Ami,
I know if I read any of Shunned's posts, but I think I did read a few. I've been reading a lot of the articles that are being posted. I just haven't been commenting much. I've been keeping a sort of "Therapy" journal on my blog, posting my feelings and then working through countering the negativity.
My goal and greatest desire in life is to be whole.I was thinking ,last night, about a great relationship with a man. i would want one,of course,but I want to be whole within myself so,so,so much more than anything else.
I understand this goal, and I've always wanted to have a relationship I felt loved and cherished and I didn't always have to be "on." I wanted someone who could accept me like I was, without conditions and without forcing me to change. Those are things my family has done to me, and I don't like it. Not long after I moved, I realized I'm just not at the stage of my life where I'm ready for a relationship. Friendship, yes, anything more no. I don't really know what my goal is now. So much of my life is spent just surviving and getting through the day, that I forget what my goals are. I've been going to write them down, write down each little step to get to the big goal, and I haven't done that yet.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I"m just rambling. I've done some of the exercises in the books I've read. I think this one is from the controlling parents book. I just read through it and realized I"ve rather fallen off track and it's time to get back on track. I'll post my answers here, maybe you could try this. It helps to put things in perspective, I think.
Sorry, if I'm not being much help here.
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I am not responsible . . . .
For my mother's rages and unpredictable behavior.
For my feeling unloved.
For my feeling worthless.
For my mother's financial irresponsibility.
Her problems
Their happiness.
Their anger.
Their pain.
Their suffering.
For helping my mother heal.
My mother's abusive childhood.
For making my mother fat.
Making her miserable.
Stealing her life and dreams.
For my dad not standing up to her.
I am angry because. . . . .
I never felt loved.
No one ever listened to me.
I was never good enough.
I was never pretty enough.
Nothing I did was ever right.
Mom stole money and credit from me.
She never apologized.
She lied about doing it.
She tried to cover everything up.
She would have let me be arrested or my wages garnished without explanation.
I was never perfect.
My grades were never good enough.
No one believed in me.
No one encouraged my interests and hobbies, or they did, but support came with strings.
She never loved me without conditions.
She doesn't respect my boundaries.
She tells my son lies about things I've said or done.
She tells my son I will do things to him like abandon him.
My father let her get away with it.
My father watched.
My father knew what she was doing and never said anything.
We never talked. We were expected to stay silent.
I never had a voice. I was always too young to understand.
I still feel worthless and unloved.
She thinks I'm a terrible parent.
I was kept isolated.
She criticized everything I did and I always came up short.
No one ever made her get help.
I will no longer . . . .
Allow my mother to control my life.
Let my mother talk me into decisions that feel wrong.
Listen to my mother's lies.
Live in silence.
Be trapped in a prison of her making.
Let my mother tell me how to raise my son
Let my parents treat me like a child. I am an adult. I can make adult decisions.
Allow my mother steal from me. She will no longer steal money, credit or happiness from me.
I am grieving because I never had the family dynamic I wanted. I loved my father. He was always a gentle, steady presence. He was always there for me, but he still let my mom say and do things to me she should never have done. I am grieving because I will never have the relationship with my mother that I always wanted. We will never be close, never share secrets, never sit and talk about life. I am letting go of the fantasy I have held onto that one day I would have that relationship. I am accepting the reality that we will never be friends. I am letting go of my fantasies. I am absolving myself of the guilt I feel, because I was not responsible for their actions or their hurtful words. May these illusions rest in peace.
As an adult, in my relationship with my parents, I am responsible for . . .
becoming a separate individual from them.
looking honestly at my relationship with them.
facing the truth about my childhood.
having the courage to acknowledge the connections between events of my childhood and my childhood and my adult life.
gaining the courage to express my real feelings to them.
confronting and diminishing the power and control that they have over my life.
changing my own behavior when it is cruel, hurtful, critical, or manipulative.
finding the appropriate resources to help me heal my inner child.
reclaiming my adult power and confidence.
