Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What to do, what to do?????
Learn:
Hi All-
I don't have much time, but I wanted to say "Thanks" to all of you for your great replies. I have alot of thoughts about what you have said, I just don't have time right now to pen them. I will come back soon to "talk"!
Learning
P.S. Michelle, a quick high-five for you regarding your returned card thread.
Learn:
Hi Michelle,
Thank you for your reply!
--- Quote ---She said the key to my freedom will be when I stop "admitting" the problems that my mom has and start "accepting" them as fact. I am like you in a lot of ways.
--- End quote ---
That statement sort of sums it up, doesn't it? Up until a few years ago, I thought I had accepted my mother for what she is. In my mind I knew she had problems (which I attribute to her own childhood), but I had thought that for the most part she was just ditsy (best word I can think of, don't know if I spelled it correctly). I feel like I need to give an example. Once, she called me and said something along the lines of "Hi. ummm...I just wanted to call and say Hi and well, ummm, the craziest thing has happened. The only thing I smell is bitter almonds" I realize now that she knew I would immediately step up and try to solve her problem for her. I did...searching the internet for an answer...turned out she had a sinus infection. She could have just gone to the doctor, but no...whe brought me into her drama.
Now, I have begun to see, what I believe to be a deeper sort of manipulation and I have even caught her in one lie. I am wondering now if that is a pattern. I mean, for sometime I have wondered about her perception of life events, but I never thought she would outright lie about something to make me feel bad. But if she is an N, I guess it is the same thing. I just don't really know if that is what I am dealing with here.
--- Quote ---My mother has taken every effort I have given her and crapped on it
--- End quote ---
I am so sorry Michelle. I have read through your return card thread. I am sorry your mom has been so hurtful. Sometimes I wonder how I got picked to be born to the people who are my parents. Do you ever think that way? I have expressed that to a few people and they usually respond that it must be because God thought I would be strong enough. I am not so sure about that, but it is the best solace I have when I am feeling really bad about the whole thing. I used to think it was my job to help them, I am now working on throwing that out the window. Nothing helps them.
--- Quote ---That is my mother saying that to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All those bad things that I hear in my head about myself are her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--- End quote ---
Way to go, Michelle! "Don't let them define you", someone once said to me. Find your voice and ignore hers!!! I am working on that too!
Thanks for pointing out my body signals. I have really started to believe in the mind/body/spirit connection. Interestingly enough, my mother is the one who introduced me to that idea. What complex relationships we have with our parents :?. I want to be around for a long time to enjoy my children and their children. My health is very important to me. The other interesting thing is that I can be in some fairly stressful situations (ie. emceeing a charity event, child in hospital) but they still don't affect me as much physically as a visit by my parents. Hmmmm??
Bless you!
Learning
To Portia, Bunny, Seeker & Write--I am on borrowed time right now and I have thoughts about what you said, so I will respond as soon as I can. Take Care!
Michelle:
Hi Screamer -
--- Quote ---When I truly accept the reality of the situation, and stop floundering, I think I will find some level of peace. The closer I get to it the more peaceful I feel.
--- End quote ---
Those are very wise and truthful words. I like how you phrased that....think I will print it out for my fridge. :wink:
Hi Learning -
--- Quote ---Once, she called me and said something along the lines of "Hi. ummm...I just wanted to call and say Hi and well, ummm, the craziest thing has happened. The only thing I smell is bitter almonds" I realize now that she knew I would immediately step up and try to solve her problem for her. I did...searching the internet for an answer...turned out she had a sinus infection. She could have just gone to the doctor, but no...whe brought me into her drama.
--- End quote ---
Oh my gosh. I am sorry but I laughed and laughed and laughed at that story. It is so much like my mother. Here's an example of her "drama"....one day she called me and when I answered the phone she immediately said, "well I have lupus are you happy". I was confused and caught off guard and she said it again. I said "why would I be happy that you have lupus? and how do you know you have lupus" and she said "because my joints ache". :roll: Nuts. Well, it turns out she has mild arthritis. Am I a medical doctor? No. She, like your mother, likes to drag me into her sick little world. Another quick funny story. When I was a senior in high school I couldn't give blood b/c my iron count was a little low. So of course she immediately diagnosed me with "anemia". I didn't have it of course and ever since then when I tell her I'm not feeling well, she says "well you know your anemic". My husband and I actually get hours of laughter out of this story just thinking about it. :lol: I FEEL your pain, literally, learning. :)
I appreciate your encouragement and concern over my returned card thread.
--- Quote ---Sometimes I wonder how I got picked to be born to the people who are my parents. Do you ever think that way? I have expressed that to a few people and they usually respond that it must be because God thought I would be strong enough. I am not so sure about that, but it is the best solace I have when I am feeling really bad about the whole thing. I used to think it was my job to help them, I am now working on throwing that out the window. Nothing helps them.
--- End quote ---
Lots of wisdom there on your part, Learning. Yes, I often wonder "why me" where my family is concerned. I agree about God though. I am certain that he only gives me what I can handle. However, I also feel that some of the things he gives me actually "increases" my capacity to handle things for the future. Kind of hard to understand. I have deep faith though - He is my only consistent source of stability and strength. In a weird way, my religious beliefs have actually been part of what has kept me "chained" to my family. My counselor is a christian counselor and she has shown me the error of my beliefs in those ways. It has been eye-opening.
Good for you especially on working on changing your belief that it is your "job" to help them. your right, nothing helps them. And I need to hear that as much as you need to say it to yourself. Thank you.
I also like your statement "Don't let them define you". That's true and I am just learning about that. Wow. It's a weird and freeing realization!
I encourage you to continue to listen to your body. I think it is always telling us something, we just choose to ignore it a lot of the time. I am really learning to "cue" into my body signals, as you are.
I am happy you are "learning" to take care of yourself. Give yourself a big pat on the back and hug for me! :wink:
Michelle
Learning:
Hi Portia!
Thanks for your post!
--- Quote ---I control when and how I contact my mother. And that's okay. So - take her request and consider it calmly, take your time.
--- End quote ---
Great advice! I have not replied to her yet, because I am still thinking about exactly what I want to do. I have also been trying to get and keep control of contact with both my parents. Mom knows mostly to email me because I don't answer the phone much. Dad keeps trying the phone...ironically :? he called the same day that she emailed and darn it I picked up. (note to self...always plug caller id display back in after using computer 8) ).
Ahhh, Portia, you must be able to read my mind. I would love to find something really manipulative in her email to share with you all. But, alas, not much to speak of...she did italics part of the message and not the other part (I can't make any sense out of that) and she did mention that she was going to a singing Fest this weekend (she sings in a choir). It could be that she just needed to share that info with me...but really, many people might do that.
I think that with everything I have said to her in the last couple of years she tends to walk on eggshells around me. I mean, she knows I will let her know if she is being inappropriate and she hates that. Plus I hold two important trump cards...my daughters. She tries so hard to be appropriate with me so that she can see them. And you know what, that further fuels my anger towards her. I'm not important enough to her, but they are? That only makes sense to me in the context of her using them as narcissistic supply. And then I think, no way, not my kids. They don't deserve to be used that way. I know all to well what it feels like to be objectified most my life.
I guess that answers your question about my kids. Yeah, they would like her to "play" with them, they love attention. But I just don't feel good about what she is really doing and I worry that they can sense that too. I also worry about they way she tries to find things to correct me about in my parenting. If I say "no snacks" because they didn't eat their dinner, she tries to guilt me into changing my mind in front of my daughters. She also sets no boundaries with the kids...and the children react by getting really wild and then me and my husband are tearing our hairs out. :x
Once when we were visiting her and staying at a nearby hotel, she met us for dinner at the hotel restaurant. She had to sit right next to my oldest (who was 3 at the time). I had brought some markers and paper to keep her busy so mom started to work with her. In no time at all, my daughter was laughing loudly and writing on my mother's head with a marker (it was yellow and mom's hair was yellow, but still...). My mom just sat there and let her do it and laughed. I suggested that she tell my daughter to stop it, she refused to. She wants my daughter to like her so much. My daughter sensed the power struggle between mom and me and used it to her advantage. (Absolutely normal on her part since she is 3.) My daughter started to run around the restaurant (she normally listens alot better than that)...now mom jumped in and decided she should take her for a walk (she got her all to herself that way).
I think I will use the old "this isn't a good time for a visit line". And thanks for the support about the conflicting thoughts and everything else. I feel such an inner struggle about all of this...about writing about it, about thinking about it, about the labels, about everything...yet I feel I must press on. Does that make any sense to you? Do you have similar feelings?
By the way, Portia, your name intrigues me. Is it a given name?
Take Care!
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Learning ---But I just don't feel good about what she is really doing and I worry that they can sense that too. I also worry about they way she tries to find things to correct me about in my parenting. If I say "no snacks" because they didn't eat their dinner, she tries to guilt me into changing my mind in front of my daughters. She also sets no boundaries with the kids...and the children react by getting really wild and then me and my husband are tearing our hairs out. :x
--- End quote ---
This sounds like typical permissive grandparent behavior. Pretty common for an N grandparent to undermine the parents' edicts and rules. I think the choices are to set strict limits with grandma, or to just avoid grandma. That is, unless she agrees sincerely to abide by your rules. If she doesn't, she's packed up and sent home instantly. The only thing she will understand is concrete consequences.
--- Quote from: Learning ---Once when we were visiting her and staying at a nearby hotel, she met us for dinner at the hotel restaurant. She had to sit right next to my oldest (who was 3 at the time).
--- End quote ---
I think it's natural that she wants to sit next to her.
--- Quote from: Learning ---I had brought some markers and paper to keep her busy so mom started to work with her. In no time at all, my daughter was laughing loudly and writing on my mother's head with a marker (it was yellow and mom's hair was yellow, but still...). My mom just sat there and let her do it and laughed.
--- End quote ---
I think it's all right when a grandparent or relative is childlike and playful with the kids. I do things with my nieces and nephews that are immature and sometimes subversive. But not to the point where I'm fomenting serious rebellion. I'm still supposed to be a role model.
There is nothing wrong with grandma wanting her grandchild all to herself for a while. But if she's doing it to GET AT YOU then there is something wrong with it.
Bottom line, you are the parent. If you think grandma is inappropriate; or even if you just don't like her, she doesn't get access to the kids. That's how it works. She doesn't have to like it.
bunny
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