Has anybody seen that old movie, "Citizen Kane"? All-time great movie. In the last scene of the movie, the main character played by Orson Welles, mouths the word "Rosebud" as he lay dying. After a lifetime of being an exceptionally wealthy, famous and successful person, all he could think about was the red sled he was riding as a child just before he was taken away from his parents. Even at his death, this loss of family still haunted him.
I can identify with his pain. It just seems like you can never repair or fill that hole in your heart. It amazes me that some people, siblings in particular, don't seem to have as big a hole or at least can fill it with someone else. As if one cancels out the other.
I'm also reminded of how unfair it is that the victims of Ns spend so much time agonizing over this loss, trying to come to terms with it, understand the abuse, attempt to repair and rebuild. Yet the Ns, those that caused all of this, just go on with their life as if nothing in the world is wrong. No justice at all.
It's one thing when a N isn't getting all that fresh "narcissistic supply" from their loved ones. Then the claws come out and the wrath is unleashed. But what of families where that narcissistic adoration is always in fresh supply. In my family, I have a very co-dependent dad and an equally N sister. They both are forever and always providing my N mom with the narcissistic supply she craves. They never tell her no. They never disagree with her or fail to put her on a pedestal. Those who refuse to do this because of her own evil behaviors (my brother and I) are just wiped off her radar. Complete disinterest, emotional blackmail, a commitment to ignoring us ensues. And my N mom is entirely ok with this. She is calm and even appears content as long as she is getting this supply from my dad and N sis. She will no doubt never know what it's like NOT to have that supply. Because she doesn't, she's just fine with throwing away relationships with her other two kids and grandchild. Meanwhile, we suffer. We struggle. We hurt. She'll never do any of those things.
I, too, feel guilt at not being able to be the kind of daughter I want to be. She won't allow it. It's another way for her to punish me. My N mom is fortunately healthy but I am positive that when it comes to that time, my N sister will control all the caregiving (although probably just pay for it, not do it herself). Again, it's a way to hurt me and punish me. Thankfully, my mom will be taken care of. But still there will be even more guilt and sadness. It will be just another reason to point me out to everyone she knows and say, "See, my own daughter isn't there for me." Of course, she fails to tell them that it is because she does not want me to be there, in fact refuses to let me be there. If I were there, it would have to be according to the rules and regs set up by her and my N sis. I'm sure the same will be the case with my dad.
So, it's frustrating and painful. When there is always a co-dependent partner and N child in their lives to give them that supply, they will never, ever see what they have done to their other children and significant others. They will never hurt or regret or apologize or acknowledge.
It seems the only choices are to totally disconnect or sit there and accept and take it, at least up until a point.
Somtimes the injustice and hopelessness of it all is truly overwhelming.
