The saga of my life, continued from yesterday

[lighter]

Ummmm... maybe if M does love his little friend a little too hard..... you could get him a ginney pig next time?

Sturdier stuff, GP's are.

[tayana]

Lighter . . . I said no to the guinea pig, which is what he wanted to start with, because of space, and it was just the right size for a good doggie chase and snack.  I figured that's the last thing he wants to see.  Now the dog is very curious about the hamster, and I tell M to be very careful, although the dog has sniffed and licked the hamster, so we'll see how that goes.  It's a teeny little thing.

She looks like this:

http://www.hamsterhideout.com/breedschinese.html

Dark gray though, not light.

[sally]

Axa, no one really believes me when I tell them.  They think I'm overreacting, but they don't understand.  They don't understand how much disapproval you can hear in non-verbal language, or tone of voice, or the flick of an eyebrow.  They don't know how scary it is.  At least here people understand.

Tay,

I think you have written the first stanza of the anthem of the Voicelessness board!  Seriously, I think you have expressed an aspect of the essence of N survivorship in a nutshell.

Congratulations on day 6 (7?) of NC.  The NC is like giving up an addiction that damages our health.  You crave it, but when you get it, you realize how destructive it is to you.

  It is very hard work, because there's a part of me that really wants to talk to them, but I know the first thing out of my mom's mouth will be, "Well, I didn't think you wanted to talk to me."  Or "Did you finally decide to call?  That phone works two ways."  Or "I thought maybe you'd died."  I don't want to listen to that.

Tay, I know exactly what you mean:  the mixed feelings, the unfounded expectation, the misplaced hope  that we could feel better if we spoke to our Ns and then we speak to them and the disappointment sets in, the "why did I call them, I knew it would be like this-BLEH".  Damned if you do talk to them & damned if you don't.

Keep going girl, you're doing Great!

love,
sally

[tayana]

Today is day 7 of NC.  It is like an addiction, and knowing the sort of sickness contact will bring, I don't want it.  Yet at the same time I still crave it.

Axa, no one really believes me when I tell them.  They think I'm overreacting, but they don't understand.  They don't understand how much disapproval you can hear in non-verbal language, or tone of voice, or the flick of an eyebrow.  They don't know how scary it is.  At least here people understand.

Tay,

I think you have written the first stanza of the anthem of the Voicelessness board!  Seriously, I think you have expressed an aspect of the essence of N survivorship in a nutshell.

Sally, wow!  Thanks.  I'm glad that comment made sense.  Thanks for all of the encouragement.

[lighter]

It does look like a rat, lol.

Just curiouse.... why not one of those ponderously round little waddling hampsters?

[tayana]

Well, the lady at the pet store recommended this one because it was gentle, and he made his own choice.

[Hopalong]

Tay...

I am amazed
that there is a National Hamster Council.

Hammy's cute!

And I'm more amazed at your grit.
Good for you, for enduring the discomfort.

Holding on to your new resolve, your new hope, right through discomfort
is a huge achievement.

hugs
Hops

[tayana]

Hops,

Do you think so?  It's actually really nice coming home and not being on pins and needles until The Call.  I've considered writing or calling after I've decided what my boundaries are, but right now I'm enjoying this. 

I didn't know there was a National Hamster Council either.  The rat does seem to be doing well.  She likes carrots, lettuce and celery.  I'm glad there's someone else in this house besides me that likes veggies.  We've got to make a trip to the pet store for a different wheel this weekend.  The one that came with the cage doesn't work very well.  Hammy's actually very sweet too.  She gives kisses.

[Hopalong]

Awww.

That's really neat.

I sense you're lightening up on yourself a trifle, eh?
ENJOYING something??????

Yay, Tay!

Hang right on. It is going to get EASIER after a month or so,
just take it a day at a time.

SO impressed and happy for you,
Hops

[tayana]

And if you don't watch her she'll give you some love nips too.  It doesn't really hurt though.

Maybe, just a little lighter.  I have to admit that I like the rat.  M does a good job of taking care of her. 

I don't know how long NC is actually going to last before M decides he wants to see his grandma, but hopefully by then, I'll decide why my boundaries are and I can stand up to her.  I was just doing this interesting exercise about the victim role.  One of the questions is do I ask for people to meet my needs, and the answer is no.  I have to learn to do that.

[lighter]

Honestly, Tay.....

if I'd learned these lessons at your age.....

you're just way ahead of the game, compared to where I was, figuring these things out.

[Iphi]

Hammy is very cute and kisses too. 

Psst if you turn off the ringer in the evenings you will be blissfully unconcerned about whether a Call comes or not and the NM will have to leave a message if she can stand to do so (give up control to such an extent).     Then you can take your sweet time deciding about responding.  Well, this is my approach anyway.

Asking for assistance or to meet my needs is a huge one for me also and prompts me to share that it has come to a boil with having a baby.  So embarrassing - it makes me angry to ask for things - so dysfunctional.  I've had to apologize many times because it's my baggage.    You've got company tay.

[tayana]

Iphi,  I have a terrible time asking for help, even for silly things that I don't really know how to do.  I'll spend hours figuring out how to fix something myself, rather than calling support or asking someone else. 

I labored for a long time over whether or not to start seeing my T, in fact, even though that has helped me immensely.  I just didn't want to ask for help.

I think it's normal when we grow up in a dysfunctional home that we learn to rely on ourselves because our families can't be trusted.  I have huge trust issues.  I also have problems with intimacy of any sort.  I really have to work on giving hugs and kisses and being affectionate, because my family just wasn't like that.  My mother rarely hugged me, and my father almost never did.

[Iphi]

I have to say that I've gotten good about getting help from strangers and professionals, though it used to be so painful, but at an intimate level - is where the problems lie.  Terrible difficulties in friendships - just being forthcoming and stuff.  I almost prefer to just have positive experiences with acquaintances than get into rocky stuff at closer levels of relationship.  Almost.  My H just loves affection and that makes it much easier to give it, as I always wanted to.  I love to give affection, but of course the rejection and disgust reaction from family is so devastating.  I almost couldn't believe he reacted positively to my affection.  Over time it's been very healing.  I hope you and M allow yourselves to positively give and receive affectionate gestures.  It's good for ya!

[Sela]

Hiya Tayana,

Read through this whole thread and I'm impressed.  7 whole days and N/C!  How does it feel? 

How about these responses:

Ma:   "Well, I didn't think you wanted to talk to me."

Tay:  "I didn't.  I'm an adult.  I don't need to talk to you so often.  I'm ok.  You're ok."


Or Ma:  "Did you finally decide to call?  That phone works two ways."

Tay:  "Yep.  I know how the phone works and I choose when to use it.  It's working well for me.  How is it working for you?"



Or Ma:   "I thought maybe you'd died."

Tay:  "Nope.  Hope you're not disappointed. (chuckle)"


The main thing is maybe.........to keep cool, light, be easy about it.  It's no big deal.  People go much longer periods without speaking to eachother with no ill effects.  They get busy.  Maybe you can practice sounding unconcerned and even glad to hear from her?  Freak her out by not jumping through her hoops (by not getting defensive or reacting to her words).  Not easy but you can do it!!

Hey!  Nobody died!!  Maybe she'll surprise you and be pleasant when she does call?   Enjoy the peace and extra energy you have without her constant picking.  Maybe you can tell her you've had a pleasant week and accomplished much (without giving details), that you hardly noticed how time has passed?   That you figgered she must be busy too?

Sela