The saga of my life, continued from yesterday

[Ami]

Dear Iphi,
   Close relationships are very hard for me( especially woman). Men friends are not AS hard.I just have been so programmed by my M that a woman is going to "knife" me.
  This whole thing with Maria has really really helped me..
  I was very real. She saw my good and bad. Then I decided to trust myself -midstream- and it still worked out( with the help of all of you)
  I think that the reason that I am afraid of intimacy is b/c I don't know who I am enough.I don't feel like I can be there for myself when outside pressure comes. I feel like I will let the other person control and/or define me.Then I will have to run away b/c I don't know what to do next.
  My lack of my own willingness to be "me" no mater what or who is around is the problem-- not any other person.
 Fear of intimacy is an inside "job" (IMO) --not an outside  one. That is my take,anyway.   Love   Ami

[tayana]

Sela, she won't be pleasant.  She can nurse a grudge like you wouldn't believe.  I just happen to be on the grudge list.  It's really very sad.  If I go back and kiss her feet, then she'll forgive me.  I'm just refusing to do that.  It'll be hard to be light and pleasant.  I was thinking about calling today, it's day 8 of no contact, but the thought made me a little sick, so I decided not to.  I like your answers though. 

Ami, I  manage to have one close friendship at a time, it seems.  The most I've ever had has been two or three.  I do better with women than men, although I work better with men than women.  It makes no sense, but I don't do well with female bosses and colleagues.  I read where people who are afraid of intimacy never really received it as children, and that seems to be true.  I'm not quite sure why I'm afraid of it; I'm very self conscious for one.  I'm very ashamed to say that I have never had a real love relationship, and I'd be petrified of going on a date.  I think it's that self conscious behavior that gets in the way.  I worry about how I look, how I chew, how I talk, etc.  It takes a while for me to get to a level where I feel comfortable with intimacy.

[lighter]

tay..... I'm so glad you didn't call your mother.

I'm not sure where you're headed with this break from her.....

but I (not so secretly) hope it's permanent.

At least..... for you.  Maybe you have little visits for M's sake.... like at Holidays but I can imagine the cost of such gatherings and they aren't worth it, IMO.

It's not like you're losing unconditional love, affection and mommy food.

That's not the case.

And....... I sometimes really worry about how your Mum's behavior affects M.

Sometimes, the best of our intentions just set us up for damages we can't see clearly.

I think she's done damage to M.

I think M will be better off without her.

I think you'll be better off without her.

Have Holiday's with your brother......

I know this sounds extreme but..... I throw it out there and you can make your decisions, like the big girl you are.

(((tay)))  ::continuing to be amazed by your strength::

[tayana]

Lighter,

I'm not sure where I'm headed with this break either.  At the moment, I'm enjoying the silence.  I was making a list this morning, before M got up, of things I wanted to buy, things that could be near future purchases and things I'd like to get someday. 

I don't know that this break will be permanent.  I do know that I'm trying to decide how much or how little contact I want to have with my mom.  M sort of shook me up last night because he wanted to go out to the other house to get some things, and I don't want to go.  I'm still thinking about the storage unit idea, at least then, we could go get things whenever we wanted without me becoming a basket case.

I know she's done damage to M.  She did everything for him, and now he has this idea that he can't do anything on his own.  His self esteem has taken a major blow.  She sees everything she's done as loving and helpful, but her help has been damaging.  Like when I was having major problems at work and she took to calling my boss to tell him my job was making me sick.  She thinks she's helping, but she's not.  No matter how many times I tell her she's not helping me, she continues along the same road.  She'll never change.  I'm hoping I can wean M off of needing her so much so I don't have to see her.

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
  I had a strong 'gut" reaction to reading your last post. It is that you as the M have to decide what is in his( M's) best interest.He can't decide it b/c he is not mature enough.
  This is a simple example but my S(younger) was in first grade.I found out that the teacher did not even know Phoenics( she was young). I went through a lot of trouble( the principal was angry at me) to move my S  in to another class with an older teacher who knew Phoenics.
 My S was very,very angry at me. I can still remember his little face. He loved that first teacher. To this day,he never learned Phoenics enough to be able to learn another language well. I got 'Hooked on Phoenics  --but he still has a deficit from that first grade teacher.
   Anyway,my point(obviously) is that you have to decide what amount of contact is in M's best interest----if any. This will be the  hard part. Perhaps, you may have to explain the "whole "truth about your mother to M. Kids always know more truth than even adults do.(often)
   I think that M should not be the leader in the contact issues--- even for himself.Also, any truth about life situations is always better than lies( age appropriate  --of course).
  Anyway ,that is what hit me when I read it.Compost what is not right for you.  Love  Ami

[tayana]

M is not happy with me because I wouldn't go get something from the other house.  I don't want to go out there, so I'm still trying to decide how much/how little I want to be around my parents.  I'm leaning towards not much.

So, I'm not really letting him dictate when we go or when we don't, but I am hearing a lot of whining.  My M didn't want me to bring too many of his things, so when she "helped' me pack, she packed up boxes and boxes of books (a lot of which were taken to the library) but none of the things M played with, mistakenly thinking he was going to be spending a lot of time with her.  Well, he didn't, so things have slowly started to come home with lots of protests from my mom.  I'm trying to make a rule that when new things come in, other things have to go out to be donated, sold or otherwise.  One of the advantages of moving is that I can eliminate a lot of clutter.

I'm totally off topic here.  That's what I spent my morning doing, listing things to sell in my shop.  I'm going to do Ebay items tomorrow. 

I think M does have an idea that something is going on.  He might not understand completely, but he definitely knows something isn't right.  Ultimately, I'm the one with the car, and I don't want to drive to my parent's house this weekend, maybe I'll decide this week what boundaries I feel comfortable with, what I want to ask for, and what I can handle.  When I decide that, then I'll call and talk to my mom.  Not before.

Today is day 9 of no contact.

[lighter]

Tay.... I've heard some positive things about Craig's List to sell things too.

M needs his stuff.

How smart of you to come up with plan to clear out clutter as you bring in things he really wants.

You should go ahead and deal with that end of your problem...... getting your things.  How much is there?

Can you get it in in one trip?

Can your brother store it in his basement maybe?  It's not like you haven't been shouldering the majority of your parent's burdens, time for him to help you a bit, IMO.

Can he go and get the damned boxes himself too? 

Can you go over there when your mother is doing something out side of the house?

You sound so much better when you don't have to keep going over her words and actions daily.

[tayana]

Lighter, I so wish I could get all of my crap in one trip . . . the worst of it is.  I don't even want most of it.  I think my goal is going to be to have it all out by the first of the year, or at least everything I really want.  I can't even describe how much stuff there is.  There's a lot of things that were to be sold, but I was never allowed to sell things, so its been shoved in a closet or whatever.

I don't think my brother has room to store my stuff.

My mother only leaves the house to go to the doctor, and I never know when that is.  She's always there, like some sort of spider waiting for a fly in its web.  I try to get stuff when I go out there, but I'd love to go without M and the dog and just pack my car as full as I can, get all of the things I want, and she can have the rest.

Do you know she even made me give back a basket that was my grandmother's?  It had my music books in it, and she made me give it back because it was an antique.  She didn't want me to ruin it because it was a split oak, buttocks basket.  She gave it to me because I didn't have anything that belonged to my dad's mom.  I was so hurt.  I wasn't planning to get rid of the basket.  I just wanted to take it home.

[lighter]

I think I'd get that buttocks basket  back from her and keep it.

Indian giver that she is..... she can't just give things then take them away bc she's angry at you. 

I mean.... you don't have to let her. 

You deserve something from your grandmother.

 It was wrong and cruel of her to take it but she got what she wanted. 

She wanted you to feel the way you do.

I think you go in, sans dog and M, fill your car with what you really must have then tell her to deal with the rest.  Or even better, just don't go back or mention the stuff ever again.  Let her keep it and you can go through it when she's passed away.  Take what you want then. 

That sounde awful I know..... but I think I wanted it to sound horrendous! 

How dare she?!??

The NERVE!!

::calming a bit::

Go get M's most cherished things...... the things you really want.....

::whispering:: yes, the basket too.... then never go back.

I think you'd feel freedom and weights lifted. 

I can imagine you going through those closets and boxes and thinking the entire time.... 'this is the last time I have to listen to your mouth, look at your face or interpret your wicked thoughts, mother'

I envision you leaving a messy trail of boxes and packing stuff to your car, with an empty promise to be back very soon to deal with the balance of the stuff. 

Your mother makes me very ornery..... so I'll stop there. 

You have enough troubles without having to read my demented suggestions, which I hope you'll at least consider, lol.....; )

[tayana]

Lighter, you don't know how close I am to renting a truck, backing it up to her front door and loading it up with some help from my son's father.  We've been talking in the last couple of years, and we've tentatively agreed to meet in a couple of weeks.  I've forgiven him for being an ass, he's been supportive and offered what help he could, including help moving.  I'm so tempted.

That's not all she asked for back, before I moved, she wanted back a ring she'd asked me to put in my internet shop.  I'd made her a necklace and she wanted a minor change done, but I hadn't had time to fix it.  So she said she'd fix it herself and wanted that back.  She gave me two quilts, but said she wanted one back after I decided which one to use.  Then she told my father that the jewelry I was supposed to get when she died, she wanted him to sell to pay for her burial.  She's already said she doesn't want a funeral and just wants to be cremated, that can't cost much.  I'll even pay for it.

[lighter]

I LOVE THE TRUCK idea and I wouldn't even grunt if you had M's father helping: /

Where would you put everything and when can you get the truck?

Anyway..... it costs a bit, even to have someone creamated.

If I was you.... I'd suggest that she donate her body to science and do the world some good when she goes.  That's how I intend to handle my departure, so it's not like I'm suggesting something over the top.  Costs a lot less than anything else too

Tay... how are the conversations going with M's father?  I'm curiouse... I didn't know you were in contact.

As for the jewelry you were supposed to get.... she'll probably just torture you with that as an empty threat.  You can always offer to buy the jewelry from your father, if he's a big of a weenie to follow that rediculous order?


Bloody unforgivable behavior, esp from a mother and father. 

Of course, at some point you will forgive. 

Now...... back to what you'll do with that stuff, until you can unload it.  I SAY>..... find a consignment shop and ask when they accept things.  Line up the truck on that day and have them expecting you. 

You can cull out what you're keeping in the parking lot and it's about damned time that daddy help.

Don't you have a storage space at your apartment?  Time to figure out what you're getting rid of in your home and make room for the things coming in.  Take it all to the consigment shop. 

What a relief to have that off your plate, eh?

[tayana]

Lighter, don't know where everything would go.  I do have a storage space, but it's pretty small.

It can't cost as much as a burial and funeral.  She doesn't want to donate her body.  She said there was too much wrong with it for that.  I think that's what i'd like to do.

The coversations with M's father are going pretty well.  We're supposed to have a face to face meeting in a few weeks, just for lunch.  When he first started contacting me, I told him off.  I started rethinking things later on and contacted him again.  We've been talking, over email, since.  He's not offering much in the way of support right now, he's sort of letting me decide what I'm comfortable with.

You know, I don't really care about the jewelry. It's just the sentiment that makes me mad.  I don't like the jewelry.

No, I don't think I will forgive.

I don't know what to do with the stuff.  I could sell some of it, I suppose, but it all has to be gone through.  I don't really want to do it.  There's some things I want, and the rest I really don't care about.  I'd like to have the rest of my books, M's stuff, and the rest of things from my room and the bathroom.  That's it.

It would be a relief, then I wouldn't have to talk to her.

[lighter]

By 'donate'.... I meant donate it to science.

Med students.....

Poking about to see what went wrong..... how it looks up close?

I guess she'd end up at the nearest University.

I didn't mean give sight to a blind child or a new chance for life to a young mother of 3   Who'd wanna do something like that?

I'm a donor, btw.

So..... schedule the truck for a day and sort it out in the parking lot of a consignment shop on days they accept new items.

A good shop should help you unload and price it for you.... send you checks once a month. 

Gone.... off your plate...  nice.

The other things..... the books etc.  Sort through and keep what you want.  Make your storage bin a maybe pile, perhaps? 

Is it time for some new shelving systems at the apartment?

Maybe the consignment shop will have just what you need, when you check them out?

You can store stuff under beds?  There are containers that fit under beds with frames and little risers to put inder the frames if still not high enough.

Think ahead and be ready when this happens.

I want you to enjoy having the things you want and not be so overwhelmed by it.

Shelving, under bed storage.... more racks for closets?  Get creative.... think about it way ahead.....

90% research.... 10% execution.


I bet IKEA has some great (cheap) items that would give you some solutions and ideas!

[tayana]

My grandmother donated her body to science, but my mom even made a comment the other day that they wouldn't want her body because there was so much wrong with it.  She wanted to be cremated and have her ashes scattered where her dog was buried.  Actually, it was my dog, but everyone forgets that.

I love, love Ikea, only we don't have an actual store here, which is probably a good thing.  I've bought shelves and that sort of thing for the apartment, spent way too much money on that sort of stuff.  Containers shelves, etc. 

I have to think about this some more.  My mom wants me to go out there and take all of the stuff out of the one closet because they don't want to heat the upstairs, even though it's all open and they can only close the two vents.  Silly huh. 

[lighter]

Your mom wants you over there..... where she can see you, talk to you, criticise you and get her hands on M.

The closet, 2 closed registers?  They're her ruse..... you know it.  I know it.  She knows it.

Your father would know it if it didn't cause chaos, but it does.


So.... it is what it is.  No surpirses and you're thinking about your stuff and how to solve that problem.

I'd say you're right on schedule.

btw... have I told you how amazed I am at your stamina, strength, ability and growth?

Your withstanding all the trauma your Mum caused over the move..... and the legal trouble with your credit?

I'm just saying.  This is duck soup..... compared to where you were a year ago: )