Ever feel like you are living someone else's life??

[Poppy Seed]

I sometimes look at my life and I really don't like it.  No, it is more like I don't like myself living it.  Does that make any sense?  I feel like I am bound by duty a lot of times.  Not really doing what I want to do.  Not really expressing my true self in my daily activities.  And I find that I am pretending that I am happy.  Trying to convince me and everyone else around me that my life....as it is....is great!   The only problem.....is that I can't keep up the pretending anymore.

I had a two hour session with my T yesterday.  I cried and expressed how frustrated and hurt I was by the current circumstances of my life and how frustrating it felt to try so hard to  make it be happy and to fail.  I don't know if I am making any sense at all........  She said that I needed to break the boundaries and the limits I am putting on my life.  That maybe what I am doing is not what God wants for me.  That I need to discover my true calling.  Or at least find a worthy purpose.

I know that I need to stop.  In my tracks.  I need to think and literally step outside of the box.  I need a different purpose.  I need a different expression of my self.  I need new people and new experience.  I need to live somewhere else.  I need to find friends -- real ones!  I need to perhaps go back to school.  I need to buy the guitar I have been wanting for the last 15 years.  No more coping, white knuckling, smiling through tears!  No more existing and telling myself how happy I am.  I don't have to try so hard to survive anymore.  I am free to choose now.  But which way do I go?

I think I need to learn to live. 

What changes do I need to make?  Big physical changes?  Or paradigm changes? or both? 

All I can think today is prayer and fasting.  I can't do this alone.  It is scary and overwhelming and fear is my greatest foe.

[Ami]

I understand Poppy.
I am feeling more of a sense of living "my own life" since I have been doing the inner child workbook. I see that my inner child( deep self) is really a neat person.I like her.This modality seems to be taking me where you are describing. There are different modalities for different people.Many people don't sit well with the inner child one .However,as I re claim my inner child,I "understand" the Bible much more( with the heart).
I was blocking my understanding of God b/c I was blocking my feelings(inner child)
 If you will permit me, a joke that they used to say in Al Anon hit me.
  When a co-dependent dies--- someone else's life flashes before their eyes.I never got that until ,now.
  Poppy -- you will find yourself if you don't give up and keep seeking truth. It is a promise(Bible )and promises ALWAYS come true                                               Love   Ami

[lighter]

Opening new doors..... lead to other unexpected doors.

One good feeling leads to another.... taking first steps can feel like misery.... but you do it and then see where it leads.

You get used to adjusting your senses so that you stop avoiding the things you usually avoid and start embracing them.

Then they don't feel so foreign any more.

Then they start to make sense.

Maybe you pick up a painting class or go back to college?

Maybe you volunteer somewhere or take a night class on communication?

It's all a step "outside your box" isn't it?

I bet you already know some of the things that make you feel good deep down good?

But you don't often do them?

That's the way it is for me..... and I watch myself NOT do them all too often.

But I know what I need to do to feel better.

It's still hard: /

Habits and feeling small in tight little spaces in our heads..... breaking out and inviting better things isn't comfortable either, unfortunately. 

SO important to figure out how to keep our focus on positive things and forigive ourselves and go back to better things when we can.

It's different for everyone I guess.... I only know how to do it for me.... and it comes and it goes.

Two steps forward.... one step back. 

I don't beat myself up for falling short anymore. 

That certainly doesn't help so I skip it. 

I'm gentler with me.... that's huge.... to be on my own side.... encouraging rather than shaming and making myself feel like I've failed.... when there's always today and tomorrow to make better choices. 

[Poppy Seed]

You ever read any Byron Katie books?  She calls her approach "The Work".  She has a short list of questions that are designed to help you question and reframe your thinking. 

One of her questions is "Who would you be without that thought?"

It excites me......and intimidates me when I think of what I might be like without my truck load of unwanted thoughts!


Thanks Lighter.  Thanks!!

[lighter]

I think I've seen CB ask that question somewhere on this board. 

It is scary.... isn't it? 

A very big WOW....

must give that some thought.

You sound better ((Pops))

It always gets better..... that's something I;ve made peace with.  I don't fear that things won't get better any more.  No matter how bad I feel..... I know I'll be happy to be alive again soon... I just have to do my best and try to make better moves... till it comes: )

[Poppy Seed]

I do feel better.  After my last T session, it feels like a few big things seemed to have let go of me.  I feel more capable.  I feel more able to walk into my self and my ways.  And I am starting to think that God is pushing me or forcing me out of my status quo in order to force the real me from captivity!  It is so scary.  It feels like being pushed off the diving board or pushed out of the airplane.  I am sure I will say thanks!  I needed that!

Today I took some dinner to a neighbor.  Their 18 month old daughter experienced a collapsed lung and they had to rush her to the local children's hospital.  I had to help organize the effort a little.  It felt good not to be so fearful.  It felt good to give without feeling so much shame about it and the mistakes I make.  I told myself that I was going to go forward with the task.  No second guessing self.  No holding back my light out of fear.  I decided to try acting without all my shameful thoughts.  I really worked.  I came home smiling and helped my partner at the same time.  (We all have a partner in my church and we are assigned certain families to watch over.  So, when bad stuff happens we are the first from the church to arrive to give aid.  My partner seemed so glad I was there.) This is part of my life that is so important to me.  Service!!  I haven't really done much for about a year.  Maybe that is ok.  I really needed the time to heal.  I refuse to hold guilt about it.  But now I feel like I am getting a little traction.  I gave myself permission to really move into my house.  I have unpacked a thing or two.  And I painted the girls room and let my girls decorate it how they wanted.  It feels like my personality is starting to meld with my space.  I also finished my master bedroom which now feels like I belong there.   I am working on the office and the living room next.  It feels good to allow myself this settling into my life.  Although, I admit it is such baby steps.  Does this make any sense????  I am so tired with holding myself back.  So sick of the fear I will do it wrong.  Man, that is just SO unlike me.  My marriage has really messed me up in this way!  I can't wait to start being ME and embracing life without  the "can't" list.

Pops

[lighter]

That all makes sense to me, Poppy.

I understand and I get things done on the house then stall for a while.  Lots feels like home now but... still not finished and I wonder where the energy went, when it goes: /

It made my heart very warm to read about your partner and how your church helps it's members.

What a wonderful idea..... it also takes us out of our own heads..... the service part of our lives.

Wonderful, Post Poppy: )

[wiltay]

Poppy,  I'm in a very similar place.  I've spent my entire life disenfranchising myself, always putting my own needs and wants aside for others and living vicariously through other people without even realizing it.   Dr. Grossman's Little Voices article is so 'me.'  From a relatively happy person I've become that bitter and resentful person he describes (much like my M became).  Now I'm finally realizing that I have to STAKE A CLAIM to my own life and constantly reaffirm my rights to it.  It is amazing how much guilt, fear and shame are attached to doing this but I can't let all this FOO nonsense stop me because it is simply BS!  The reasons I learned this behavior no longer exist and the sky falling in just doesn't happen when I assert this right in this moment.  It's very simple, but it's not that easy of course to defy the conditioning.  I usually feel tremendous anxiety for awhile and then it goes away and I feel good, with a better outlook on everything.  To live your own life, you just have to start living it.

     Try starting out with the simple assumption that IT IS YOUR LIFE. Don't question it and don't let other people question it because IT IS A GIVEN.  Just start living your life with this calm, simple, unquestioned assumption and you might be amazed at the doors opening up in your mind.  When I have the presence of mind to do this it really works and it builds on itself and is easier the next time.  l think you have to anticipate other people feeling threatened and perhaps downright hostile to your new assertiveness and my response to that is to look them in the eye like they're crazy (which they are) and in need of some help (which they usually do).  So don't look to other people to affirm you until you give it to yourself first.  You deserve all the happiness you seek Poppy!  I hope this helps a little.
Bill

[Poppy Seed]

Thank you for posting, Bill.  I am amazed myself at how much fear and shame are attached to these very actions.  And you are right too, that the things that created this shame are no longer present.  So, on I go with the undoing of all that conditioning.  Thank you for understanding.  I think I am trying to maintain the courage to simply start living it.  I have slowly been shedding all the reasons I "can't" move forward.  I now feel less fear of the reactions of others.  I feel more ability to run through the fear like a field with flying bullets and get to the other side and realize the guns were filled with blanks!! Just noisey, not deadly. 

Thank you for posting to me.  I needed this today.

Poppy

[isittoolate]

I have never felt that I was liviing someone else's life, but I have felt pretty weird on my own, as though I am not me, but who?

Today is a VERY good example as I felt spaced out of my mind.

I was yarding along thinking that I was wearing just sweat pants. with no underwearand. so no car better hit me, but that I did tho have panty of the hose part and 1 leg only  on my good leg and wearing one shoe. (Last time out I forgot the shoe part.

My head was telling me crazy things like this eye pain was in place of the leg pain and ---what was my name?
I went to the bank for work and first off (I know the teller) told the teller I was crazy today, so I had her double-check rhe transfer slip I did, in case I was wrong.
Then to the grocery store and had to ask where to find the bread and meat (I had forgotten) There was my bank teller ahead of me in the 15 items or less and I grabbed her bananas, as I thought she had taken mine--but she didn't. We all laughed. Then it was me and I asked for cigs and all was bagged and I asked her to hang the bags on my chair back (I always do it,) then she came running with my cigs.
Then on to mail a letter. I found the Out-of-town slot without asking
Then to the bank and the ATM wouldn't work until I finally read--in front of me--- this machine is out of service---- so I moved over to the next one and all was okay.
Had two more stores to go to, before coming home to work.
Nearly left my goodies at one store and as I was footandahalfing it along a nice looking guy, 40s walked out of a store and hop, stepped and jumped around my feet. I cautioned him that "I could have KILLED him!". He had a waiting friend and the two of them roared, as I think I looked like I couldn't kill a fly.

I speeded up and into last store where purse contents spilled on floor, and my change and crap--(I never carry cigs in my purse, no room--- a guy helped) then I reached a  corner and the ramped curb was lumpy and everything  on my lap fell. Another old man helped. I think I am old.
An old man helped me and I made it up the stree to my place wondering "What the Hell? I got into the building but spilled everything again in the elevator.

I am not that stupid and clumsy. I think the poison in my eye has hit my brain.

I should be in bed!

Who wants my life? Free to anyone!!

Izzy

[Ami]

I am sorry, Izzy. What a hard day.
((((((((((((((((((((Izzy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))                                              Love   Ami

[teartracks]

Iz,

Are you eating your bananas?  Potassium depletion, maybe?

tt

[isittoolate]

Thanks Ami

No tt

Potassium is okay. I was just checked.
It is the eye infection and it is pounding pain into my head so much I don't feel like me, although it is a week now (tomorrrow) and I ought to be on the mend.

I nodded off at my desk....for how long I don't know... and feel far better now, and I sure have been sleeping well at nights, even before I went for the medication (Sunday)`

Thanks for thinking of me
Izzy

[Overcomer]

I think the REAL me is emerging.  I am the life of the party.  I am outspoken and fun.  But I had that girl hidden under some rule to protect my moms image.  Anyway I am seeing my mom turn that way too.  Someone said to her that she was acting like her daughter and she replied WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE GETS IT?  That was a good day.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I think that it is wonderful that you are finding the 'real" you. I think that living life as our 'true" selves would be an exciting ,adventurous and fun life. That is one of my goals-- to find my true self and live from it.
  When you said that you were outgoing,I was not surprised, I picture you as outgoing and friendly.
 How do you feel inside when you are feeling like "you'?                     Love  Ami