I think that healing IS the gobbledy gook sorting itself out like a twisted ball of yarn. The threads become less and less tangled until they are free.For me, the truth is the "untangler"-no matter HOW ugly the truth is( and it IS ugly,often)
I see glimpses of the truth b/c I cannot "stomach" the whole thing all at once.
I am seeing a really big piece now.My situation with Maria has helped me to see it. I handled this situation well. I step by step handled it like a "healthy person" with the help of the board.
Now, I am seeing the 'truth' of life. (This is how I am seeing it.I am not asking for 'arguments on it,please.)
I am thinking back to therapists.I told one guy that I didn't want to go anymore. He fancied himself a "storyteller" so he wound these elaborate "yarns" that I was supposed to find a freakin' meaning in. One day,I said "I really am not getting too much out of this. I am going to stop."
I can see WHAT he did to me . He used my fears to convince me to keep going. He manipulated me to think that I would be sick without him. So,I went for a long time . I really got NOTHING out of the whole thing.If I got anything,it was to get worse b/c I lost even more trust in myself. Another Christian counselor "'sided" with My H b/c my H is a doctor and more 'important' that I was.. I see now how silly the things that he said were BUT I had lost my core ,so I accepted them.
I see how I betrayed others. With Maria, she could think that I betrayed her.. She did a lot for me, so if she wants a few hundred for a trip-- she 'deserves "it and I can do it.(in her mind) I see how I was not a good friend to people b/c of my own pride . I look back and see that I hurt and betrayed people,too.
In my life, My GM was the only person who did not betray me. She gave me unconditional love-- always It must be how God loves us.I think that it is a one in a lifetime thing(IMO).
I see how my H betrayed me b/c I was very weak by then. By then,I NEEDED people to define me. I was an empty balloon who needed s/one to blow it up so it could have body and definition.
Once I got lost,I was treated badly in many ways b/c I lost my trust in myself and could not even SEE that people were "hurting" me with their own pride.
So, I am facing that people betray you if they can. If you are not strong,you will be set up for betrayal. It is HORRIBLE,but it is the way of the world.(IMO)
I 'knew" this at 14. If I could have retained it,I would never have married an abusive man in the first place. I would NEVER have gone down so far.. If I just "knew' this one truth about life,it would have been like my own bodyguard. However,I could not retain it.
So, I went through a horrible journey. I found God. I did get a depth( Let somebody else get it--PLEASE). I am here now trying to pull a few threads out of the yarn-- little by little. I can see freedom up ahead--- thread by thread Love Ami