Author Topic: Here we go again!  (Read 2367 times)

Tokyojim

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Here we go again!
« on: May 15, 2004, 12:38:19 AM »
I have mentioned in other posts in the past that I have a "friend" of nearly 40 years who is clinically NPD.  No doubt about it.  He lives in another state, and phone calls kept increasing.

About 3 months ago, I drew the line.  I clearly stated that I will not listen to his fantasies but only to what he has actually done.  Second, I will not listen to his telling me what I should do with my life (through projections) and analyzing my motives.  I stated all of this in clear behavioral terms and was gentle but clear and firm and clearly stated that I enjoy the conversations but to simply stop the above.  I was prepared to summarily hang up without further discussion if he started.  He sensed this and ended the conversation.

Well, something economically quite spectacular happened in his life, and he had to call to tell me.  He ranted for at least 15-20 minutes about his good fortune.  The intensity and pace at which he rants is absolutely incredible; have you noticed that with Ns?  He then told me how terrible it was that I "cut him off" from contact when he was having a hard time.  Within seconds after I started to say something related to that, he said he has no time to talk because he is so busy preparing things related to his good fortune.

He probably is attempting revenge and a put down for N supply.  After he settles down, he will contact me again.  I can read him like a book.

Dawning

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Here we go again!
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2004, 04:42:49 AM »
Hi Tokyojim,

When he contacts you again, could you maybe tell him that you would appreciate it if he would listen to what you had to say as well .  I wonder if that would sink in.   Maybe he is using you as a sounding board because he thinks of you as a confidant and someone he trusts and wants to share his good (and bad?) news with.  Just wondering.  Or maybe email communication would work better with him.   :?:
"No one's life is worth more than any other...no sister is less than any brother...."

Anonymous

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Re: Here we go again!
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2004, 10:21:25 AM »
Quote from: Tokyojim
About 3 months ago, I drew the line.  I clearly stated that I will not listen to his fantasies but only to what he has actually done.  Second, I will not listen to his telling me what I should do with my life (through projections) and analyzing my motives.  I stated all of this in clear behavioral terms and was gentle but clear and firm and clearly stated that I enjoy the conversations but to simply stop the above.  I was prepared to summarily hang up without further discussion if he started.  He sensed this and ended the conversation.

Well, something economically quite spectacular happened in his life, and he had to call to tell me.  He ranted for at least 15-20 minutes about his good fortune.  The intensity and pace at which he rants is absolutely incredible; have you noticed that with Ns?  He then told me how terrible it was that I "cut him off" from contact when he was having a hard time.  Within seconds after I started to say something related to that, he said he has no time to talk because he is so busy preparing things related to his good fortune.


You told him you would summarily hang up on him when he ranted but you let him rant for 15-20 min. What happened?

I'm wondering if he suffers from bipolar disorder and phoned you during a manic state. Probably he needed his doctor.

bunny

Tokyojim

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Here we go again!
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2004, 01:55:54 PM »
Dawning and Bunny,

Thank you for your comments and ideas.

The N worked outside of the "limits" I set for him, because he only spoke about an economic success he had.  It was not yet about grandiose fantasies.  It bordered on those (he barely began about all the incredible adventures he was about to start), but he restrained himself.

Yes, he is using me as a sounding board to share his good news with, and I am glad to do that as a friend.  I can understand when someone gets great news, like a new job, a birth, moving, etc., and they want to talk about it.  He sold his house for a great deal of money.  So, he will rant about this for months now.  Soon, it will lead into fantasies about what he is going to do (but will never do).  In the meantime, as a good N, he will turn the conversation to his new fortune.  It is a great reason to again focus on himself.

This is where Ns may be like the boy who cried wolf.  My other friend had his first child 3 months ago, and he talks incessantly about him.  But he is normal, and there has been give-and-take over the years, so I am happy to listen to descriptions about the "goo-goo" and little smiles and postpose talking about myself.  But the N has been demanding attention constantly, and now this is just one more thing.  It is a big thing for anyone, but I am sick of it.

I probably should just deal with things as they come, but I see it coming.  After his excitement dwindles a bit, he will start talking about two things - First, the international adventures that he will have with the beautiful jet-set that will invite him to the fabulous parties and the young women who will throng to see him.  Next, he will indirectly tell me that I should be living like he will, insinuating that I should give up my dull life and job and follow him into this exciting lifestyle.

I have a small hope that I can keep the restrains on his conversation, but probably not....  I have a small hope that he will see that he is not what he thinks he is and get a somewhat realistic attitude and self-acceptance.  I find it ironic that I am sometimes doing what he fantasizes, but he never refers to it.  For example, he talks about the international life.  He has never left the U.S. and has little education.  In the past year and one-half, I made five trips abroad.  I dabble in two foreign languages and am fluent in another.  I was just interested in this and do not find it a point of bragging or status or anything like that.  He finds that just by fantasizing about such trips that he has "James Bond" status.  What I am trying to say is that I AM PISSED OFF!!  Just speak to me like a human being, will ya???

Excuse my ranting and raging.....

Anonymous

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Here we go again!
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2004, 05:11:18 PM »
Quote from: Tokyojim
The N worked outside of the "limits" I set for him, because he only spoke about an economic success he had.  It was not yet about grandiose fantasies.  It bordered on those (he barely began about all the incredible adventures he was about to start), but he restrained himself.


I don't think he senses the fine line of your limits. He knows you will hear him out.


Quote from: Tokyojim
Yes, he is using me as a sounding board to share his good news with, and I am glad to do that as a friend.


You didn't sound too glad.

Are you prepared for the escalation that you're expecting?

bunny

Tokyojim

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Here we go again!
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2004, 06:13:10 PM »
Bunny,

You are right.  I am not glad because the last phone call was a reminder - the incredible intensity and frenetic pace of speaking, and the self-centeredness of it all.

Maybe I am not really prepared.  I do not like confrontations, but can do so if pushed.  I want to enjoy life and not become agitated and waste my time.

This forum helped a lot.  The last time I began writing here, I was in the process of formulating a plan of revenge.  I cooled down and got some good, common-sense ideas from the members here.

I think that Ns give the message, usually indirectly, that "you better go along with my agenda, or I will make you feel like.....," by insults, abandonment or innuendo.  They push right to the edge but sometimes go over the line.

Anonymous

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Here we go again!
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2004, 08:45:22 PM »
Hi Tokyojim;  yup, he's really pushing your buttons again!! :D

Surf