverts are rare, or what?

You see nice people, you see nice marriages, you see nice working relationships.....

they're out there. 

Why not for everyone on this board?

Do we keep saying... 'Oh no no no no..... I couldn't possibly' or do they never come our way or do we mistake them for something else.... like overwhelming and suffocating?

Do we have to have a lead dog.... are we capable of being lead dogs?

Could we reach out and select people, instead of waiting for them to find us?

I don't want to have to wait for them to find me, you, axa, anyone, Poppy.

And.... what if they're already there/here... but we (general) can't figure out how to overcome ourselves and let them in.... allow them to give equally?  Allow ourselves to receive. 

Are we our own road block?

This is rhetorcial but.... something to think about: /

[Poppy Seed]

1 -- Hell! I am an extrovert and life sure hasn't been easy for me.  Life  has turned me inward.  Forced me out of the main!

2 -- DITTO on the rest of your comments.

[Poppy Seed]

Is there a survey on Introverts vs Extroverts, population percentages and, more importantly, how many are NICE and how many are naughty, lol?   


By the way, I just used a curse word -- which I rarely do.    I guess that makes me NAUGHTY! 

[lighter]

Well... the "H" word IS in the bible. 

I feel much naughtier if I use the words CRAP.....

or.....

dumb ass

::nod::

God didn't say use those in the bible.... right?

For anyone wondering..... I am joking and I don't believe God wrote the bible.

[Ami]

I have a different twist to add to the relationship question.
 My inner child book says that we will always be lonely unless we first connect with ourselves. I feel very lonely inside( most of the time). Nothing outside seems to take it away. It can be a distraction ,but not a "filling" of the loneliness. The loneliness does seem internal(after the book mentioned it).
  I manage ,sometimes  to get myself "connected" to my feelings (inner child) and then I don't feel lonely. So, maybe the book is right.
   I think of all the times in my life. The ones that were external like marriage etc made me 'high",but not deeply"happy". I think that I have ONLY been deeply happy when I felt that I "had" myself.
  That is where I am going in my next stages of healing.
  I am forcing myself to learn from my inner child--- what she feels and how she perceives. I was "forced" to push her down..I kept her down b/c I was taught  that my feelings were "bad".
  My S(older) and I were discussing this ,yesterday. I told him that I feel so guilty if I have any "bad" feeling like dislike, anger,fear, annoyance etc. he said, "Mom, that is so stupid. Everyone has those feelings. I have them all the time. It is only the "actions" that you "should" feel guilty about(if you DO something wrong).
  How did he get so smart and me such an ignoramus-HUH?
  My next challenge in the healing process is to have an open and unconditionally loving connection to my inner child                                       Ami

[Lupita]

Well, just to read your words makes me feel better. Cant believe that so many good friends took the time to dedicate to write, to think, to meditate, to put so many beautiful words, the thought process displayed here by friends is so clear and so clean so intelligent!!!!!!!!
Thank you CB and lighter abd everybody who is helping me. I do not know what to say.
I am being asked by you to do things almost impossible.
I am not hallucinatng, no dilusions, my boss is racist and he showed it very clearly. He wanted to get rid of me and somebody protected me, my ex boss. He was not alone, some people were happy to see me humiliated, why? I dont know. Some were just indifferent observers. They do not care. I was alone, abandoned. That is what hurt. Develop and trggered deep feelings of abandonement and loneliness, "nobody loves me" I am not part fo any group. "family" I do not want to spend thanks giving alone.
Do not tell me to emjoy myu self on thanks giving. I am not willing.
Ami might be right. I cannot endure normal life problems, like hop says, "oh well" I feel threaten of abandonement, fear, stomach ache, nausea, it is like a PTSD, from the emotional war with my mother. It is difficult to trust. After my boss and some people who joined him, i get to school and I start seeing everybody different, I do not know who is for or against, probably indifferent, indifferent is better than against. They are not my enemies, I want to think they are not my enemies, but they have baby showers, they have parties, I am never invited, they chat together, when I appear they stop, they are professional and ask me if I need anything but they do not socialize with me. Other new teachers get friends rapidly, entered this first year and they are already invited to babyshowers, I have more than one year and have not been invited to anything. They reject me, all, that is racial. Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it and as long as they do not poison the kids or give false testimony against me, I ave to do my job and feel happy and go dancing and have fun. I know I have to, I just dont to it. Cant have fun, I wqas having fun for about four months until sexy dancing bad boy. Then new boos a*s hole, then  coworkers isolating me, then dance partners use me to practice but not to the dance. I will survive. There is a dance tomorrow.
Let see how I deal with the dance tomorrow. I will find a guy that needs help and entertain my self with that to see if at the mean time I find somebody who desires to dance with me and knows how to dance at my level. It is important to dance at my level because too low is boring and too high is scaring. Too advaced students get bored with me so, it is important to find somebody to dance with that matches your abilities. I will get better, but it will take time.
At the mean time I need to start focusing on my wirk because I am starting to get so abuished that it shows and I missing things, and making mistakes that can get me into trouble, like forgeting documents, grades, and get people mad at me, because I am sepnding too much time in my slef pity party. I know that. I will cry tonight and try to feel better tomorrow. Let us start with affirmations. Today I am going to have a glass of wine, take my anxiety medication and go to sleep.
Thank you God for the friends that talk to me. Thank youboard for being my friends
I wish I can have you in material, in human presence.
Love you.

[Ami]

Lupita,
  You are so sweet.I wish that I could hug you.                                            Love   Ami

[Lupita]

About boundaries, yesterday I saw with envy how a young lady enforced her boundaries so eacily. Partner dance "A" always pocking me in my back or my arm, it irritates me but I put up with it like for three months until I yelled at him and told him I would slap him and tell the teacher. I saw him doing the same to  this young woman, and she very calmly made a grrr sound like a mad dog with her chin up, it looked so superior, so intimidating, that he immediately withdrew his hand from her arm. It took me three months to make him leave me alone. I guess I was not very convencing in my no because eitehr I was sending mixed signals or I was weak or fear of abandonement. Abandonement. That is my constant fear. Where does that come from, my mom. She made me feel very isolated and now I fear isolation although I am always isolated.