Really down tonight . . .

[Poppy Seed]

I really am sorry that this is so hard.  I am listening to you describe your piles and your not wanting to do the stuff you should do.  It is actually refreshing and comforting.  Is that weird?  I don't always get up and going.  My dishes aren't always done either...and for the very same reason.  I guess I got the impression that you had all your ducks in a row all the time.  (i admit feeling envious!  )  But it is nice to hear your humaness!  I feel like I see a little reflection of myself  in your description.  I didn't always want to celebrate either.  Sorry if I am missing essential details in how you are feeling.  

I am imagining the day when I don't have all that "proving" as  part of my programming.  I look forward to the day when I can just BE.  You next journal exercise sounds good.  Like you are finding ways to purge that perfectionism from your thinking.  Let me know what you learn.  I am sure I can benefit!!

(((((((()))))))))))  I will keep you in my thoughts today.

Poppy

( I think I have gotton to the point where I don't even want to dig!  I just want to leave the whole project and try a new one that works!!)

[tayana]

Poppy,  I'm so sorry I gave you the impression I had it all together, I really don't.  I do pretty good in some areas, and not so good in others.  I'll have four or five really good days, then one day where I can't seem to do anything.  I'll have days where I do nothing but write.    I wish I could say I did have it all together, but I don't.

I have these images in my head of what life will be like eventually.  I'll be able to stand up to my mom.  I won't be having constant battles over homework and things like that with my son.  When I say battles, it's more an issue of getting him going than getting it done.  Homework actually depresses me.  I keep imagining doing social things and having a happy life.

Then reality sets in and it's nothing like I imagined.

I'm almost to the point where I don't want to dig anymore.  I just want to start over.

[Poppy Seed]

Then reality sets in and it's nothing like I imagined.

Oh baby!  Do I know this one!  My pretty picture of how life was suppose to be and feel burned down in a fire bigger than the one in Gone with the Wind!! I can still see the smoke! 

 I suppose I am still mourning the loss.......But I think that I know that it is a waste of energy.  Mourning something that was never there to begin with.

Now, I am learning to love what is!  I steel that phrase from the title of a Byron Katie book, "Loving What is".    That is the trick.  Maybe the digging is trying to make the status quo fit into the box of our expectations.  Maybe the walking away to the knew project is learning to accept and love our life and the opportunities and wisdom we are given.

Sooo, one foot in front of the other.  Today, I am wearing yoga pants and a hair clip-- no makeup.  I am loving myself through that.  My house is not yet clean...and I am loving my way through that. ( I just found half-eaten strawberries behind the TV, yuck!)  My sadness and loneliness is profound today and I am loving my way through that.  It is SOOO not perfect.  But I don't need it to be anymore.  That is what I celebrate!

Love to you Tayana.  Nice talking today.  I think starting over is a really really good thing!!!

Poppy

[Ami]

I had a really big insight that helped me. I used to look at people who I felt did not struggle like I did. My "envy" was toward people who had loving mothers.
  I would think that they had a different set of circumstances than I did and that I would always be "behind". I would never be a "full' person b/c I was a 'broken" person ,forever.
  The other day when I was talking to my Aunt,it hit me that for me to fix my brokenness I had to keep pulling myself away from the 'thought" that other people with good M's had an advantage that I could never duplicate. It hit me that my healing had to be all about pulling me up to where I needed to go--- irrespective of anyone else. .Wherever anyone else is bears no relevance to where I need to go..
 My Aunt accepts and values herself. She can laugh at herself. She does not have to "please' everyone. I can see those qualities in her and aspire to get them inside me.
 However,I am seeing that I need to assess myself --honestly ( where I am) and have my own plan for climbing out of it to where I need to go  .IOW, when a kid needs help in math, they will be assessed for where they are and have a plan to get proficient in math. I see my growth and healing like this, I am very backward in certain things BUT I have certain strengths which I am "advanced" in. I  am seeing that I have certain qualities that I really like. I have certain 'talents" that I really like.It is not all "black" . I have to have remedial "living skills",but I am not ALL 'bad"
   I might not be making sense. I guess that I am saying that I need to find my authentic person the way my Aunt has hers.I am "mining" for mine rather than comparing myself with other people.
                                                                                                               Love   Ami

[axa]

T

You have achieved so much.  I just wish you could see it.  Of course it is difficult I hear this but from where I am sitting I can see the enormous task you have undertaken, moving into your own apartment with M.  You sound exhausted, as if you could do with a REAL rest.  Is there any chance of getting away for a weekend, just changing your environment might help shift the clouds.  I wish I could take you out power walking and working up a sweat, it always shifts something for me.  Please be gentle on yourself.  You are a brave and wonderful woman

axa

[Hopalong]

T, I think you have post-operative depression.
In the operation, you inserted a lifesaving device to permit yourself to have NC with Her.

Recovery is painful!

You need and deserve and should have embracing friends.
I wish you could go to a women's support group or affinity group of some kind.

love to you and the kids too,
Hops
PS--A month ago, my room was impeccable. Now it looks like the Madwoman of Chaillot lives there, with her bats.

[tayana]

I'm feeling better now.  I'm not quite sure why.  I don't know if it was just letting go, or getting an unpleasant task done at work, or what, but I do feel better now. 

M's guest ended up canceling at the last minute.  I was all ready too.  I just wanted to know what he liked on his pizza.  We had the pizza anyway.

I worked in my journal some more earlier today, and I talked to my brother earlier this evening.  He asked me if I'd talked to my mom, and I said no.  I said that I knew what she would say, and I didn't want to hear it.  I said I was tired of that BS and I just didn't want to hear it anymore.  He said she was complaining today because I don't let her talk to M.  Well, M can use the phone, but he's too concerned with his hamster, dog, making robots, and stuff at school to think about grandma.  He just doesn't ask, until the weekend, and then only to see if we're going to visit. 

My brother told me I shouldn't let my mom control my emotions.  He told me I was in control of those, not her, and I shouldn't give her that kind of power.  That's very similar to what my T has said, and I Think that was what helped me feel better.

Anyway, M and I ended up having a pretty good evening, even if we did have to go back to school to get his homework.  We got homework done, and I set up the bread machine so we have fresh bread in the am.

A much better evening than last night.  I wasn't snippy.  I just had to nag to get M into the tub, but that's normal.

[lighter]

Yay you're feeling better, Tay.

Whether you suffer horribly or just get a little blue..... you end up feeling ok again, eventually.  Might as well not spend time dreading feeling that way forever, bc you won't.

Thre bread and pizza sounds good...mmmm ::wiggling eyebrows::

Having guests over usually means I get a spurt of energy that tidies the house magically out of nowhere and thats the best part of having guests, IMO.

WHen the girls were small.... it helped me to remember to accept the moment as it is, and not wish it was something else.  Whatever was going on.... it helped me to focus on what I did have and what was mine that day.  Children!  Some day they'll be grown and I'll wish for just one moment of having them small again.  I know this....

As for your brother....grrrr.

Mr. emotional serenity is now giving you advice on controlling your own emotions and not letting your mother control them? 

Where was he when she was controlling the complete destruction of your credit and stomping it into the ground!?!?!? 

It's not about emotions.... it's about concrete destructive behavior, aimed at your head. 

You're ducking.  Quite reasonable behavior, considering.

Don't let him make you feel guilty for defending yourself don't you do it!

Emotions....?  He's on your back bc she's causing him distress now and so let him control his emotions around her now. 

Hmph.

The nerve!

[tayana]

Yes, well, I had a splurt of energy.  A pity that doesn't happen more often.

The bread was awesome.  Had some for breakfast, this recipe is definitely a keeper.  It's got maple syrup in it, and it gives it a great flavor.  Pizza was all right.  Guess I'll have some for lunch.

The other boy's mom said he couldn't come over because she hadn't met me.  I would have thought this would be a good opportunity to meet me.  We saw her once at the library, and I sort of wondered about this kid.  He's awfully quiet and withdrawn.

Lighter, when my brother was talking about me being in control of my emotions he wasn't complaining.  He was actually supporting my decision for space.  I had asked if my mom had said anything.  My T has told me that I let my mom have power over me, by letting her affect me like this.  He's been encouraging me not to do that, to do more positive things and just let my mother's comments go because I know they're going to be hurtful.  My brother did the same sort of thing, just reminding me of what my T has been telling me since I moved.

My brother and I have only gotten close again since I moved.  Before that, I couldn't talk to him.  My nmom didn't allow it, unless she was available to supervise.  It is about destructive behavior, but it's about emotion too.  He didn't make me feel guilty, just sort of validated my decision.

[Poppy Seed]

Tayana,

I am glad to hear you feeling better.....the clouds must have given way to a little blue sky.

I am encouraged that you feel a re-connection with your brother.  (What I wouldn't give for one of my brothers to validate me........) It feels like one door shutting and a sweet window opening...a little benevolent blessing to help support you in your journey to freedom!  Love it!

Hug for the day.....
Pops

[sally]

I shouldn't let my mom control my emotions.  He told me I was in control of those, not her, and I shouldn't give her that kind of power.  That's very similar to what my T has said, and I Think that was what helped me feel better.

brother was talking about me being in control of my emotions he wasn't complaining.  He was actually supporting my decision for space.  I had asked if my mom had said anything.  My T has told me that I let my mom have power over me, by letting her affect me like this.  He's been encouraging me not to do that, to do more positive things and just let my mother's comments go because I know they're going to be hurtful.  My brother did the same sort of thing, just reminding me of what my T has been telling me since I moved.

Tay,

I completely agree w/ your brother & your T.  I think that once you truly and deeply digest this lesson in your head, heart & soul, you will feel so much better, you will feel like a new person and will view life & yourself differently. 

I think essentially, your brother & T are talking about boundaries:  giving away your power & opening yourself up to being hurt vs. owning your power, seeing if someone else (or yourself) is (consciously or unconsciously) manipulating you &  mindfulness: approaching your emotions with an objectivity by observing your emotions, feeling them and then watching how they change.  Not being a prisoner of your emotions.

You are growing & changing for the better.  You are a rose bud blooming.  I'm excited for you.  Yes, there will be pain, but as the Buddhists say:  Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.  You can acknolwdge your pain, but whether or not you suffer is your choice.  This is hard to put into effect, but, it can make you feel better.

Love,
sally

[tayana]

I am encouraged that you feel a re-connection with your brother.  (What I wouldn't give for one of my brothers to validate me........) It feels like one door shutting and a sweet window opening...a little benevolent blessing to help support you in your journey to freedom!  Love it!

Thanks Poppy.  It's nice because he at least listens and I can have a real conversation without being interrogated.  We've even done a few things together.  I've really missed him.  When I was younger he was kind of my protector, so I didn't really get the brunt of my mother's issues until he left home.  I guess maybe that's why I don't remember much of my childhood.

I completely agree w/ your brother & your T.  I think that once you truly and deeply digest this lesson in your head, heart & soul, you will feel so much better, you will feel like a new person and will view life & yourself differently. 

I working on this one.  It is about boundaries.  It's about not letting my mom do things like intrude on something that is my responsibility, like filling my son's prescriptions.  My mother actually asked for his medicine bottle so she could fill it, even though I'm more than capable of taking the medication to the pharmacy myself.

I like that Buddhist philosophy.  Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.  I should internalize that one.  I'm going to try not to agonize over hearing her comments in my head, and when I do hear them, I'm just going to do the opposite.  I won't feel guilty afterwards.

[lighter]

Ummm...... you're right, tay.

I thought your brother asked you to phone your mother in that conversation. 

Going back to peek.... you didn't say that at all.

He supports you not speaking to your mother, right?

[tayana]

He has so far.  He hasn't suggested that I try to talk to her, just to do what I think is right.  Right now I think no contact is good, now I might feel like I can handle talking to her in a few days, but if I don't, I'm not going to worry.

He's told me that I have to concentrate on what's best for me and M, not what she says or thinks.  He's been rather appalled by the way my parents have treated me, both of them, and he doesn't understand their position.  He says he tries to stay out of the middle so he doesn't end up getting used against me, although my mom has tried that.  So he's not taking sides.  He'll listen if I want to talk, although we mostly talk about other stuff, silly stuff sometimes.  We talk about M alot.