Need Some Help

[Ami]

Dear Sally,
  I just saw your post. I guess that if I can decorate the house and she can get some money,it would be a good partnership.
  I am so freakin codependent that I am bound to screw up any relationship----right now--.I  am a co-d nightmare waiting to happen.
  This co-d thing is so deep and so hard to uproot.It is many,many lies and distortions just building on themselves.
                                                                                                                                                         Oy      Ami

[lighter]

What did the enemy/friend say in her e mail that so upset you?

And..... I'd be all over getting my house spiffed up while I had the chance.  

Just make a plan and agree on money for hours or project, whatever you think is fair.... she must agree, of course.

 

[sally]

Ami,

Take a deep breath and clear your head.  Handle each issue separately and listen to your gut.

Love,
sally

[Ami]

I tried to help the person see that there are no perfect people out there(as friends). She started attacking me for being a codependent and trying to "tell 'her what to do instead of just letting her be.
   She said that I showed my true colors. I really,really tried to be  a good friend.
  What upset me was NOT  her anger toward me b/c I KNOW that I was  loving. What upset me was how "screwed up" s/one's thinking could be and that they were not AWARE of it
  That was scary to me. How she was so,so "lost" and had no idea about it.Then, she blamed s/one just trying to help.
  That was what was upsetting---- the degree of thinking that was out of touch with much semblance of reality.               Ami

[axa]

Ami,

I think the so much of the world has a skewed sense of reality that it is a breath of fresh air to meet people who are clear and honest.

xx##

axa

[Ami]

Dear Sally,
  You are right. There are SOOOO  many issues here(plus FOO issues).That is why I feel so overwhelmed. Plus I saw for the first time,in my heart, that my M was really a 3 yr. old( emotionally). That was a HUGE bite.I really,really saw that her thinking was at this level.  Thanks Sally.            Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  What do you mean--- that it is RARE to find people who think "well" or "right"?

[Ami]

Thanks so much for caring,Bella. It feels so good to feel that love come ALL the way across the world.
However, the letter was written by a  DIFFERENT person(Why don't I just stay in my room---huh?)
There are two different people here. The e mail is from a different person that I was trying to help-----BLEH.
Does THAT change your opinion of Maria?                            Love   Ami

[Bella_French]

Oh no!

Please strike my post from the  record then!! I feel terrible now, lol.

Going to my room

X Bella

[Ami]

Yeah-----the room is a good idea.                                                 Love   Ami

[Iphi]

All my life my parents have both accused me of having evil motives, really, underneath it all. It's beyond distressing.  my mom used to tell me she knew i wanted to murder my sister - when i was 3, 4 years old.  it was torture. i had such nightmares - believed i was evil because she told me so.  Point is - my mom suffers from paranoia.  the stuff she said, the evil motives lurking everywhere - i could never prove myself, not sufficiently, not really.  But it took many years for me to understand - it was never about me at all.  My dad too though that has been so much harder to see - much more subtle but also to his advantage all the time.  but it's the same thing.  It's paranoia - that is what it is and what it does and that is exactly how it works - accusing others of secret evil intent, of falseness, all the time - always seeing that lurking.  Ami, I think that it is what is happening w/ the person who emailed. it's not about you and you have no power to change what is happening within that other person. 

[changing]

Hello Ami-

You are very generous and kind, and cannot bear to see others suffer. You try to help others , even your mother who causes you so much misery, and your friends. Some people cannot help but take as much advantage as possible. For your mother, do what you know is right and feel peaceful at that. For friends, you may help a little in a pinch, but listen to that gut when you feel things are overboard.
Perhaps you might pay Maria for her decorating help. Please set a firm price for a small job first, and no advances- pay as the work is performed. Write the parameters of the job down clearly, and both of you sign the terms (make sure it is a small project). Then you may see a great deal that will bring the dynamics of the relationship to light.
You also do not have to tell Maria your every thought, or justify your feelings to her. Perhaps her long bouts of tears and such worked in the past to tug at your heartstrings and loosen your pursestrings. It seems that both your mother and Maria want you to give and give and follow a certain prescribed role. You are healthy now, and you can interact with them on that basis only- you cannot sicken yourself. Surely you would not want either of them to do something that might benefit you in some way, but would sicken them??? You deserve the same respect and treatment.
Ami, I think you are a very lovely and special person, and I am so happy that you are no longer starving yourself physically. Please don't starve yourself emotionally, letting emotional parasites suck out your life's blood and vitality (only you know who this may be- I am not judging anyone). Then the real joy and living will unfold...

Love from your friend who believes in you,

Changing

[lighter]

Eh... I think becoming involved in other people's problems is one more distraction... not just for you, Ami.... but for lots of people.

::ahem::

Ask yourself Ami...... what if you didn't take on anymore problems, outside your very own, for a while?

What if you limited yourself and spent more time on you?

At least observe what you're doing and when you're doing it..... so you have better understanding.

I still think getting your house in order..... sort of changing the dynamics with Maria in the process.... is a great idea.

Having the ching to get your entire house tidy and decorated beautifully..... seems a wonderful investment in yourself.

Sometimes.... working on the outside helps clear space on the inside... and things fall into place more easily.

[Hopalong]

You also do not have to tell Maria your every thought, or justify your feelings to her.

me too
ditto
what she said

xo
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Friends,
  Thank you so much for responding.Your responses were really life changing for me b/c I saw beyond the surface problems to deeper issues.
  There is is much combined wisdom in this group that it is mind blowing.
  As Sally said, there were so many issues wrapped up in seemingly one. Once,I separated the issues it did not seem so overwhelming.
    The first issue ( and the most obvious)was the e mail.I knew that this girl was very,very troubled. I wanted to be of service to her,but she could not receive it. I feel no ill will to her. I don't take it personally. What upset me was how a "thinking" process can be so "off" and the person has no idea.Also,, the person is very intelligent and articulate,but the thinking has been so "warped" by abuse that they can't relate to another person even though they really,really want to. They feel compelled to push you away and blame you so they don't have to relate.
  I never quite had anything this "strange' happen to me. However,it made me start to look at myself and areas in my life that I might not be able to see. How would I know if my thinking were "that off".
 It shook me up for her and for my own thinking( made me really question myself)
   I have a hard time trusting woman. I had had best friends in the past --up through college.It made me wonder if I was pushing Maris away like this girl pushed me away.
   HOWEVER,I HAVE to have a basic trust in myself or I am totally screwed.The basic trust in yourself will be the light that shines in the darkness. I can question to a degree,but I have to go within ,ask my gut and heart and GO  with it. Everyone who has ever been close to me always tells me that I have very good instincts( even the cop). so I have to simply go with them.
  Also. how warped could I be if I raised two sons and they are good adults? A really warped person could not do that. 
  So, I have to reassure myself with this. If I were that crazy,my kids would not be as decent and loving as they are.O..K.
   So, The e mail thing is over.
  The next one is Maria.I will do what Lighter suggested.I need help with the house and I am not good  with choosing furniture,artwork etc. If something could not be returned( and WHO even wants to return furniture) I would never get it.
  So, we will do these things and see what happens.I will not give money  as a ATM, though.It is wrong to do that to me.So, that problem is resolved.
   The other problem was "seeing" my M as a three yr.old. I really "saw" with true eyes that my M is a young kid, emotionally.It rocked me.
 Last night,I was sobbing in bed. my Yorkie came up to my face and started  licking(right in my eyes) the tears of  my face. I never had an animal like this. My Poodle runs away in horror whenever I cry.
I had a dream last night. I knew what most of it meant when I woke up. My family was on the way to a trip--- to the airport. We stopped at a school and we were taken hostage by out of control kids  with guns etc. They were deciding who to kill. I said they could kill me if they would leave the other family members alone. They were deciding what to do. Suddenly, there were crowds of people there. I sad,"Why can't some people in the crowd help me so I don't have to be killed?".I was told that the sacrifice  was already made and it could not be changed.
   It was that I sacrificed myself for my Mother..
  I felt a peace when I woke up.
 I am coming to peace that my M is a 3 yr.old. As my kids were growing up, I saw that my kids were much more mature than my M. I started noticing this in first grade. They had more understanding of others and more consideration for me and other people than my M. I thought that it was a crazy thought,on my part.
  I never knew about N's.
As they grew older, then they were much,much more mature than my M.
  So,I saw ,yesterday, another piece  in the puzzle.This one really,really hurts and is so "final".
I read an Ann Rule book about a female M.D. who ended up killing her kids. When they did the evaluation on her, they said that she had the emotional maturity of a young child, even though she had been an ER doctor.
   The really hard  thing is facing my M. Then, the next step is seeing that a 3 yr.old( my M) is not a good  judge of me. I based my whole self concept on a three yr.old-----YIKES. So, the next logical step is to take back all the ideas that she gave me, which were false.
  Yesterday,so many things came together for me.Thank you for your wonderful help and caring.
                                         Love    Ami