Cary Tennis yesterday

[Iphi]

Carolyn I thought you were quiet because you were out and about doing lots of stuff, so I hope you are taking good care of yourself and giving yourself good love and appreciating yourself because you are a sweetpea.

fp - I know what you mean about personal experiences.  I love it that you shared.  I've had many too, usually subtle and no fireworks. 

[Hopalong]

Sweet ((((((((((((((Hope))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, hon.
Be very kind to yourself, Carolyn...
you are a dear light, my friend.

Dear Peace,
Could you be a closet UU? www.uua.org

love
Hops

[Hopalong]

I'm so glad, Beaner.

That whole column (My Sister Triggers My Rage was the title, I think...) had a ream of amazing letters attached.
I'm often amazed by the wisdom of the Salon letter-writers...

Glad it brought some comfort and support.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

When I read "freedoms just another word for nuthin left to lose"....

my stomach jumped. 

[Certain Hope]

Dear sweet Poppyseed thank you for your extra measure of love and hugs.
I collected it last night when I saw your post.. along with those from dear

sweethearts Peace and Lighter and Iphi and Hops...  and I thank you each and all

so very much. I was speechless then, last night, and that's lingering this morning,

with a strong temptation to just say - oh, bah, nevermind, I was just parked too

long on the pity potty and it's time to... well, you know.

Iph, I really have been out and about and doing... mainly by necessity...

struggling to maintain energy levels for the tasks at hand. In the midst of

everything else, I got myself this part time job and I guess that didn't bring the

recognition here at home that I'd secretly hoped it would. Uhh... my husband of

the occasionally-keen-insights-into-human-nature is quite involved in his own

pursuits and my feelings are quite familiarly akin to those I had through my years

as a single parent... ugh.

Frailty... oh, Peace, my heart knows things that my mind doesn't want to hear.
Forced to pay all this attention to my *self*... monitoring bp, taking meds (I hate

to take pills),  ongoing dental appts, the expense of it all, on my account... I find it all so intensely uncomfortable.

Having ignored self-needs for so long, it's like I now have shone this blazing

spotlight onto myself and just want to run for cover... kinda like I felt after drawing

attention to myself here on this thread. Grasping for a mask to slap back on over

my vulnerability...  so... worn down, I guess. Shattering is surely not an option.
I confess my physical frailties here at home, but not even sure why - or what I expect - and I get nothing in return. What is a normal response?  I have no idea. Surely not a blank look. I think I'm looking for help with the needs.... accountability... so that I won't return to the land of denial about this stuff... but in my heart I know that I'm on my own with it all. My husband doesn't want awareness of these things about anyone... and he's still ignoring his mom, too.
I am not liking how I feel about that, either, especially when she writes to both of us but I sense that she really only wants to hear from him, so when I write back to her, I get no response.
Sorry, this is very confused, I know... but I hope it will help me just by trying to get it out here. At least I know it's better than that old mask of busy silence or hiding.

((((((Peace))))))) I am so sorry to hear of the fear created in your young heart and mind by organized religion. It was so for me, as well, and I have only led my children into the Bible and to Jesus, not to any manmade organization.
I have told them the best way I know that Jesus did not become flesh here on earth in order to institute another religion, but rather to be the bridge between God and man.

Hops!  Big hugs to you, (((((((((((Sweet Hops)))))))))))). I pulled quite the hijack, indeed. I'm sorry to be such a stinker on your thread and take advantage of your tolerance in this way. I still don't feel safe in many places... or even feel the tug on my heart to be open... but here on your thread or that of someone else I trust, feels kinda like bein in your kitchen... cozy, welcomed... oh... well... at least once the copperheads have been eliminated from the house! Sheesh, woman... they're all over our property, too, but never had one invade the building. Hope that snake man knows what he's doin... and in the meanwhile, wear tall boots!

So much love to you all and ty for your patience and kindness to me.
I feel really dumb and foolish, but that's nothing new... kinda my theme lately.

Carolyn

P.S. ((((((Lighter)))))) eek... I am so sorry if that freedom line sounded suicidal or something... no way!  It just really seems like that to me... like I have nothing left to lose... but it's in a good way, I think... good as in spiritually right and sound, not pleasant.
One of these days real soon, I sincerely hope to be able to make more sense, but for right now... this is the best I can do.
Love to you.

[lighter]

Hope.... I didn't read the freedom as suicidal, lol.... you goof.

It struck a cord though.... as to what has to happen to us in order for us to really internalize something and let go, finally.... to free ourselves emotionally of something. 

It's true about lots of things.... you with the self care and your h's mother and feeling appreciated...... all the N stuff that ever happened to anyone. 

I do miss you though and I'm sorry your going through a low energy time.

I'm afraid I don't have all that much energy right now either, but it'll pass. 

It always does: )

[Certain Hope]

Hope.... I didn't read the freedom as suicidal, lol.... you goof.

It struck a cord though.... as to what has to happen to us in order for us to really internalize something and let go, finally.... to free ourselves emotionally of something. 

It's true about lots of things.... you with the self care and your h's mother and feeling appreciated...... all the N stuff that ever happened to anyone. 

I do miss you though and I'm sorry your going through a low energy time.

I'm afraid I don't have all that much energy right now either, but it'll pass. 

It always does: )

Oh! You said your stomach jumped and that didn't sound good, so...  I wasn't sure.

I'm sorry you're running low, too... and I do hope it passes quickly.

Change of seasons does a # on me, more as years advance... and - oh, boy, the shortened daylight hours. Can hardly wait for the time change 
Maybe I need one of those lamps like Hops has... the sunny sort.
And I will miss my posies. Already miss the hummers.
Sheesh, I am melancholy these days... gotta be hormonal + I think the bp meds. Back to doc next Fri and I will insist on a change of Rx.
Yes, I will. Insist.
Muchly.

((((((((((Lighter))))))))))) 

[finding peace]

Dear Carolyn,

It sounds as though you have a lot going on right now.  Can you find some time for yourself, to do something you really enjoy?

I am here if/whenever you want to talk about it.

BP meds can wreak havoc, and it can take awhile for the dose to be adjusted correctly or to find the correct medication.  There are some, such as beta-blockers, that can substantially reduce anxiety but they can also have a nasty side-effect of causing extreme fatigue.  (I know a little about meds, if you want you can PM me the name of the med and I can PM back some of the side effects.)  From what I understand you have been on other meds as well, some pain meds and some antibiotics.  These too can have nasty side effects - and can mess with how you feel.

There are many times when I feel frail too - as in worn down and tired.  My H doesn't always understand the struggle I have with my family.  Like lotsa guys I know (no offense meant to anyone here), he is extremely pragmatic and has difficulty understanding why I can't just let go and move on.  He is never mean or cruel - it is just foreign to him.  He has often told me if his parents did a quarter of what mine did, he would have walked away without a backwards glance when he was a kid.  I think some males (not all) are just more practical/pragmatic when it comes to these situations and the solutions are more simple for them.

I do get so tired sometimes tho.  I have been the strong one all my life.  I basically raised myself and my younger sister, I never had anyone to lean on growing up.  So sometimes I feel like a demented energizer bunny as the batteries are finally wearing down.  There are times when I want to lean, but you know, I don't think I even know how to lean on anyone.  I have a tough time asking for help, or just relaxing in the moment.  And that has been a big problem for me. There are times when it is necessary to be strong and there are times when we can borrow strength from others.  I just have to figure out how to do that and most importantly, know that it is ok to ask for help - if you ask the right person.  I do really struggle with this and I understand.

Please know that I am sitting with you quietly in spirit and am here if you need to talk or just vent.

(((((((((Lotsa love and hugs))))))))))))

Peace

PS - Hopsy - thank you for the link.  You may be right, sure sounds a lot similar to where I am!!

PSS - ((((((Lighter))))))) Sending you some energy and hugs as well - this time of year is always draining for me. 

PSS... Iphi - YVW, it has mostly been that way for me too (subtle).  My older D is showing signs of this too, sometimes she knows things before they happen and has been doing this from a very early age - uncanny.  Interestingly, my other D used to talk about her other family and children at a really young age - had a lot of details, but nothing concrete that I could research.  According to my family, my sis did this too - scared my mother so badly so refused to allow her to talk about it.  Don't know if any of what my D told me was true - but was really interesting to hear from her!

Love you guys!
Peace

[Leah]

((((( Love and Hugs )))))  (((( to everyone ))))

Thinking of you.

Take gentle care of yourselves, and don't forget to give yourself a treat.

Sweet dreams and pleasant days ahead for us all.

Love & Hugs,

Leah



"The God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble

with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."



(2 Cor. 1:3-4)

[Certain Hope]

((((( Love and Hugs )))))  (((( to everyone ))))

Thinking of you.

Take gentle care of yourselves, and don't forget to give yourself a treat.

Sweet dreams and pleasant days ahead for us all.

Love & Hugs,

Leah



"The God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble

with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."



(2 Cor. 1:3-4)

Amen.

Big baby brat reporting here...

(((((((Leah))))))) thanks for the Scripture, Sister... I didn't go there today and that's always my downfall. Dumb³.... *sigh*


Dear Shunned,

Thank you so much for writing... that means alot to me. And YES! I hate being patient. I want it all fixed right now... yesterday, actually... but it simply doesn't work that way, does it.
I vegetated today... and when my husband got home, I had a big, messy cry. It helped. He helped. He basically said what you did here about dealing with the doctor... and I know that I can talk straight to him, as long as I'm not feeling so feeble as I was earlier... which was mostly alot of pent-up emotions, I guess. Ack. I am so annoyed... and oh, did I ever want cigarettes today. It's almost like I had to shut down and zone out just to get past that and after almost 6 weeks of not much trouble, that caught me off guard.
And you're right about the maternal deficit in husbands... lol. I feel so silly for letting it get to me, but I guess it had to come out somehow.
Hopefully next time I'll find a more graceful way to implode    (((((((((Shunned)))))))))  thanks... really, very much. I hope you're doing well... you sound good... and your plan to refuse further tests about the sodium makes perfect sense to me! I hope you'll write again after that appointment... I'd like to hear how it goes.

Dear Peace,

Whew.... too many things going, yes... all at once and major changes... it's so simple and yet it really did sneak up on me. God knows how idiotic I feel.There's so much that goes on within me that I don't notice till it's approached critical mass... ugh.
Peace... it's Enalap/HCTZ (that's the diuretic, I guess) 10-25mg  - just one in the morning.
He gave me clonidine, too - .1mg - but I don't take it regularly because the first time I did, I crashed so badly.
Now I've only used it occasionally when my bp increased mid-day... or like when I had to go to the dentist.
But still I'm exhausted and weak...
and the more I think about it the angrier I get with that doc... telling me, "oh, and you might want to take some potassium"... but didn't say how much. Just leaves me with meds for 6 weeks before doing any blood tests or anything.

No pain pills... that was just for a couple days before root canal.
Just finished 10 day course of keflex for infected finger which swelled like a balloon.
And here I am - never go to the doc, never take a pill... feeling like these meds are turning me inside out.
I don't even like to take a tylenol. If a medication says it'll make you sleepy, for instance, it usually speeds me up.
Just backwards, I am.
And that doc didn't even take the time to tell me what I might be in for... grrr.

Thank you so much for telling me about your H... I guess that's just par for the course. He's not mean, either, not a bit... just doesn't relate at the level I do. But tonight he did try to meet me where I was and help me through it. Just wish I didn't have to dissolve into a puddle before he took notice. It really helped me alot to hear you describe the problem in such calm terms... which is usually how I can see it, but today the fog got in the way. I really do want to learn to ask for help, if I could just do it in time...  but I feel like if I get any more aware of what's goin on within me, I won't be able to stand it... lol. (((((((Peace))))))   I fear that I am still not making a whole lot of sense here, but if I could find 100 ways to say thanks, I'd type it here... because you've been so sweet and kind to me and I'm very glad to learn how to lean a bit on the right person. Thanks for being there.

With much love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

((((( Carolyn ))))) dear Sister,

Me too some days - and don't I just know it at the end of the day!

In his letter to the Romans, the Apostle Paul describes the kind of inner conflict that seems typical of the human experience, "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but everything that I hate." Romans 7:15. 

Which always consoles me when I scold myself for not having done what I know I should have done but did not do!!

So thankful for God's grace!

Hope you have a lovely day with your family and sincerely hope that you are feeling a little better today.

Love & Hugs,

Leah



Focusing on how blessed I am, every single day. No matter how rough the road along the way, truly, I know I am blessed.

Just so thankful to be walking along my life journey filled with hope, in my new pair of shoes.

[finding peace]

Hi Carolyn,

I found some info on the internet regarding your meds. 

********************

I have to add the following disclaimer (as I am sure you know):  Any medical information obtained over the net should be checked with your Doc and pharmacist to verify the accuracy.  It is a good source of information but may not always be accurate or up-to-date.

*********************

I could not find anything on enalap – hard to believe, usually when I type a drug name into google, I get at least 30 different websites (usually foreign websites) trying to sell the stuff!  I think it is shortened for enalapril/hydrochlorothiazide but am not positive of this (check w/ dr or pharmacist who filled the script).

Here is information on enalapril/HCTZ

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/medmaster/a601047.html

Here is a link to Keflex:

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/medmaster/a682733.html

Here is a link to clonidine:

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/medmaster/a682243.html

Medline is a great resource for meds, in the search box you can type in the name of your med and it will pop up.  Sometimes the name will appear different, and this is usually because it is listed under the generic name rather than the Trade (or Brand) name (eg, Keflex is the trade name and cephalexin is the generic name - at the above link, it is listed as cephalexin). 

It will give great information -  type of med, potential interactions with other meds, side-effects, when to call a doc, etc..  You can also usually find package inserts on line as well – which will give you a lot of information, but it can be pretty technical.

(I hate taking medications too – I am severely allergic to a lot of them and have to be very careful, so I do a lot of research prior to starting any med.  Pain meds can severely depress me for weeks afterward.)

As far as potassium, here is a link to foods high in potassium – which could help in bolstering potassium levels (HCTZ has been liinked to potassium depletion – is your doc monitoring your blood levels?  I was put on a diuretic for kidney stones a long time ago, it was a potassium-sparing diuretic, but my potassium still got so low it was considered critical and I had to be hospitalized with a potassium drip.)

http://www.ext.colostate.edu/PUBS/foodnut/09355.html

If you are having problems with your doctor, can you find another one?  A doctor who doesn’t listen is not a doctor, IMO.

Now – no more feeling idiotic – please.  You are not in any way shape or form an idiot.  I hate those rough patches – nasty times.  While in the midst of it, I see no way out – but it always passes.  You hang in there – sending you prayers and strength.  (No need to respond – please just know I am thinking about you). 

As far as leaning – lean away.  You have held me up more times than I can count (and more than my family ever did – you all here have redefined humanity for me.  It has been a much needed and a much appreciated lesson).

Much love to you,
Peace

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((((Carolyn))))))))))))))))))))))
Please don't mention "hijack" on any thread of mine.
I just don't feel that way about them.

And I ain't shy. If I need more attention to a topic
I start well then, what's to stop me from pushing that cute
New Topic button and starting a subject another way?

You are always welcome, as is everybody.

(((((((((((((((((((((Peace)))))))))))))))))))))
Sounds like you and I have spent time doing similar
searches. What great stuff you've shared with Hope.

love to all, and Hope, don't give up hope. 
I'm glad you wept and hope your hubby had arms to offer,
even if he didn't have the right things to say.

love
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Thanks again so much, Hops, and Peace, and Leah... all is well and the kids and I got our eye exams today, as scheduled. That doc took really good care of us, too! So I'm just chalking that up to yet more progress made and holding in my awareness the fact that any and all unpleasantries will pass.
The eye exam was a biggie for me, because I've been aware from the last one (2 1/2 years ago) that my high ocular pressure (not related to bp) makes me a glaucoma suspect... which indeed was confirmed again today, so I am on the watch list... and such is life : )

Peace, I so appreciate the links and have read all the info... and I will remember Medline! My doc determined to wait 6 weeks after putting me on these meds before checking my blood and as far as I'm concerned, he gets no gold stars for that decision... not to mention his bedside manner. I'll keep my Fri. appt., but now I'm prepared to let him know that I prefer treatment from a physician who doesn't just toss out meds like candy and leave his patient to fend for herself (I know, that may be asking too much in this day and age, but it's a valid desire nonetheless, I think). There's a new female FP in our little town whom I may investigate...  other than her, it's pretty slim pickins.

It's been quite an experience for me to be able to just say Ouch! like this to y'all... and here at home to my husband... and then to recognize that I didn't disappear, that I really am okay, and that my feelings didn't do me in... not the sad helplessness of before, or the embarassment of afterward. I told my husband that I'm so tired of having to take care of myself... and that's the truth.
Maybe nothing will change... but at least I identified the source of my pain, which is great progress indeed.
I don't know how it could be a mama's love that I'm craving, because I don't feel like I've ever experienced that, really.
How can you miss what you've never had?
hmm... I'm babbling here... 'nite ((((((((All))))))))

Love and prayers,
Carolyn

[finding peace]

Hi Carolyn,

I'll keep my Fri. appt., but now I'm prepared to let him know that I prefer treatment from a physician who doesn't just toss out meds like candy and leave his patient to fend for herself (I know, that may be asking too much in this day and age, but it's a valid desire nonetheless, I think).

Absolutely valid - and if he doesn't respond in a manner you are comfortable with, then I would definitely check out the new doc.

I think you asked the golden question here:

How can you miss what you've never had?

I have asked myself this......often.  How can I give to myself what I was never given?  How do you teach someone who has never been able to see what a cloud looks like?  I think this may be extremely difficult - but not impossible?

In some ways I look at how I feel about my children - and have been working at re-parenting myself based on how I nurture and advise my kids.  I think it has been a starting point, but I still wonder.  What am I missing?  Sometimes I am so scared that because I never had nurturing that I am not nurturing enough to my babies. 

It is a really good question - one that troubles me.

You sound a lot better - and I am very glad to read it!

Hi Hops - Medline is a great site isn't it?  It is backed by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), and I have found it to be pretty accurate with what is provided in the package inserts.  I was glad to see the MedWatch link that has been added - this is where if you have a serious adverse drug reaction, you can report it directly to the FDA.  It used to be that physicians did this.  (Glad to see the FDA is looking to the public as well as physicians to monitor drugs.)

Much love to you all,
Peace